Joke!!

[boldie]

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wannabe chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

[RED-DOG]

Why does everyone swear so much?

I was sitting at a poker table last night, a young girl was dealing. Every sentence from the players was punctuated by swear words.

Fucking this, bastard that. *****, wanker etc.

It's not like there was an argument or something, it was just normal conversation. I found it very embarrassing.

I feel the same when I think about people's wives, mothers, girlfriends and daughters browsing blonde, but I accept that my view on this is probably old fashioned and out of step.

[Karabiner]

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wannabe chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

I think that I have been thoroughly whooooshed here

[The Camel]

guy is walking down the street with a crocodile, police man stops him and says 'wtf are you doing' you should take that croc to a zoo, the guy agrees that its a good idea as he should be walking around the street with a dangerous toothy croc.

next day the same guy is walking down the street with the crocodile, the police man spots him and says 'i thought I told you to take him to the zoo' guy says 'i did, today we are going to the cinema'

Sovietsong
Leeds!!!

This is the funniest joke I have heard for years, thanks for posting it.

[The Camel]

A man is in trouble with his wife. He keeps getting drunk and coming home hours late from work.

When it happened for the fourth time in a week, his mrs said that's enough.

"If you come home drunk again, I'm packing my bags and leaving you".

Two later the man was in the boozer with his mate, totally paralytic, when he puked up all over his jacket.

"oh no, now she'll leave me for sure, she'll know I've been drinking and been sick all over my coat"

His mate had an idea..

"Act cool, and when she asks you about the jacket, say that a man was sick all over you and pull out a twenty pound note that he gave you to do the dry cleaning"

So, he goes home and sure enough the missus is furious and gets up to leave..

"no, no, no, it isn't what it seems, a man was sick all over me and gave me this twenty pound note to cover the dry cleaning bill"

"And what is the other twenty pound note for?"

"Oh, that was given to me by the man who shit in my pants"

(Stolen from the late, great Sir Clement)

[Colchester Kev]

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".




I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".



If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

[matt674]

I know i've told it before but it was a while back and its the only funny joke i know!!

One night there was a panda who was feeling rather amorous and as there was a shortage of female pandas he decided to head down to the local red light district. He approached a few of the "locals" without much joy but eventually he persuaded one of the prostitutes to take him back to her flat. Eventually they arrive at the flat but before they begin the Panda asks for a favour.

"I'm really, really hungry - all this walking has taken it out of me, would it be possible to get something to eat first to build my stamina back up". The prostitute cant believe the cheek but eventually agrees and rustles up a plate of egg and chips. The panda wolfes the lot down, hardly pausing to chew on it.

After finishing the food they make their way to the bedroom and the panda proceeds to give the prostitute the best time of her life, she has orgasm after orgasm in a marathon session - eventually after about 5 hours the panda lets out a moan as he finishes the job. He instantly gets up, puts on his panda clothes and makes his way towards the door.

"Whoooaaaaa" the prostitute pants, still recovering. "where do you think your going, what about my money?".

"What money?" says the panda "i've finished now i'm off home". The prositiute summons up the last of her energy and walks (somewhat bow-legged) over to the bookcase where she pulls out a dictionary and flicks it open at the letter P.

"Prostitute" she starts "one who offers sexual intercourse in return for payment". The panda takes the dictionary off her, turns back a couple of pages and replies.

"Panda - Eats shoots and leaves".......

[henrik777]

Jock takes his wife to casualty.Shes got no teeth,a broken nose and two black eyes.Dr says whats happened? Jock says"she was going through the change." Dr says "That doesnt happen when they go through the change." Jock replies "It does when its in my bloody pocket."

Sandy

[bolt pp]

Why does everyone swear so much?

I was sitting at a poker table last night, a young girl was dealing. Every sentence from the players was punctuated by swear words.

Fucking this, bastard that. *****, wanker etc.

It's not like there was an argument or something, it was just normal conversation. I found it very embarrassing.

I feel the same when I think about people's wives, mothers, girlfriends and daughters browsing blonde, but I accept that my view on this is probably old fashioned and out of step.

I got to the second last line before i realised there wasnt going to be a punchline

[henrik777]

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on a per kilo price with the farmer and then begins to select a pig. "How about that one?"

"OK," replies the farmer. The farmer then picks up the pig, puts it`s tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth and then declares, "This one weighs 38 kilos."

"That`s amazing," the man says, "Are you sure you can tell a pigs` weight by using that method?"

"Yep, says the farmer, we`ve used this method in our family for generations." To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale and it weighs exactly 38 kilos.

"My son can do it, too," boasts the farmer. Sure enough, the farmer's son comes over, puts another pigs` tail in his mouth, lets it hang and then says, "This one weighs 38 kilos." The farmer then confirms his sons` accuracy with the scale.

"My wife can do it, too," says the farmer. "Son, go get your mother."

The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later. "Mum can`t come out right now," says the son. "She`s busy weighing the postie."

Sandy

[MANTIS01]

Why does everyone swear so much?

I was sitting at a poker table last night, a young girl was dealing. Every sentence from the players was punctuated by swear words.

Fucking this, bastard that. *****, wanker etc.

It's not like there was an argument or something, it was just normal conversation. I found it very embarrassing.

I feel the same when I think about people's wives, mothers, girlfriends and daughters browsing blonde, but I accept that my view on this is probably old fashioned and out of step.

Swearing when socialising isn't classy. I think most people would still agree about that. But there are certain bastions of life where swearing is acceptable. Joke telling is one of those imo. Waking up late for work, hitting your thumb with a hammer, and missing the ball on the 1st tee are others I can think of. Swearing in moderation and in the right situation can be very funny imo. It's the over use of swearing in the wrong situation that's embarrassing. The culmination of everyone's individual jokes with the odd swear word isn't the same as that mouthy bird. So tell us a joke pls Red.

[RED-DOG]

Why does everyone swear so much?

I was sitting at a poker table last night, a young girl was dealing. Every sentence from the players was punctuated by swear words.

Fucking this, bastard that. *****, wanker etc.

It's not like there was an argument or something, it was just normal conversation. I found it very embarrassing.

I feel the same when I think about people's wives, mothers, girlfriends and daughters browsing blonde, but I accept that my view on this is probably old fashioned and out of step.

Swearing when socialising isn't classy. I think most people would still agree about that. But there are certain bastions of life where swearing is acceptable. Joke telling is one of those imo. Waking up late for work, hitting your thumb with a hammer, and missing the ball on the 1st tee are others I can think of. Swearing in moderation and in the right situation can be very funny imo. It's the over use of swearing in the wrong situation that's embarrassing. The culmination of everyone's individual jokes with the odd swear word isn't the same as that mouthy bird. So tell us a joke pls Red.

I wasn't particularly refering to the joke thread.

Try doing a search for a swear word and see how many there are, and remember, that doesn't include the 90% or so that are in the "deleted posts" section.

OK, a joke.

Tourist: can you tell me the quickest way to Cork please?

Local: Now den, do you mean by car, or on foot sorr?

Tourist: By car.

Local: Yes, dat's the quickest way.





(You didn't say it had to be a good joke)

[pokerfan]

Paddy and Murphy are walking around looking for work when Paddy sees a sign, "Tree fellers wanted". Paddy says to Murphy, its a pitty theres only two of us.



Paddy walks into the site office carrying a flask.

Murphy: " What you got there then?"

Paddy: "Tis a new flask"

Murphy: "What's it do then?"

Paddy: "It keeps hot tings hot and cold tings cold"

Murphy: "Sowhat you got in it then?"

Paddy: "Two cups of coffee and an ice cream"

[sovietsong]

A guy comes home from work, his wife is waiting with his tea on the table, she says;

'would you mind looking at the cabinate door, it seems loose'

'what do i look like a fucking joiner?'

next day he comes home to a lovely clean house again his tea is on the table, wife says;

'after your tea would you mind having a look at the tap, its leaking?'

'what do i look like a fucking plumber?'

next day he comes home, all the washing and ironing done and she asks;

'would you mind looking at the socket, it is haning off the wall!?'

'what do I look like a fucking electrician?'

well the next day the hardworking gentleman returns home after some hard graft and all the jobs his loving wife asked him to do where sorted, he asked;

'what happened?'

'well the new neighbour came round and said he would do the work if I baked him a cake or gave him a blowjob'

'which did you do?'

'do i look like a fucking baker?'

[ACE2M]

Paddy and Murphy are walking around looking for work when Paddy sees a sign, "Tree fellers wanted". Paddy says to Murphy, its a pitty theres only two of us.

made me chortle