My daughter Sadie

[lucky_scrote]

Granddaughter Alisha. "I bet I'm the most least competitive person in the world"

"I bet you're not"

Every time I open this thread it's a reminder that I did not invent "not the sharpest bulb in the box". I say it all the time, ugh, thanks Sadie

[Omm]

Read a poker article today and the guy said "So everything I say below should be taken with a grain of salt"

Made me lol out loud, had to tell someone, thought here was as good as any.

[RED-DOG]

Me- what does a dyslexic Yorkshire man wear on his head?

Daughter Zelly- A cat flap.

Granddaughter Leonie -  I don't get it. Understand it for me Mam.

[RED-DOG]

I walk into the bedroom and find Mrs red with her trousers around her ankles.

What are you doing?

I'm trying something on.

What, with me?

No, I mean need to take it in.

I say nothing, but raise a hopeful eyebrow...

Oh just get out you idiot.

[RED-DOG]

Me watching the dogs hunt with their noses to the ground.

"I wish I could smell like a dog, just for one day"

Mrs Red, "I've got news for you..."

[celtic]

Me watching the dogs hunt with their noses to the ground.

"I wish I could smell like a dog, just for one day"

Mrs Red, "I've got news for you..."

[booder]

 

[RED-DOG]

I have a friend who happens to be illiterate. (Actually I have a lot of friends who happen to be illiterate but that's another story)

What literate people don't realise is that illiterate people have to rely entirely on their ears for their language skills.



Me: Are you ready?

Him: I'm as ready as a leather bee.

[RED-DOG]

Mrs Red "I hate it when I accidentally bite the sweet I was sucking"

Me "I know, its a bitter-sweet feeling"   

[bobAlike]

Text conversation after putting my sons, who’s at uni, allowance in his bank account

Son: thanks for the money papa
Me: you’re welcome, drink it wisely
Son: just spilt my pint reading your text
Me: doh

[RED-DOG]

Text conversation after putting my sons, who’s at uni, allowance in his bank account

Son: thanks for the money papa
Me: you’re welcome, drink it wisely
Son: just spilt my pint reading your text
Me: doh

 

[bobAlike]

Whilst driving at a spritely speed on an almost empty motorway

Wife: you shouldn't be going this fast
Me: Why not?
Wife: You're in the slow lane

She has only been driving for 34 years.

[RED-DOG]

Whilst driving at a spritely speed on an almost empty motorway

Wife: you shouldn't be going this fast
Me: Why not?
Wife: You're in the slow lane

She has only been driving for 34 years.

Haha

[RED-DOG]

I was on the M1 the other day and I was towing so only doing ~ 60mph when I saw several cars get flashed when passing under a camera gantry even though there was no visible restriction in operation. I can only conclude they were done for exceeding the 70 limit.

[bobAlike]

I was on the M1 the other day and I was towing so only doing ~ 60mph when I saw several cars get flashed when passing under a camera gantry even though there was no visible restriction in operation. I can only conclude they were done for exceeding the 70 limit.

It's a sorry age we live in Was this at night? and were the cars that got flashed on the other side of the carriageway?

I was driving on the M6 a few weeks ago between junctions 4 and 5. Not stating how fast I was going but it may have been over 70. Anyway as I passed under a gantry I noticed, in my door mirror, that 3 lights came on but the weird thing was that they didnt flash and seemed to gradually turn off. I went through the next gantry at a slower speed and I'll be buggered the same thing happened. So now as I approached the next gantry I made sure I was travelling well below the speed limit. Guess what? it happened again. I spent the rest of my journey determined to figure it out.... I was not being flashed at all. It was simply the configuration of the gantry and the positioning of the lights lighting up the signs on the gantry. As I went through them I could just about see the lights through a gap before being obscured again. Lesson learnt, dont speed