“It’s just Birmingham with palm trees,” I proclaim to Floppy in the taxi. The shops try and rip you off, motorists dive on the left and it’s even starting to rain! Aw shucks, who am I kidding here, it’s nothing like Brum – it’s bright, sunny and lively, and the rain’s not proper rain, just a slight warm drizzle, unlike our freezing cold rain that attacks you from an angle and gives you pneumonia. Yep, I confess, everything's just peachy over here in the Bahamas!
Not sure how I ended up here though. When did the Bahamas become part of the EU? Will the GUKPT see us set off to Barbados, and will the GBPT announce that Bristol, Edinburgh and Bournemouth are to be joined by a quick stop off in Bermuda? Whoever at PokerStars blagged this one needs a medal! Can't wait for next year and the introduction of the Sidney EPT.
Meanwhile, US customs give us a grilling again. A year or two ago, Jen was inches away from the rubber glove treatment, so I always excrete bricks when I approach the security box. I don’t know why, I’ve got nothing to hide, it’s just they make me feel so guilty that just one menacing look wants me to confess to something... anything!
It makes me feel like a teenager again, anxiously awaiting my fate as the smug bouncer sniggers at my fake ID. “Adamus Snoopius, sir?” How about when you’re actually 18 but have forgotten your driving license, that’s even more nerve-wracking as you know your mates are bound to rib you for being knocked back when you’re actually
above the legal age.
When I enter the States, I always crumble under the spotlight, even though I'm an innocent man. The simplest of questions suddenly sound like something from University Challenge and if you don’t answer immediately and with conviction, you fear that they’re going to summon over Big Bubba and request that you bend over pronto. When they asked me what my occupation was, the word ‘terrorist’ was inexplicably bouncing around in my head. I know it’s a taboo word, but it sounds a little like ‘journalist’, and I very nearly said the wrong one. Crikey, I might as well bring my own lube!
Anyhow, I made it here unscathed and without my crevice tampered with, so as they say before boxing matches, the odd Ultimate Fighting bout and, dare I say it, a classic PJ and Duncan track…
Llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllet’s Get Ready to Rumbleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!... at 12pm (5pm UK time)
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