I was busy in the suite, vacuum cleaning the curtains with my travel vac when a text arrived from downstairs
Master had decided to perambulate the tournament floor with his camera, to take some more world class photographs
"Jeev. Buy salm shts. All cool kids hav em. Laterz dude"
I was half way through a reply that suggested that perhaps a man of 75 should not be trying to emulate the cool kids and that he didn't like alcohol anyway so what on earth was he thinking and didn't he know he would regret it when i thought better of it and simply replied
"Yes sir. I mean yes dude."
This transformation of master's life into text speak did not come naturally to me, i must say but i took to google straight away to look up "salm shts" with an eye to purchasing them for master's return
quite why my master now had a hankering for canapes i wasn't sure, let alone why all the cool kids had them, but i made a call to room service nonetheless and ordered them for that evening
another text arrived
"come down Jeev. want u to meet friendz"
Always cognisant that such networking opportunities might afford me future employment i put on my smartest uniform, rose to my full height and made my way down to the Amazon room, being careful as always not to puchase a $5,000 All american dave meal plan for the next 12 hours sustenance
i arrived in a busy room, and spotted master holding court in the distance. i walked close to them, waited for a break in the conversation and cleared my throat subtly.
Master turned
"Jeeves!" he cried effusively "come here. I want you to meet Stuart, Matt, Neil and Cos"
I looked at the rag tag bunch and the first of their number held his hand out to me
"Bopkin Hopkin. If you ever need any garden furniture custom built, Jeeves, I am your man" In his other hand he appeared to be holding a very full bag from an off-licence. He looked at me looking at the bag
"tonight's supplies Jeeves. 2 x curacao 2 x creme de menthe 6 x kopparberg and 4 x vodka. and thats just for before we go out!"
I was careful not to raise an eyebrow but inwardly was grateful for small mercies that my employer was a slightly eccentric teetotaler rather than the gentleman before me
I looked at the next man. He stuck a hand out
"Neil. Neil Giblin Jeeves, please to meet you. Jakally. Come from Belper Jeeves."
This appeared to be the most interesting thing about the man, and i moved swiftly on
"sniff sniff sniff"
the sight before me was not that becoming
An unshaven man who was not looking at all well
"Chelsea Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, chelsea, chellllllllllll" he held the first syllable of the last word
"sea sir?" i finished his chant for him
"how did you know Jeeves?! I'm Cos. Got the flu Jeeves. No one washes their hands jeeves and i touched some chips Jeeves and now i have the novovirus Jeeves and its keeping me out of a really good open faced chinese game Jeeves and.."
I held my hand up to stop him. Already it seemed that this gentleman was rather too high maintenance for my liking and i moved on once more, wondering all the while about my master's taste in friends
The final man appeared to be Richard Fairbrass from Right said fred. In his right arm he held a dumb-bell, which he switched to his left to shake my hand
"and this Jeeves" master seemed proud "is matt"
"Hello pleased to meet you" i told him
"Strippers" he replied
"i beg your pardon?" i was taken aback
"Strip-pers" he repeated slowly, nodding slowly almost catatonically from the first syllable to the second
"well yes sir" i blustered "all in good time"
"bloody hell" said bopkin to neil "he's forgotten to take his pills again. we have to go" and with that, leading their friend gently as he muttered the one word that seemed to be in his vocabulary to every passing table
It was all deeply dippy.
"Lovely aren't they?" Master interrupted me following the progress of the four out of the room "known them for years. Gala nottingham Jeeves. the good old days"
"I have ordered the salmon for later sir"
"Coolio" responded my master
this time my eyebrow did rise a fraction, and i moved swiftly on
"see you later sir"
Back in the suite room service soon brought the salmon shots and i laid a place at the round table, alongside a slice of pineapple, two beetroots and half a tin of tomatoes.
A meal fit for a master, i thought to myself
Half an hour later the door opened and in strode my master
"Jeeves, upload this photos later and put them on my blog please. must be done before we go to mount charleston"
As i wondered who Charleston was, and did he know we were coming i heard a muffled sound from the direction of the table
"foshvbnfjhjkfwfknwklnqllkk" is an approximation
"Jeeves...." his voice trailled off as he looked at the spread before him
I decided to help
"Pineapple sir. your favourite"
he nodded
"Beetroot sir. nearly your favourite and a lovely colour, texture and taste contrast to the sweet pineapple"
he nodded more vigorously
"tinned tomaotes sir. Waitrose own brand sir. only the best for the aspiring middle class sir. red sir. thats red, yellow and purple on the same plate sir"
he nodded, the pointed at the salmon shots. his mouth opened but nothing came out
"salmon shots sir, just as you asked for in your text message"
"but..."
i remained silent waiting for the rest of the sentence
"but"
it seemed it was difficult to find the right form of words
"but"
i decided to help him out
"it was no trouble sir, happy to help. no need to thank me"
finally my master closed his mouth and sat at the table. i returned to other duties
As i did so i could not help but notice master taking several mid meal trips to the bathroom, moving sideways with his back to me on each trip. He appeared to have a salmon shot immediately on his return to the table each time, as one more was empty each time i turned to nod at master
He nodded back, a little to quickly and somewhat nervously, but all seemed to be going well
As i uploaded the photographs, one photograph struck me, but i did not know why
"Put that one up first, Jeeves"
Master had by now finished his meal and was at my shoulder
"Padpick Jeeves. Salmon Jeeves. All the cool kids have them"
and looked at me sternly
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