blonde poker forum

(famous for being unintentionally funny) was slagging off some TV bimbo.

"Well, she's not the sharpest bulb in the box....."

lmao

LMAO

One of the girl's in work is so thick, her head must actually hurt.

We were following one of those walkers crisps white vans with the potatos painted on the back and she asked

"are those doors made of glass coz i can see the potatoes inside"

(also disregarding the fact that the potatoes were about 4ft tall!)

I have a friend that is the same, he once asked me what the time was and when i said it was ten to 6 he said'really, it was half 4 earlier'

Lol, who was the TV bimbo, and why do you keep sharp bulbs in a box?

Is she Welsh?  ;marks;

no she's english ;)

standardments

Was she in Wales at the time?

advice on the english language - dont mix your metaphors, and avoid similes like the plague...

We had this pub quiz and my daughter Marie was not really contributing, however in the music round she excelled and we got into a tie break situation. You had to shout out the band name when a pieces of music was played. Well a nano second into the song Marie jumps up.

"yes" said the quizmaster "who is that band"

Marie in an instant "Annie Lennox and the Arithmetics"

Bless

my little 5 year old nephew has an excuse because he is 5..!!  He was given a watch yesterday for Xmas, he loved it was wearing it and showing it to everyone..    I set the time on it for him because it was wrong...

Half an hour later, he did not know how to tell the time yet but he did say...  "This is good, Uncle Carl made it the right time, but every time I look at it, it has changed..!!"

We were doing a quiz game at home and it came to my sister's turn, she got a question, "What is the name of the ship in the movie "Mutiny On The Bounty.??"...  She was thinking and thinking maybe a few mins... "Ohhh, I know it..." she says...  Everyone was giggling, and she realised it must have been a stupid one..!!  The she reralised...  "It is Mutiny" she answered laughing...  LOL...

She was also doing a crossword and the clue was a 4 letter word...  "Egg on"...  She could not figure it out, and she eventually asked my dad because the word toast was 5 letters and did not fit..!!!

A member of blonde, who has an A Level in Maths, was trying to work out a sum of money for poker. Inexplicably, they turned to me and said...

"What's 5% of £100?"

I rest my case...

Quizmaster: Which band had Noddy Holder as the lead singer

Sadie: Sledged.

maybe.... ;)

did she have any welsh in her? ;)

We were watching a BBC Four documentary about 60s pop music last night, the show included several interviews with Pete Townshend of "The Who"

For reasons best known to himself, Pete's language was explicit and unnecessarily vulgar, prompting a disgusted Mrs Red to comment.

"Why don't you stop swearing? Mr dirty bastard"

obviously they are kept in the box to stop bimbos from cutting themselves as they hand them to the superior race to replace them!! well you wouldnt keep blunt 1's would ya???

Adam...snat jr. aged 12 playing rugby yesterday...........

crashes over the try line with a mass of bodies from the opposition all around him........opposition bodies all shouting out "HELD UP! HELD UP!" intimating that they had stopped him from scoring...........

12 year old voice from bottom of the pile "HELD UP MY ARSE!!!!" Try awarded for superlative humour

I blame the schools

lmao

 rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

dont know if i ever told you about lewy the legend MY MATE,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hes thick as chit and silly,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
we were in the showers once after rugby and it was so steamy in there you couldnt see your hand infront of you,,,,,,,,,,,,,

he said fook me its steamy in here,,,,go down there and see if you can see yourself up here,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

thats lewy all over 20 stone gental giant who got a business turnover of 20 million but hes thick as hell....................
his missus bought him shoes to take to south africa for the rugby i said hey lewy them shoes are a bit big arnet they????
i said what size feet are you he said 12 i said what size are they he answered 13.5 i said there too big yaaaaa donut,,,,,,,,,HIS ANSWER,,,,,,,,,,,I WILL GROW INTO THEM,,,,,,,,,,,HE WAS 36 AT THE TIME .....................

lol

Sitting at the final table at Luton a few weeks back, one of the 500 chips snapped in half, for the second time, a well known blonde said something like, give them 125 chips each and they'll be ok rotflmfao. The dealer said to the blondeite, are you an accountant by any chance? To which he replied err yes!! ;hattip;

My 21 y.o. daughter (just set up home) phoned to ask if you mash potatoes BEFORE or AFTER boiling them

And?

Whats the answer?

dunno, waiting for GF to get home from work

marks and spencers microwaveable mash already done

just get your 13YO daughter to do it..only costs you 100£ a week ;)

(step daughter) if she was mine id have more say!! she would only say no anyway

Ahh now here's another point CIA, dont u have the same authority over her as ur missus does?

My girlfriend is far stricter than i am and it is her 'step-daughter' if you like.

no m8 i have absolutely no say anymore if  i tell her something she jusr back chats me and ignores me

Hmmm sounds familiar!!

Bridie, on phone to sister "I can't hear you, my dad's doing the twist"

Mrs Red, "I bet thats a sentence you never thought you would say"

Damn it....why did the lord give me such a good imagination

rotflmfao ;karabiner; ;tightend;

Sadie's latest,

"I hate those flat shoes, it's like walking on your feet"

Whilst in Sydney,I t ook my Lucy and a friend from up north,she'd paled up with.,to Botany bay national park.
The place is a bit remote and about 10 miles south of Sydney.
When we were reading whare Captain cook landed, and whare he came ashore to build the first camp.
After we'd finished,and said goodbye to the park,Lucy's friend commented,
"Why did he come ashore in such an empty place.........you'd have thought he'd go to Sydney."!!!!

 rotflmfao

lmao

Watching big brother with my mum a few years back, spencer and some other guy i forget the name of were talking about what would be shown on the first 'episode'.  My mum said to me 'not this, its boring'

My daughter: (Muzelley) "Dad, why are you wearing that hat?"

Me: (With appropriate hand gestures) "Cos it makes me look phat"

Mrs Red: "He doesn't mean fat, he means...."

My daughter: "STOP!" "Don't explain phat to me or I'll kill myself"

Mrs Red: "Phat means groovy and trendy"

My daughter: "Sigh!" "You just had to do it didn't you?"

I must be getting old (not quite as old as TJ) but what is "phat" ?

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=phat





Red-Dog - always with his finger on the pulse of youth. :)

lmao

Stop dissing me!

Just finished clearing the coffee off my monitor...cheers!   rotflmfao

There was a guest on Sky Poker last night, a cool dude - Dancer by trade - who had a cool hat on, & I described it, on air, as a phat hat.

The Producer nearly went loopy - "you can't say "fat". But I explained, I am speaking the street-lingo, & he relaxed. I did admit I'd nicked it from da bruv Dog, who's the schmizz.

lol..how to make "cool" uncool within 10 seconds. I think we should let TJ talk about any new trend that annoys us and talk it up on Sky..that will stop all things in their tracks, surely?

Just back from the local pub with my Dad - where the discussion meandered its way to aftershave. My Dad announced he wasn't too impressed with the new aftershave my Mum had bought him - Bay Rum. Cue me and his mate Wullie informing him that Bay Rum is a hair tonic - used by spivs in bygone days, as Faither has only thin white hair it'd be kinda wasted.

We get home & Mum is taken to task for this & she admits - through fits of giggles, outright laughter and a hurried trip to the toilet, that she only read the bottle at home and thought my dad wouldn't notice.

Playing on Poker Stars just now.

Roxanne is watching over my shoulder, then pipes up

"they are on your table every time  you play" who is ? I ask

Post SB and Post BB comes the reply.

Bless  rotflmfao

Me: Why are you washing the dog in your mother's L'Oreal shampoo?

Bridie: Because she's wuff it.

Granddaughter Loni (3yrs): Granadad.....

Me: What? 

You know my dad?

Yes..

Makes disgusted face: He likes kaki beer!

my mate wrote " also available in white" on a blue van...and meant it...

 rotflmfao

ME: Remember so and so who died suddenly last year? I can't remember what happened to him.

Mrs Red: They buried him.

lol

Mrs Red is watching Thunderbirds.

In this particular scene, the crew of Thunderbird 3 are lowering a rescue line to Parker, who is standing on top of a runaway cable car. Inside are Lady Penelope and Tintin, they are hurtling toward certain death.

The rescue line is waving about in the wind, and Parker is having trouble getting hold of it, time is running out.

Disaster looms ever closer. Finally, Mrs Red can stand the tension no longer. Almost beside herself, she screams at the TV, "Come on Parker, you little plastic divvy!"

 

Lol I'm with Mrs.Red on this one. Parker is a dopey sod.  ;D

You're ostracising youself with that comment from half of the blonde community that may or may not engage in: "relations" with plastic people, some have paid good Money too, should be more conscientious about what you post as a mod, you never know who you might offend!!

Thought you were gone to bed 

I swear i was about to then i clicked refresh just before i was about to go, i'd drunk some water and taken some paracetamol and evertything, then you post this and i'm wide awake again!!!!

I'll be up for another 1/2 hour now ::)

Are you sure that was Paracetamol you took ?...I don't think it comes in little blue pills.

Last week my father and I were sitting in his caravan, watching some birds through the window.

Me: What's that bird?
Dad: A dunnock hen.
Me: So you don't know, no need to get all scottish about it.

oh boy.

tom fairplay you got some classics but i think my missus takes some beating with the silly one liners.,.,.,.,.,

last night fkin about with her coz shes potty.,.,.,
me what time is the 9 o clock film on luv?
her 10 i think i think hun.,.,..,and she really ment it..,.,

something she said the other day,,,ah  well i think it's 6 of one,and 6 of the other.,.,wtf????

she had me and my sister in stiches a few weeks ago.,.,.,
she was talking about someone and didnt know his name..,.,
she said somthing like.,.,you know.,.,you know.,.,him,,,,hes irish,,,,hes from ireland.,.,.,.,lmao.,.

she is so potty,but on a serious note she is very,very inteligent,...,sometimes.,.,.,.,

Me: (in front of the shaving mirror) Blimey Zell, I'm not love's young dream anymore, you'll have to start loving me for my mind.

Zell: Well I certainly can't love you for your money.

Me: I keep you in the manner to which you have become accustomed don't I?

Zell: Yes... Poverty!

lol

My aunt M (Who is in her 70's) cooked the Sunday lunch last week, exactly the same way she as she had cooked it, week in, week out for over 50 years. The only difference was, this time, instead of making fresh Yorkshire puddings, she used some of those "Aunt Bessie's" pre-cooked ones.

My uncle D, a hard living, hard fighting, hard drinking man, also in his 70's, came home from the pub and sat down to his dinner, as he had done for over 50 years.

"What's this?" He asked, tapping the Yorkshire pudding suspiciously with his knife, "Fast food?"

"Yes it is, so what?" Replied my aunt M defiantly from the kitchen.

The next moment, the dinner plate, complete with the Yorkshire puddings and the rest of the meal came whizzing past her head and on out through the open caravan door.

The brief silence that followed was broken my uncle D's softly spoken enquiry, "Was that fast enough for you?"

Looks like it's a pub lunch on Sundays for Uncle D from now on.

mel just come out with another one .,.,.,went a bit like this.,.,

niall .,.,.dad me and mum watched a sad film today and mum cried,,,
me     silly cow...
melanie    yeah,,,but we seen it before,,,
niall   ,yeah but you cried then aswell,,,
melanie   yeah i know,, but it wasnt as sad as the first time,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
me    your bonkers
melanie,,,well i knew what was comming this time....



look what i have to put up with..,.,.,but i would never change it.,.,lol

my nan did something similar to this top,,but it ended up her throwing a mug at my grandfather across the room and breaking his jaw,,,,,she was 82 he was 84 lmao,,,god bless her she went on to be 101 and great for her age living in her own home on her own untill she passed away quietly...she was top my nan....

i think the story about her throwing the mug at him was she wouldnt make him a cuppa if i re-call lol......
and he was the gramps to got to ww1 battle of the somme at about aged 16-17 ....i love stories like this..

I've had a bit of a sore tummy for the last couple of days....

Me: I'm a bit peckish, what would you eat if you had my belly?

Mrs Red: I'd never eat again if I had your belly.

lol very subtle, not

Today I went into a lift with my 2 year old nephew Tommy Sprout. When we reached our floor, the doors opened with a loud "Ding!" and Tommy shouted "We're cooked!"

 

Pretty good for a 2 year old :)

Just picked Janes daughter up from school ... she is 8.

We get in the car and conversation goes like this ..

8 yr old "Kev, What does this mean, its "PEN" and then "IS" on the end"

Me  "Where did you see that"

8 yr old "It was written on a bit of paper and stuck to a boys back"

Me "I think thats one for Mum to answer"





Good luck Jane

 rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

Chicken!

I just hope she doesnt say "Its what kev has between his legs, only bigger" !!!

FYP  :kiss:

Catholic Schools, always a good education....

This question, along with the "Mum, what does Gay, mean", on the weekend, is making me question my educational choices!

LOL

"It's when you make a minimum raise"

A couple of years ago I went to collect my then 11 year old daughter from her friends house.
As I was waiting in the house for my daughter to gather her things I was having a nice freindly chat with her friends mother and daughter
when out of the blue the young girl asks me what does "Wine me, dine me, 69 me" mean.
The poor mother nearly choked. lol

Oh my days ... Jane's 8 year old comes in from the garden and asks "Whats a short cock ?"  ... ermmmmmmmmmm  after asking her to repeat the question it turns out she was watching the older 2 play badminton and meant "what is a shuttlecock"


Fkin hell ... Kids LOLOLOLOLOL.

My daughter Muzelley and her friend (Discussing me)

Friend: Is he the strong, silent type?

Muzelly: His farts are...

Had to laugh at my son yesterday when out of the blue he started saying 'bagina, bagina, bagina'.
After telling him the correct word and meaning and that he really shouldn't be saying that word out loud, he responded 'oh I thought it was a type of fruit.'
The wife looked at me as if to say don't say a word....


[  ] I always listen to my wife
:)

Talking to he missus about redundancies at work 5 yo pipes up "if you lose your job dad we can go on britains got talent and do that dance with our bellys out"
Still smiling about it now. (anyone got Simon Cowells number)

Kids. Some years back when our Tom was 3or 4. Dad, is fuck a swear word?

Fair enough question, how else is a young man to find such things out.

My ex's neices went through a phase of saying 'Sake' whenever something was bugging them.

Then when I was babysitting, I heard the youngest (4 or 5 years old) drop something and say "Fuck!". Oh crap - I don't mind babysitting as long as I don't have to do anything but feed & water them & break up fights....

"Right Hannah, why are you swearing?"

"I wasn't."

"Yes you were, you said a bad word."

"No I didn't"

"Hannah, fuck is a very bad word."

"No it isn't" (at this internally I'm saying it a lot!!  ;frustrated;)

"Why not?"

"Daddy says 'Fuck's sake' and 'God's sake" and God isn't a bad word so Sake is the bad word."

At that logic I had to let her off & leave it to the parents to explain - I was laughing too hard to even pretend that she was in trouble.....

My little girl was off school today after being very poorly yesterday.  Anyhoo, she copped sight of the headlines about Michael Jackson on the telly.  Having not really heard of him before, she asked me who he was, and I explained, and showed her one of those 'life in pictures' things on the internet.  She asked why he looked 'normal' when he was young, then looked like 'a weird scary lady' later on etc etc.  That was that.  I few hours later I made her a pizza for her dinner.  She started by eating just the topping off a slice, then held the remains up for my inspection saying 'Mummy, this looks gross - like Michael Jackson's face'.  ::)

Conversation between my great nephew Tommy Sprout and his Mam:

Sprout: Can I have some sweets?

Mam: No.

Sprout: Why not?

Mam: Because you won't behave.

Sprout: But I've been very have.

Yesterday, I had to drop something off at Sadie's place of work. Mrs Red came along for the ride.

Mrs Red: Do you know where it is?

Me: Yes.

Mrs Red: Did she give you directions?

Me: No

Mrs Red: Well did she tell you where it is?

Me: No

Mrs Red: Did She tell you which is the best way?

Me: No

Mrs Red: Did she tell you to go through Lutterworth?

Me: No

Mrs Red: I really thought she would have given you directions, are you sure she didn't give you directions?

Me: Oh yes, I've just remembered, she did give me directions.

Mrs Red: Ah, I thought she would.

The occasiional little white-lie is stratergically necessary.

I said it with as much sarcasm as possible, but it was like water off a duck's back.


I do love her so though. (32 years next Thursday)

The sarcasm did not matter one iota. She wanted to hear those words, in any form. No losers, two winners, perfect.

Granddaughter Lisa Marie (Age 4)

Mam, remember when Ben (Her brother) was blind?

Ben was never blind.

Well you said he was.

When?

When he didn't see that dog shit....

Mrs Red: "He sounds like a female version of me,..."

Some quotes from my great niece, Mary Kate, (Age 5)

"Jesus Mary and... Jordan!"

"See you later crocodile"

She had her hair in braids, and someone said..

"I see your lovely curls have gone"

"No they haven't"

"Where are they then?"

"In me brains"

I could write a book about the stupid things my ex wife and her mother have come out with...i impart 2 classics and a couple of one liners...and these are the gods honest from 2 adults....i only hope my kids have my brains..

Many years ago whilst watching aimless telly as you do we happen upon a religious program..

me:  you know jesus was a chippie... ( meaning he was a carpenter..obv.. )

ex turns to me eyes wide : Nooor ur kidding?

me: nope thats what he did...

ex pauses for a few seconds: 'thats unbeleivable' she says...

me nodding : yeah true

She shakes her head and accepts it....

It then dawns on me and she admitted it...she thought he owned a fish and chip shop... I Fucking kid you not !!!!

Whilst driving along with ex, kids and mother in law in car...

Mother in law spots one of those metal tie tags 8 foot up a lampost cut badly creating a sharp end...

"Look at that! " she says indignantly... " A blind man could have his eye out with that ! "   WTF !!

Another Mother in law gem...  Mel Gibson says Fuck in a film... " he shouldnt be allowed to say that...he's a family man"

Driving along the rain is lashing down like a prelude to Noah's first voyage...Ma in Law spots teenager in a hoodie with it up shielding him from the heavens...
" boys his age shouldnt be allowed to wear them hoods up in public"

Mrs Red: I can't find a thing. I've got too much crap in my drawers.

Oh my........

I've had a bike for Tariq for a few years now but he's like me, if he likes something he uses it daily, if he doesn't then it gathers dust.

Me: Lets take your bike to the park

Tariq: Do we have to?

Me: No, but why not?

Tariq: Because it's not my preferred mode of transport

Sigh.

Edit that - he said preferred not favourite (I do listen honestly, I just forget lol)

LOL - just seen Laxies new sig  rotflmfao

Also this one had me chuckling, I was checking his homework which was to list the advantages and disadvantages of living in India in the city compared to rural.

In the advantages for living in the country he put:  Girls do more of the work

10 Year old daughter


Me "So, how was school this week?"

Her "fine, but if Isobel annoys me once more she is going to get a good fisting"


Pulls car over to side of road, puts hazard lights on. Resume journey a few minutes later when I am capable of seeing straight.

 rotflmfao

 rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao   love it  ;D

rotflmfao So how did you explain a) your laughter & b) why she wasn't to use that expression? I couldn't have kept a straight face.....

My bro Tracy: I'm taking tablets for my knees.

Me: Really, what are they?

Tracy: Those bendy things in the middle of my legs.

Sadie: My dad said I never listen...       


...at least that's what I think he said.

rotflmfao

I was at an airport cafeteria some years ago with my young son who was just learning to read and a menu had the name Egon Ronay on the front.

Phillip asked; "Daddy, why does it say egg on runway ?"

Much as I found it very funny, I was also quietly impressed that he'd been able to read as much as he had, and made a connection.

LMFAO...

11 year old daughter last night


Homework on her neighbourhood, communities, town shopping, supermarkets and the like


Question 3

"Describe where you buy your toys and books in your area"

Four spaced lines left for her answer on a worksheet


She writes an answer

"Amazon."

that made me proper lol rich. is that the same daughter as the fisting story?

one and the same

the one who's gonna poo on the curtains at the weekend?

My 7 year old daughter and I are driving home the other day when she pipes up 'Mummy - has life been good to you?'.  What a question.

"well yes", I start, "I can't complain really - I am lucky to have such a lovely daughter for starters, and although I know I get down about things sometimes there are many people in the world who would be very grateful to have the kind of life we do. So yes - life has been good to me".

Pause for a few seconds then...."What's that got to do with whether ice cream is good for you?"

 rotflmfao Classic.

As I am looking after my grandson aged 8 (Holdy's son) for part of the time while she is away, I planned to get him to make some chocolate muffins (out of a packet) for her on her return.

He read the instructions on the packet and made the preparations. It said 130ml water, well I don't know how much that is as I only know pints. He worked it out as about just under 1/4 of a pint.  He did everything him self and the mixture looked fine.

We put them in the oven and they should take 15 to 20 minutes.  This is where I think I messed it all up as they should be in middle of oven but I didn't move the oven rungs and put them in too low down.

After 20 minutes the timer went and he said they should be done now but looking through the glass I said they haven't risen enough yet so we gave them another 5 minutes.  He said they must be done now Nanny, you know you burn everything lets get them out.

We tested them with a knife and it came out clean so I said they must be done.  We let them cool and they looked a bit sorry for themselves.

We tasted one and he said they are not too bad but I could tell they were not done enough and said to him, they are not right perhaps we should not keep them for mummy.

He said they are ok they taste alright and you 'don't judge a book by it's cover'.

that old chestnut! Admit it Nellie, they were lovely really weren't they? ;)

Ryan 12


"Dad, Tiger Woods is doing well isn't he?"

"Well yes, amazing after five months out"

"What did he do wrong dad?"

"Well he was unfaithful to his wife with lots of women and it got him into problems"


Pause


"So dad, is that what happens when you have a gangbang?"

sounds like Ryan is probably ready for the infamous knock knock joke :D

My little baby seems obsessed with the cat flap, especially when one of my cats wants to come in. She keeps shouting "cat cat cat" :)

lol - great pic!

Molly, come here, It's time to put on your Princess pants
No
Come here
No
Princess pants
No
You like Princess pants
I don't like Princess pants
Daddy says you've got to put on your Princess pants
No, I don't like it.
Come on
No no no
Molly, you have to wear your Princess pants, it's bedtime.
I don't want Princess pants, It's my bum, I want spotty pants.
...
...
Fair enough (daddy gets spotty pants)

Why isn't Molly wearing her pull ups?
She wanted to wear spotty pants instead
but she's going to bed
It's her bum
What?
It's her bum
Are you an idiot.
She said...
Go and put on her pull up princess pants you big tool, she's away to go to her bed

Hiya Molly
Hiya Daddy
Mummy says we have to wear Princess Pants
Oh, Ok

It's priceless stuff Tank.

My 5year old Daughter.

She was receiving an certificate for achieving 100 merits so far in the term at assembly.  We were both going to watch of course, and gave her a few pointers....Be proud, hold the certificate away from your face so we can see your beautiful smille...

A few mintues later we caught her looking at the mirror streching her mouth....

" Are you OK, is your mouth or teeth hurting you"
"No Daddy, I'm practicing which smile to use"

Take that to my grave

my 6 year old at the time was doing a lesson at school on pets/garden animals etc

one little girl says we have a pet rabbit and i take it out of his hutch i stroke it and play with it its lovely

another says we have a cat and a dog and we play with them all the time

my little Chloe pipes up we had a frog in our garden

teacher: arr that's nice

Chloe: it was but my dad chopped its head off with the lawn mower!!!

"No, you can't take Henry outside, you'll dirty his legs"

Mrs Red.

(5pts for the first correct explanation)

Henry the hooverrrrr

Sigh. Either it was too easy, or Cos is too domesticated.

I do the hoovering in our house, we have a dyson and a henry. Henry every time ftw

But do you have to keep his legs clean?

How do they get dirty?

By taking him outside obv  ::)

Why would you take him outside !?

Luckily i live with a woman so don't have anything to do with hoovering etc, maybe Mrs Red wanted to hoover the lawn?

Just a guess, like i say i dont have to worry about such things...

I was Hoovering me van out....

How did you manage it without Henry?

I took him outside, but I made him stand in a cardboard box.

Mrs Red asks him if I've mistreated him while she wasn't there...

Hoovers are serious business.  Must look after them don't ya know. 

We had a cleaning lady calling to the house after my last back operation.  She busto'd the Dyson within a few visits.  Bought another hoover which she managed to mangle right about the time I was well enough to give her the road and do the work myself again.

Was a toss up between Dyson and Henry and I went for another Dyson as I knew the machine.  So you Lads reckon Henry is the biz?  Will have to keep that in mind next time I let someone else loose on my hoover.

It's not close between a Henry and a Dyson.

henry has the funny face so 1 point there

End result is Dyson 26 Henry 1

not an expert but aren't henrys cheap and last forever and dysons expensive and fragile? we got a henry, had it forever.

Dyson vacuums carpets though, picks up some good points right there.

I get mine serviced once a year or so by some dude at the market, it's lasted ages.

This.

Yeh Dyson does the job better but doesn't have a face on it.
My Henry has well and truly lost his power. Will probably replace it with a Henry though. They aren't cheap though are they?

Nice job.

Enjoy those pints.

pts = potatoes.

Boom I was gonna let you off but I don't drink beer!

I eat potatoes though. :)

Mrs Red  & I having a friendly, but never the less somewhat heated difference of opinion.


Me: (after putting forward an indisputable, unquestionable, irrefutable argument) "I rest my case"

Mrs Red: "You'll be resting it in another room tonight"

why are trvellers so quick and funny sometimes without even knowing it,.,.,.,.,

i walked in the casino the other night and an old travler mate of mine i hadnt seen for years was there with his brother.,.,(i used to box both of them.,.,not at the same time lol.,.,)

i shout hiya taff.,.,i havent seen you for years.,.,.,he shouts in his loud voice.,.,HEY.,.,JONNY.,.,THERES FISHER REMEMBER HIM IN THE RING AND LOL.,.,
trying so sound clever.,.,.,.,.

i shout back .,.,YEAH ALRIGHT JONNY.,.,.,I NEVER LOST,.,.,.,EVERYONE LAUGHS AT TAFF THE TRAVELLER.,.,.,.,within a blink of an eye he shouts back.,.,.,.,

YEAH YOU NEVER WON EITHER.,.,.,.,i was stuck for words.,.''the place just falls apart laughing''.,.,.,.,,not like me lol.,.,.

belive it or not taff coulda went on to british titles but he got done for murder..,,he was attacked outside a nightclub.,.and he hit a guy with a street sign..,.,

do you know him tom.,.,.,taffy coffey from rover way.,.,lives in bristol now.,.,hes worth a fortune.,.,.,got all the garden guys.,.,etc.,.,
hes funny,.,.,

I know, or know of, virtually everyone James, and if I don't, I know someone who does.

That's how it works.

Henry's are not too bad, I'll concede, but you need to buy special replacement bags for them. Big minus as it's lots of pfaffing around.

I probs pay less getting my Dyson serviced (tenner a year or so) than I would on new Henry bags.

It's really funny when you're playing poker in Vegas and someone asks "Oh you're Englsh, do you happen to know John Smith? He lives in Worcester. Small guy with grey hair, wears glasses"

I've taken to saying yes, but haven't seen him in a while.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Six_degrees_of_separation

buying some bags off amazon <<<<<<<<<<< pfaffing than taking your dyson to and from servicing. they are big and last a long time too.

clearly the balla option is the dyson. if i ever win the lottery i'll probably buy 2 of them

Surely the balla option would be buying a new house when yours gets dirty? (or failing that paying someone else to clean)

Bridie: I like that Dire Straits song.

Me: Which one?

Bridie: The one that goes "It was crazy uncle Walter..."

just having a little bop around the living room as you do.

"MUMMY!!!!!"

"yes?"

"the curtains are OPEN!!!!"

Hahaha!  rotflmfao That's a classic.

many years ago in on a building site this conversation took place in the tea hut,i see here in the news paper if you send off 12 vouchers you can get a portable transister radio in the shape of a can of coca cola,next guy replies i shoudnt bother its bound to be  tinny,
polite laughter ripples thru the site hut as we muse over the guys sharp wit and precision delivery,then drys up as we see from the body launguage and demour of our great wit [aided with visual assistance as he is oggleing sam fox on page three of his intel challenge]   he has no idea.....

"Dad?"

"Yes, Ryan"

"What's better, sex or chocolate?"

slows car down, ponders what on earth to answer a 13 year old.....and why on earth is he answering

and reply

"Depends if you are hungry or not..."

Feel smug that have got away with it.

Twenty seconds later

"Dad, do you mean Oral sex?"

haha - fantastic! 

Bridie singing

I won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tear
Just as long, as you tranquillise me

 Sitting down with a cuppa when my daughter comes up to me and says "Come on, stop relaxing, you are a Parent!"

Girl in the office where Bridie works:  "I can see you in my profiterole vision"

THAT made me proper chuckle.

Overheard the girls chatting.

Zelly: Did you see the David Attenborough programme "The Giant Egg"?

Bridie: No...

Sadie: Where did it come from?

Mrs Red: A giant ****

On a recent trip to the cinema I asked my 11yo lad what he'd like for a snack....
...cockporn  ;popcorn;

Posted on my friend's facebook status.  Her daughter is 3.

Me: "Eve, if you say 'I want to go downstairs' one more time you are going on the naughty spot. Do you understand?" Eve: "yes...,, Mummy? I don't want to be upstairs anymore.'

Sadie on phone to bank:

Can you send me a statement please?

Will a short one be OK?

How far does a short one go back?

6 entries.

Six centuries?.....  Six centuries?

Yes, 6 entries.

But I've only had the account for 4 years.

Reece was staying home with Darren the other night whilst I was on lates. My mobile rang it was Darren to say Reece really needed to talk with me.

Reece, " Grandma Grandma we have a problem, last night I saw Mummy getting undressed to shower and guess what...she doesn't have a willy. Don't tell me she wee's and poo's through her bum. She is a freak I tell ya, a freak ".

 rotflmfao

While getting dried after her bath last night 2yo Alice reacted to the sound of exploding fireworks outside with "Daddy trumped."

Charming!

At my Dad's last night, pretty com exchange with him and my step sister who's 18 and has just moved to Uni at Middlesboro...

Dad "When you going to clean that car it's filthy"

Ashleigh "I can't clean it now I'm at Middlesboro"

Dad "Huh, why ??"

Ashleigh "Because if I do someone will steal it while I'm cleaning it"

We all look completely bemused

Dad to me "She's actually serious as well"

Me "Eh, how would they steal it"

Ashleigh "While I'm cleaning it at the back someone will jump in and pinch it"

 rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

Mrs Red (reading news article): "Big meals linked to memory loss".

Sadie: I don't recall having any particularly big meals.....

If she realised what she was saying that's pure genius.

+1

We took Alice to the zoo today in Dalton.

From memory, the order roughly consisted of hippos, llamas, lions (including watching them feed), a tiger, giraffes, rhinos, apes doing an engrossing display of swings and calls, penguins, sleeping foxes, the world's rarest member of the pig family, more tigers, free roaming lemur monkeys walking along side us, and a cheetah.

Over lunch, I asked Alice what her favourite part had been.

"The ducks!"

You had any big meals lately???

heard some pretty amusing conversations in my time working in a call centre in my time probably the top line ever was..

(i work for a sat tv company ;))

Customer: The two cables coming from my dish have fallen out of the back of the box last night.

Advisor: ok.. and?

Customer: My tv now says "No Sat Signal is being recieved"

Advisor: Did you plug them back in?

Customer: O no should i plug them back in?

Advisor: Yes please

Customer: O thanks my picture is back now!

Advisor hits head agaisnt the computor!

This happens on a daily basis calls like this most of the time its due to the box being in standby and the customer not actually turning it on :(

Allegedly ...


This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

CS: "What sort of trouble?"

C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

CS: "Went away?"

C: "They disappeared."

CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

C: "Nothing."

CS: "Nothing?"

C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

C: "How do I tell?"

CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

C: "What's a monitor?"

CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

C: "I don't know."

CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

C: "Yes, I think so."

CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

C: ".......Yes, it is."

CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

C: "No."

CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

C: ".......Okay, here it is."

CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

C: "No."

CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

CS: "Dark?"

C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."

C: "I can't."

CS: "No? Why not?"

C: "Because there's a power outage."

CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

That's just awesome !

Lol yeah. Can't be true can it

Dunno - it's been on the go for about 20 years AFAICR

awesome! dont know if it is true you know you are going to get sacked doing something like that is it worth it!

A famous one at my workplace was when we had sent a policy schedule to the administrators of the Dyslexia society pension scheme

They returned it to us to have an amendment made to the scheme name...................................we had spelled Dyslexia incorrectly

Geo

Brilliant :)

About 20 years ago playing trivial pursuit with 3 other couples.

My girlfriend reading a question: "Who starred in the film Asparagus"?

Stony silence.

Me: "Kirk Douglas"

Gf : "Correct"!

She is now my wife. Good job she can cook.

My daughter Muzelley, opening envelopes and ranting about junk mail, comes across one from the NHS.

"...And why the Hell have the hospital sent me an appointment for peach serapy?"

Avert- Adopt a snow leopard with WWF.

Mrs Red- What's WWF, is it like BSE?

Amazing thread, too good.

http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-india-20849295


Mrs Red: I bet that's been brewing for a long time...

Reece chillilng with us on the sofa.

" Granadads legs feel just like Grandma's." 

must be the muscle he is referring to. 

If you want an independent opinion, I'll feel yours and Tony can feel Darren's and then we'll compare notes.

My boy Connor is 5 and I have had him listening to a few old classics, his favourite being Step ON by the Happy Mondays.

With grans and granddads around this week I built him up to sing the first few lines and dance like Bez to it but he got a bit shy and said he couldn't remember all the words. I told him to think about some food we had eaten this weekend and mouthed the word melon to him.

All proud he started off ' twisting my melon man, you talk so hip man your twisting my melon man.........corn on the cob'

 

Much love for this :-) Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year to you and the family!

Lol. Priceless.

30 years down the line, things our kids have said are still repeated. Some have become part of our everyday vocabulary.

 

Cheers Kuku, I do love those old put downs and laughs that get passed down thru the years Tom, when we were kids do you remember the TV show Hart to Hart?

I have 2 brothers and we would play the Hart to Hart game which involved one of us being Robert Wagner, the other being Stephanie Powers and the last one had to Max the gofer and butler/ dogsbody. So we would take it in turns and when it was your go to be Max you had to fetch and carry for everyone that day.

So in our family Max has now become a derogatory name which has now been prefixed to highlight the level of buffoonery you have just performed' big Max' 'Super Max' etc. We even send cards to each other saying Happy Birthday King Max etc and answer the phone to each other with summat like 'whats tha want big Max'. The extended family even do it now too, so we have managed to turn a kids game into a long running put down/leg pull. Any instance of out Maxing someone else gets you a full round of Max.

My Mrs fancied watching a film one night so I told here to look thru the channels and pick one she wanted. She flicked thru the paper and said 'at 9 o'clock there is a French film called La Confidentiale on BBC2 that looks ok' I ask her what it is about and she says ' A police man trying to eradicate corruption falls in love with the wrong girl'.

A little like your hotel room example I ask her if it's got subtitles  and she says no, so at least I can listen to it and grunt in all the right places when she starts asking me what will happen next.

So I trot into the kitchen 2 mins before it starts to make a cuppa and when I go back thru the film has already started and instead of a French film called La Confidentiale she is in fact watching LA Confidential.

Lol

Lol. It must be moyder....

Haha. That's one to save for when you have friends round and you want to tease her.

Me: (Trying to concentrate on writing a report) "Will you please stop asking questions."

Bridie: Why?

My Granddaughter has just drawn a mermaid that looks like Barry Nevile.

Made the mistake of talking about this youtube:

YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8DNGh126oM

to my girlfriend in front of others when she was working the bar.

Then made the bigger mistake of laughing at her struggling with the question....

GG Rod - seriously in the shit for that one....

Absolutely LMAO!

Pure quality.  ;D ;D ;D

On my small sample test of 3 women, 1 in 3 will get it right without prompting on what miles per hour actually means. I think their minds work in different ways, either that or I'm surrounded by bimbos daft women.

Had a genuine ROFL moment the other day.

As is our early morning ritual, Alice (3 1/2) climbs into our bed each morning at whatever God-forsaken hour she wakes up and sits in the middle of us.  As good parents, we naturally switch on children's TV to amuse her while we try to sleep until human hours arrive.  On this occasion, I was holding Grace (4 weeks old) post-feed and failed attempt at winding, and had resorted to bringing my nose to hers while making silly noises, invariably ending in a 'Boink' when they touched, in a vain attempt to get a hint of a smile.

Alice, thinking this looked like fun, asked for a go, so I did a couple where Grace's nose touched Alice's, instead of mine, resulting in squeals of delight from Alice, which woke Sophie up from her cat-napping.

"Is that fun?" asked Sophie to Alice.

"Yes, Mummy.  Grace loves bonking," comes the reply.

We tried really hard to laugh silently, but I think I was the first to break!

 rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

My missus (The Piranha): Did you know you can stir-fry these microwaveable rices?
Me: What is the plural of rice?
The Piranha: ..............................roce?

My son this morning made me quite literally spit my breakfast out with this gem..

Watching Sky News - Mali reporter Alex Crawford

" I really feel sorry for her, as she could be really pretty, but you'd never know because her face is always pix-elled "

Truly spectacular!!!

Radio 4 news reader: Food inspectors searching for horse DNA have located traces in Ikea meatballs.

Me, (aloud to myself) Blimey! They're even putting the harness in now.

Mrs Red.

"Who's been using my cup? I looked everywhere for it. Then I went in to the shed and there it was, never to be seen again."

I lolled.

Mrs Red:

I've heard of greedy people, but you take the biscuit.

Took the girls for a look at local museum today.
We were mooching around, as you do, when Alisha came rushing up to tell me 'You just have to see this machine Mam! You press the buttons with the letters on and actual paper come out the top straight away!'
This technological wonder was of course, a typewriter. God, I feel old.

whats a typewriter?

Granddaughter Leonie: "Here mam, hold this while I clean me teef."




(http://i1299.photobucket.com/albums/ag66/plainreddog/20130815_130517_zps08db0f40.jpg)

Wow... When did dental care become free....?

Me: Vous avez merde?

Mrs Red: Oui.

Me: What, as well?

My daughter Nicole wanted all summer to do a Lemonade stand!

Today we did just that. She was as happy as Miss Happy in a happy shop buying bundles of happiness.


*edit - made profit of £3.90.

Frogerti gib.

Mrs Red as I turn on the radio in the bedroom at 00:50.

"Oh no! Not dogger bite again....."

Good.

Text from Bridie.

Are you doing anything interesting?

Yes. It starts with e and ends with ting.

Existing?

Mrs Red - You know that new Indian Restaurant called 'The Monsoon'?

Me - Yes.

Mrs Red - Well it's gone now.

Me- That didn't reign long.  ;marks;

Me: you're a terrible procrastinator.

Bridie: I know, but I'm going to stop procrastinating later.

Me: Why is this shopping list on such a small piece of paper?

Mrs R: I don't like to waste paper.

Me: But you've torn a post-it note in two, what did you do with the other half?

Mrs R: That is the other half.

A girl I knew at Uni, famously 'blonde', despite being brunette, was once ordered to get her ass to the kitchen and make a pot of tea.

She returned with a kettle and five mugs and went to begin pouring.  "WTF is going on".  "I've made a kettle of tea".  "Que"? 

She had put teabags, milk, sugar, and water into the kettle and boiled.

OMG! I can't decide if that's funny or sad.

She and several others I met in University life who had led very sheltered existences.  She was a great girl though so will forgive her dumbness at times.

I recall one conversation we were having were she simply responded 'What's an android'?

Not being able to correctly make a cup of tea is a criminal offence up north, so I presume she was a fairly posh girl!

She was from North London.

Arsenal fan, obviously. All kettle and no cups.

 ;hattip;

My lad - 'Dad, have you ever noticed that Steve Coogan and Alan Partridge look like each other?' ;shame;

 ;applause;

Listening to Stevie Wonder on the car radio.

Me: I don't know about part time lover, I think I've been laid off.

Mrs Red: No dear, you took voluntary redundancy.

Speaking to my elderly cousin Felicity about how well her pot plants do in her living-room and she says:

"I only water them with rain-water as tap-water has chloroform in it."

Sadie, 'Excuse sir, where is the bar?'
'The bar?!!'
'Yeah the bar,  why, what do you call it over here?'
"We call it the bar too ma'am, but it's 10am!'

HEHE..Hope your having a ball. x

You know it hunny!

Random American man shouting across the lobby to us as we were off out,  'Ladies!  You look wonderful,  y'all look like, like. .. fruit! '

Sadie; 'Well that's a coincidence 'cos you look like a nut'

Mrs Red - "I wouldn't give him another second chance".

Mrs Red - "I have a very good whasname of words".

Took my ten year old to the cinema this evening to see the new Star wars movie.
When we got back I overheard her telling her older sisters how Hans Solo flies the Malcolm Fillenium.

Due to childcare issues we have had Grandma staying for a few days to look after the girls.
Grandma has never been the best with names, often sends Christmas cards to Caroline (daughter) and Daniel (son) instead of Caroline and Adam (me), calls Indie (youngest) Anya (eldest)  and vice versa and when she realises her mistake adds "or whatever your name is".  Grandma went home last night.

Bought Indie downstairs this morning to be greeted by Anya (3) saying "morning whatever your name is". Thanks Grandma.

 rotflmfao

Quality thread! Hadn't seen this before - intrigued to know what the you tube vid was from a few pages back?

Anyway, one of my mates has a missus that comes out with corkers on a regular basis which he obv posts to facebook. This is one of my faves:

Me: Are we watching the solar eclipse on Friday?

Lisa: What time is it?

Me: About half 8 int morning. 

Lisa: Is it? I thought it was at night.

This is was done totally without malicious intent, it's just the way he is.

Early on January 10th my son-in-law wakes my daughter and asks excitedly.

"Hey, did you know that David Bowie has odd eyes?"

"No".

"Yes, yes he has..    He's dead too".

Bridie eating a bag of Cheetos.

Me "They look like Dale Winton food".

"Why?"

"Because they're bright orange".

"Oh, I thought it was because they're cheesy puffs".

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

.

My youngest Granddaughter is knitting me a scarf from various lengths of scrap wool. She showed me the first foot or so, which was festooned with knots and loose threads.

"Don't worry" She said brightly, "It will be OK when I've edited it".

I always say this and I have to wonder if it's because of this post.

She mixed up 'The sharpest knife in the drawer' and 'The brightest bulb in the box'


My claim to fame is that I invented the saying, 'Older than God's dog'.

I was writing something and I wanted a good simile for old and I thought well if God has a dog surely he wouldn't let it die.

It's an everyday saying amongst my friends and family now and it's slowly creeping further afield. I haven't seen it used in print yet save for this enquiry.

http://www.iknowtheway.co.uk/2014/04/10/older-than-gods-dog/

I have definitely heard this before, probably from you to be fair. It would be interesting to find out who posted that comment.

While talking about local and general anaesthetics my almost 21 yo daughter asked 'are local anaesthetics sourced responsibly from the local area?'

Mrs Red didn't realise she had said this and couldn't work out why I was laughing.

Oh what a wembled tag we weave....

She's on form today.

"Those three dogs are all the same size except for the big one".

Granddaughter Alisha. "I bet I'm the most least competitive person in the world"

"I bet you're not" :D

Every time I open this thread it's a reminder that I did not invent "not the sharpest bulb in the box". I say it all the time, ugh, thanks Sadie

Read a poker article today and the guy said "So everything I say below should be taken with a grain of salt"

Made me lol out loud, had to tell someone, thought here was as good as any.

Me- what does a dyslexic Yorkshire man wear on his head?

Daughter Zelly- A cat flap.

Granddaughter Leonie -  I don't get it. Understand it for me Mam.

I walk into the bedroom and find Mrs red with her trousers around her ankles.

What are you doing?

I'm trying something on.

What, with me?

No, I mean need to take it in.

I say nothing, but raise a hopeful eyebrow...

Oh just get out you idiot.

Me watching the dogs hunt with their noses to the ground.

"I wish I could smell like a dog, just for one day"

Mrs Red, "I've got news for you..."

:)

 rotflmfao

I have a friend who happens to be illiterate. (Actually I have a lot of friends who happen to be illiterate but that's another story)

What literate people don't realise is that illiterate people have to rely entirely on their ears for their language skills.



Me: Are you ready?

Him: I'm as ready as a leather bee.

Mrs Red "I hate it when I accidentally bite the sweet I was sucking"

Me "I know, its a bitter-sweet feeling"   ;hattip;

Text conversation after putting my sons, who’s at uni, allowance in his bank account

Son: thanks for the money papa
Me: you’re welcome, drink it wisely
Son: just spilt my pint reading your text
Me: doh

 :D

Whilst driving at a spritely speed on an almost empty motorway

Wife: you shouldn't be going this fast
Me: Why not?
Wife: You're in the slow lane

She has only been driving for 34 years.

Haha

I was on the M1 the other day and I was towing so only doing ~ 60mph when I saw several cars get flashed when passing under a camera gantry even though there was no visible restriction in operation. I can only conclude they were done for exceeding the 70 limit.

It's a sorry age we live in :( Was this at night? and were the cars that got flashed on the other side of the carriageway?

I was driving on the M6 a few weeks ago between junctions 4 and 5. Not stating how fast I was going but it may have been over 70. Anyway as I passed under a gantry I noticed, in my door mirror, that 3 lights came on but the weird thing was that they didnt flash and seemed to gradually turn off. I went through the next gantry at a slower speed and I'll be buggered the same thing happened. So now as I approached the next gantry I made sure I was travelling well below the speed limit. Guess what? it happened again. I spent the rest of my journey determined to figure it out.... I was not being flashed at all. It was simply the configuration of the gantry and the positioning of the lights lighting up the signs on the gantry. As I went through them I could just about see the lights through a gap before being obscured again. Lesson learnt, dont speed :)

Mrs Red "Check out my new plug in orange juice sprayer".


(https://s16.directupload.net/images/190424/jdkdbcnd.jpg) (https://www.directupload.net)


Daughter "What a time to be alive"

(http://i.imgur.com/1Ka5bIH.jpg) (https://imgur.com/1Ka5bIH)

"Mr Djokoviv is challenging the call, the ball was called out".

Mrs Red: "If he's right does that man have to say sorry?"

Mrs Red's insult, reserved for a special few. I've herd it loads of times over the years but today for some reason I actually listened to the words and they made me laugh.



"That stinking drawered bitch".

Me: "I just took a photo of the fan and a shutter speed of 1/400 didn't freeze the movement, what does that prove?"""

Mrs Red: "Do I really need to answer?"

Reds post on the TTPYO thread got me remembering that on a visit to the cinema my then 4 year old son asked for some cock porn from the young blushing lady who served us.

Haha, that's just a perfect answer

Me: Shows Mrs Red some dramatic footage of yesterday's terrorist attack, filmed by some bloke from a second floor bedroom.


Mrs Red" OMG! Look at the state if his window sill.

Me: (rummaging through my underwear drawer) "I can't decide which of these underpants turn you on the most".

Mrs Red: "I like the ones without the skid-marks".

Mrs Red lectures me about leaving the sink and nail brush dirty as she wipes it down.

"All you have to do is rub your wet hands over the sink and rinse the nail brush under the tap"

Me: "You know your problem don't you?"

Mrs R: No.

Me: You haven't got a wife.




I think I'm in the doghouse.

According to Mrs Red, when I have a wash I splash about like one of them waterhogs.

We're just back from a week away in the camper.

One evening we parked up in a secluded spot down a quiet, one car an hour type country lane.

We read for an hour or so, watched a DVD, had a wash, ate our dinner and then got ready for bed.

Unnoticed by me, Mrs Red rinsed out her smalls and hung them out of sight of the road on the wing mirror nearest the hedge.

Later that night the van was rocked quite violently by a sudden gust of wind.

Imagine my confusion when Mrs Red piped up,
"Woah! What if my drawers blow off and cause an accident."

Mrs Red picked some small, dry, wizened blackberries and then found another bush with large succulent ones.

We still have to eat the small dry ones though, because she doesn't wand them to die in vain.

I have devoped a habit over the years of just saying the letter "F" rather than swearing.  The other day when confronted by some appaling driving I went "JFC".   My eldest pipes up, what does JFC mean?  So I said well the first word is Jesus, you can guess the rest.

She replies "Jesus Fucking *****?" 

Oh dear... Lol.

oh, it kind of spoils it if it gets starred out.  Don't think I need to worry too much about swearing in front of them anymore.  The missing word rhymes with punt for those confused.

PMSL

We shouldn’t laugh but it’s hard not to.

How old is she?

She is just gone 14, so at the prime age for learning a new language.

I was walking through a field of cows with Mrs Red & our Granddaughter. We had the dog with us so the cows were following us with their heads lowered, as cows do.

"Do you know" Said my Granddaughter nervously, "that cows kill more people than sharks?"

Mrs Red pipes up, "I didn't know cows killed sharks"