Okay society you win- Diary of a fat boy

[Snatiramas]

And so the speeches come thick and fast. Adam's two best friends are up next....
First Josh P


This court is duly convened to decide the fate of Adam Cooklin. Will the defendant please rise.

Adam, that is you – please rise!

I, Joshua Peters bringing the case for the prosecution, hereby charge Adam with the following crimes against society:-

1.   When we first met at the age of 7, you were seen being dragged into school by your parents. On the grounds of being unwilling to attend school – guilty!

2.   When asked by the teacher to prepare a landscape drawing, you proceeded to cover the page in dots, and when questioned you claimed that your drawing was an abstract and were swiftly despatched from the classroom – guilty!

3.   When we were in the school choir we objected to the words of the songs praising the name of Jesus, so we secretly changed it to Avraham and Moshe. On the charge of blasphemy – guilty!

4.   When we went to the Isle of Wight on a school trip, we went into the girls’ rooms and swapped all the luggage around. On the charge of acting like a British Airways luggage handler - guilty!

5.   When engaged in conversation you often resort to the use of the words “cheese” and “yum “. For being inarticulate – guilty!

6.   There may be some redeeming features like helping me to get better at sport, but this often ends up with me on the ground, in a bush or stuffed up a tree. For being far too strong - guilty!

7.   On the recent trip to France you bought a watch for 5 euros and then sold it to another classmate for 6! On the charge of being a potential entrepreneur on the dragons den – guilty!

My lords and ladies, the case for the prosecution now rests.

[Noah then does his case for the defence and then can hand back to Joshua]

[Snatiramas]

And up steps Noah

NOAH’S SPEECH

My lords, ladies, boys and girls, you have heard the case for the prosecution from my learned friend Joshua Peters. 

Before you decide on a verdict, I would like to put to you the case for the Defence of my good friend Adam Cooklin. 

My name is Noah Aziz and I first met Adam at Newberries Primary School when I joined in Year 4. 

Now, whilst my learned friend Joshua Peters is a highly experienced prosecutor, he has cited many examples of Adam’s crimes against society. 

I implore you - do not be swayed by his suave appearance, his wit, his height (look at Joshua cheekily) or his sharp tongue. 

I am not going to answer the charges individually.  I will, however, leave you in no doubt that Adam Cooklin is very funny, kind-hearted, generous and obviously has exceptionally good judgement demonstrated by his great taste in friends.      (Pause)

One of the things that struck me early on about Adam was that he is a bit of a joker.  He is always larking about which usually gets him into quite a bit of trouble.   

He’s also very good at interrupting which drives everybody mad!  And his friends aren’t the only ones to feel this way. Last year, his teacher gave him a prestigious award - for being the pupil most likely to interrupt the class.   

Adam – although we’ll hear from Adam in a moment, Joshua and I are going to make the most of being in the spotlight because its one of the few occasions when you have to keep quiet and can’t interrupt!!

I believe that Adam and I became good friends because we have so much in common: charm, good-looks, a cheeky smile, an eye for the girls, boundless intelligence and ………. last but no least, height!




It is true that Adam is lively and energetic and these are just a few of his positive character traits.  Adam is a fun person to be around and enthusiastic about everything he does – be it rugby, the school play, or even his homework! 

He’s also obsessed with the Playstation, online games and the Wii, but I can match him any day despite the fact that he hates losing!!   

He puts effort into everything.  I know that I can count on Adam to be there for me whenever I need help with my homework – which is quite frequently - or if I want advice about anything.

We’ve had some really good times together over the years – school camp, Legoland in the pouring rain and last summer in Spain – to name but a few. 

We’ve even done a self defence course together – Adam got quite into it and I’d certainly want him on my team if we ever needed to use these skills again. 

We spend a great deal of time together both in school, at Shul and generally hanging out and having fun.  And when we’re not together, we’re usually chatting on MSN – just don’t tell my Mum!!!  (look up and smile!)

So this is my case for the Defence.   My learned colleague Joshua Peters – what do you have to say?

[Joshua says “Whilst I have mentioned a number of stories about Adam … etc ]

Noah concludes;
Of course its up you all of you to decide (extend arm across the room) but both Joshua and I would like to direct you to find the defendant, Adam Cooklin, not guilty of crimes against society, so that he isn’t locked up indefinitely and can enjoy the rest of this evening’s celebrations. 


noah then hands back to Joshua



Whilst I have mentioned a number of stories about Adam, I would also like to say that our history together is littered with occasions where I have stood up for Adam (you may have guessed that this is by using my mouth) because he is a trusted friend and one who looks out for me – a great combination of my mouth and his fists!

Of course it’s for you the jury to decide, but let Noah and I please direct you to find the defendant not guilty so that he can enjoy the rest of his great celebrations. 


The boys.....two half pints and their tall mate

[Snatiramas]

Then Adam responds

My Bar Mitzvah Speech
Rabbi, Booba, Zaida, Grandma and Grandpa. Rachel family and friends and of course Mummy and Daddy. Before I respond to the kind words from Joshua and Noah it falls on me now that I am a man to carry out certain important tasks which are the sole responsibility of a Bar Mitzvah boy.
We are so pleased to have with us tonight family and friends from all over the UK, Spain and, of course, Israel.  Thank you so much for coming and sharing this lovely experience with me and for your generous gifts.       
I wouldn’t have been able to deliver my Maftir and Haftorah and lead  Mussaf yesterday without the help, knowledge and patience of my teacher Joel.  Every week without fail his sense of humour - after all he does support Newcastle United – together with Nehama’s delicious biscuits gave me the will to put the effort in and I must say the experience has been fantastic.   As a mark of my appreciation Joel, please come up and receive this gift.
I am so lucky to have all four of my grandparents here today shlapping nachus with their family and friends around them.  You all give me unconditional love and support and your homes are two of my favourite restaurants.  I have for each of you a memento of my Barmitzvah which I expect to see on display the next time I come to visit.
I am also lucky to have Rachel as a sister.  You spoke beautifully in Shul yesterday and I’d like to thank you so much for your kind words earlier.   I have to say that you look stunning tonight, quite a change from your normal attire of track suit bottoms and a sweatshirt.    It is a special kind of sister who always lets me have the last yogurt, watch what I want to on TV and allows me to use her as a rugby tackle bag even though she doesn’t have a choice.
On our sideboard, there are many awards for various achievements.  Rachel has trophies for Tae Qwondo.  Daddy has trophies for the dark art of poker.  Even I have trophies for rugby and athletics.   But one person is missing from our trophy cabinet.  Mummy, you are the rock on which the rest of us can go out and achieve what we do and I have for you here your very own trophy which I would like to tell you comes from all three of us with a huge thank you.   But I can only give it to you if you stop crying. 
Daddy, I know how hard it was for you to get me to practise for my Bar Mitzvah.  I know it was hard because of the number of times you had to shout at me.   In fact, you shouted at me even more than you do at the rugby.  Thank you and Mummy for all the help, support and guidance you give me, some of which has gone in one ear and out the other.   Thank you also for this fantastic weekend which will stay with me for the rest of my life.
Thank you Noah and Joshua for your kind words.  Your friendship is something that I’m truly grateful for even though you’re both half my size.   We have always had a great deal of fun together from Newberries and now at Yavneh College.  I hope this continues long into the future.
I realise that being Bar Mitzvah is not the end but rather the beginning of both my religious observance and understanding.  Being at Yavneh College gives me the opportunity to pursue my thirst for Jewish knowledge and put it into practise. 
During this weekend, many people have said some really lovely things about me which is quite embarrassing.   I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong impression – nobody is perfect, not even me. 
I have made a few mistakes in my life and one stands out in my memory.  One day shopping with Daddy for some training shoes, I had wandered off looking at the boys trainers.  Some of the shoes I was looking at were really quite cool.   It was a small shop with only one other customer.  Daddy tapped me on the back and I ignored him.   As it turned out this was a big mistake.  I had  got a bit bored looking at the boys trainers and looked around the store.  I could see someone bending down trying on a pair of shoes who I thought was my dad.  I ran without thinking and smacked their bottom hard.  Imagine my surprise when the person turned around and it wasn’t my dad at all.  It was a woman looking at the ladies shoes.  I rushed over to my dad in tears.  He apologised to the lady immediately and we ran out of the shop together.  This taught me a number of things: not to rush in without thinking, that not all practical jokes are funny and that if you get something wrong, it is always wise to say sorry quickly and run.
Another memorable moment came when I was lucky enough to get my very own mobile phone. It had only taken me two years of nagging, begging pleading and the occasional tantrum, all mixed up with a hefty dose of schmoozing but eventually they caved in. I was so excited that on the first night I pressed all the buttons and by mistake somehow managed to leave the phone overnight connected to the internet, or t’internet as my daddy calls it. Gosh that is so annoying because he thinks it is so funny. Anyway to cut a long story short I thought nothing of it until a month later when Mummy came home really upset about something. I could tell she was upset because she didn’t watch Eastenders that night. Anyway Mummy and Daddy had one of those whispered conversations that parents have when they are discussing you and think you can’t hear. It was at this point that I went up to my room got into my pyjamas and went to bed at 7pm. No point in delaying the inevitable. Unfortunately for me they called me back downstairs and sat me down for a  “conversation”. I realised not only was I not going to get out of this one easily, I had better offer to pay the bill.  At this point Mummy pointed out to me that although it was a very generous offer it would take me a long time to pay back the £650 to O2. Luckily for me, Mummy and Daddy decided to go to war with O2. Now I do not know if you have ever seen them in action together but the people at O2 realised quickly that it was probably better for them to not chase the money. It may have been Daddys phone call asking to speak to the chief executive, I think he got palmed off with the sales director or Mummys threat to ask Watchdog to investigate the lifting of internet restrictions on a phone without authoriasation. Either way the bills are back to fifteen pounds a month.
I learnt from this that my parents are an awesome team and a force to be reckoned with and so if you want to keep them happy please make sure that you are up here dancing at every opportunity and make this a real night to remember.

[Snatiramas]

and so we did......but not before Adam played with the band

[Snatiramas]

and so we danced lots and had the time of our lives and all too quickly it was time to wrap up. This honour was left to Anne Marie and this  what she said

This is the saddest task of the evening because it’s my responsibility to say the closing words, not only for tonight’s party, but also for Adam’s amazing Barmitzvah weekend. 
When we first started planning it, I don’t think either Phil or I could have imagined how fantastic this Barmitzvah could be.  And it wouldn’t have been such a special weekend without all of you – your love, your kind words, good wishes and generous gifts.  We are truly blessed to be surrounded by such fantastic friends and family and we want to you know how much we appreciate it.
Its also my responsibility to thank the team without whom tonight would not have happened.  Helen, Marian and the guys at the Majestic for their fantastic food and facilities, our toastmaster Steven Warwick who has guided us through the evening so professionally, Ilan for leading the dancing – how much energy does that guy have??!! – Caroline our photographer and Jag our video man, and, of course, Pure Orange and their amazing music.   Also, a special thank you to one of my oldest friends, Lynne, who made our beautiful table centres and has given us so much help and advice in the run up to tonight’s party. 
Now there’s one person without whom this weekend couldn’t have been possible and that’s my darling husband Phil.   Adam talked earlier about the two of us being a force to be reckoned with and there’s no doubt in my mind that Phil certainly is that.   His focus, strength and determination in everything he does is legendary.  Whether its learning to play poker, encouraging Adam or Rachel to achieve something or repairing our PC when it crashes, he won’t stop until he’s satisfied that the task is complete.   Its that determination which has enabled him to lose an incredible amount of weight in record time – doesn’t he look great??    His logical and balanced approach to life together with his good nature and sense of humour are just some of the reasons why I love him so much.
We have had such a superb weekend and we wish it could just go on and on. Please drive home carefully and thank you so much from Phil, Adam, Rachel and me for making it such a special time for us. Thank you and goodnight

[Snatiramas]

Ladies and gentlemen I give you the final instalment of the Bar Mitzvah. It has been a few weeks now ands things have settled back to normal. It is funny hw quickly the mind forgets the oh so special emotions of the weekend. I look at the photos though and just start smiling. It was just so much fun..... the best

Ladies and gentlemen

The Cooklins

[Chompy]

Cracking stuff and a great read Snatty. That black and white photo is quality, a definite keeper.
It's the way it has to be with these things I guess, the euphoria followed by a quick return to normality.
Imagine 365 Christmas Days every year?! Even those that proclaim to enjoy the whole 25 December experience (you like it, really?), which would rule out the likes of myself, Tikay and many others I'm sure, wouldn't want that.
Stand-out days are just that, one-off to get pumped up for and enjoyed.

[tikay]

On our sideboard, there are many awards for various achievements.  Rachel has trophies for Tae Qwondo.  Daddy has trophies for the dark art of poker.  Even I have trophies for rugby and athletics.   But one person is missing from our trophy cabinet.  Mummy, you are the rock on which the rest of us can go out and achieve what we do and I have for you here your very own trophy which I would like to tell you comes from all three of us with a huge thank you.   But I can only give it to you if you stop crying. 

She was not the only one crying at that most wonderful choice of words by Adam. The Cooklin ability to use the right words, at the right time, will continue for at least another generation.

You must be incredibly proud. You are incredibly lucky, & you know it. That's the neat bit.

Thank you for a wonderful tale Phil. Have enjoyed every single Post of this "Barmitzvah" story.

[tikay]

A Best of blonde shoe-in.

[Karabiner]

Fantastic Phil, just fantastic.

It must have been one of the best bar-mitzvas ever, and how clever it was of you to start this diary.

[amcgrath1uk]

A Best of blonde shoe-in.

+1

you must be SO SO proud of your family

[Snatiramas]

Fantastic Phil, just fantastic.

It must have been one of the best bar-mitzvas ever, and how clever it was of you to start this diary.

I would of course have to point out that the diary was of course Dewi's idea

[Laxie]

Fantastic Phil, just fantastic.

It must have been one of the best bar-mitzvas ever, and how clever it was of you to start this diary.

I would of course have to point out that the diary was of course Dewi's idea

 

What a lovely family!  And those speeches?!  I don't even know what to say now because it would pale in comparison.  A proud week-end on many levels for each of you.  Well done.

[cia260895]

Fantastic Phil, just fantastic.

It must have been one of the best bar-mitzvas ever, and how clever it was of you to start this diary.

I would of course have to point out that the diary was of course Dewi's idea

 

What a lovely family!  And those speeches?!  I don't even know what to say now because it would pale in comparison.  A proud week-end on many levels for each of you.  Well done.

+1 after all this time you still deliver ...

[Snatiramas]

So here we are back in Germany finalising budgets for next year. A particularly fraught time all round not totally helped by leaving the house at 4.50am. What is worse somebody just asked me to rate the song in my head and the theme tune from Quincey ME came up.......needless to say I will not even rate it.

Well my weight has remained fairly stable which considering the amount of substance abuse over the last few weeks is nigh on a miracle. Anyway I have been very good this morning and we will take it one hour at a time just like at the very start.

I had a week of doing things I promised myself I would never do last week. The rebellious gene was in full flow. So I played something that vaguely looked like poker on Wednesday even though I had promised not to play until I finished the diet.

I also went and had a colonic......now the worst film of all time was based around Kellogg's use of colonics. It was called the Road to Wellville. I actually wanted to poke my own eyes out whilst watching this film and I couldn't just stand up and walk out even though that is what I wanted to do as we had been invited there by some very good friends.

More to follow......going in to get my arsed kicked by the senior managers