"You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go"The dulcet tones of my Eminem ringtone interrupted my afternoon slumbers.
"Jeeves Jeeves Jeeves Jeeves JEEVES"
There was no mistaking that this was clearly an emergency.
"Jeeves"
I had got the message by now tikay required my attention
"I am doing the Sky Poker, autocue reading for non autocue readers, TV show tonight at 7pm"
"Yes sir, good luck sir. I shall tune in"
"No Jeeves, I am doing the show tonight and I have LEFT MY
VELVET BLAZER AT HOME"
The breathlessness in my master's voice betrayed a panic, and a real sense of loss
"Sorry to hear that sir, do you not have your polyester-cotton mix lightweight jacket in wardrobe?"
"Yes Jeeves but I need the
Purple velvet. I am wearing matching boxers"
Just momentarily, the image that came into my head left me quite flummoxed. I needed to recover my sang froid and quickly
"Oh sir, I quite understand" I lied convincingly
"Jeeves I need someone to go to Hampton, go into my closet and bring the jacket to Osterley by 6.45pm at the latest. Would you mind?"
I paused. I was, after all, looking forward to the Antiques Road Trip, Pointless, Eggheads and The Chef's Protege that made late afternoon BBC2 watching such a joy.
"No sir" the words came out involuntarily, a reflex of 35 years in service that I demurred whenever a man of breeding or deportment, or tikay, asked.
"Key is under the stone figure of Clare Balding, fourth slab away from the front door Jeeves. Let yourself in. Oh and Jeeves please can you do some tidying up? The cleaner is due on Friday."
"You want me to tidy up before the cleaner comes?" I enquired forlornly
"Yes if you tidy today and I tidy tomorrow it will be spotless for when she comes"
My mouth formed to produce words but I merely looked like a startled goldfish in a tank as the mouth opened, but no noise came out
The pause lasted an uncomfortable while but soon we said out goodbyes and I made my way over to Hampton and collected the Purple velvet C and A jacket.
I then made my way to the Sky, still employing Paul Merson and Phil Thompson as pundits, Studios
I went into the gatehouse and gave my name, In the corner, a man with a pencil thin moustache was regaling a security guard with tales of his television life
"So I then had to pretend to have a shower while the nutter shouts "Oi Kammy, no". I was very professional and did it in one take but they knew that when they hired me for the gig Steve, all that Soccer Saturday from the touchline at Fratton Park had shown them that I was cut out for better things Steve, and now I have a screen test for the presenters job on BT Vision Steve"
Frankly, Steve looked a bit bored with Kammy and I moved towards the Sky Poker, five hour TV shows for insomniacs, studios.
Through reception and wardrobe, past the green room and the gallery and to a door with a star on it. On the star, a simple message
"Talent. Please knock gently, may be sleeping"
I knocked gently. Inside there was the sound of hurried scrambled activity.
The door opened. There, in nothing but a silk kimono, plastered in foundation, silver foil in his hair and a frankly bewidering sight, stood my master.
"Jeeves, dah-ling"
I stepped back
"No Jeeves, its me tikay. Everyone speaks like that here, I have to."
"Your jacket sir"
tikay's face lit up and he immediately calmed down
At that moment a man came down the corridor. Tall, thin, a man I recognised as Richard Bacon from the Big Breakfast in 1987. Only it wasn't, it was the man from the Green Flag adverts.
He had a weary look, and our eyes met.
tikay made the introductions
"Jeeves, this is Richard Orford my presenter. Richard, this is Jeeves my man"
Orford held my grip for just a shade too long as we shook hands. I sensed that all was not well
"tikay I will see you in 20 minutes in studio, I'll show Jeeves out" Orford said and grabbed me by the arm, pulling me down the corridor
As we rounded the corridor and tikay's dressing room shut he grabbed me by both lapels
"JEEVES YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. THEY KEEP PUTTING ME WITH HIM ON SHOWS"
He was breathing heavily, and very agitated
"ON SCREEN CHEMISTRY JEEVES. ON SCREEN CHEMISTRY THEY SAY. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY LONGER JEEVES. IF I HEAR ONE MORE STORY ABOUT BRIDGES OR CONCRETE OR DUCKS I'LL..."
His voice tailed off, and he began sobbing uncontrollably on my shoulder
"JEEVES MAKE IT STOP"
"Sir, I, er, I am not sure how I can do that sir" I muttered
A wistful Orford began to reminisce
"I was on Channel four at the age of 21 Jeeves. Glittering future ahead. I had visions of This Morning with Anne Diamond. The National Lottery show. Perhaps Supermarket Sweep. BUT IT ALL WENT WRONG JEEVES. I ended up being the voice of Discovery Quest and presenting game shows on Challenge Jeeves and I had to take the Sky Poker job Jeeves and NOW EVERY SHOW THEY PUT ME WITH HIM"
and with that his vice like grip was released and he went off down the corridor, shaking his head, a gentle sobbing an ever quieter reminder that behind the public persona, real problems lay.
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