An account of Jeeves' trip to Las Vegas latterly in the service of Mr tikay.

[MereNovice]

Jeeves, you are truly "The Best In The Business".

[pleno1]

Lawl I don't even have a Geordie accent! But nh

[Knottikay]

"Jeevs. Black. Picture" So I turned the flash off

Too good. 

[Jeeves]

"Jeeves, work tomorrow. Going to be doing some filming now that Dan the man has arrived"

"Yes sir"

"Put out my best shirt please. Oh and i need you to be director"

"Director sir? Me?"

"Yes Jeeves, they've only sent Dan. Just about good enough to hold the camera Jeeves. Need a man with a sense of scale and pace Jeeves. You'll do"

I felt honoured and busied myself in Master's closet

Rather than pull out the "best shirt" I instead pulled out one with horizontal stripes. After a few weeks in Vegas and a few sticky buns too many, I decided that something that looks slimming was appropriate and told My Master so

"Hoops sir, Hoops. You know the camera adds ten pounds. Or should that be dollars? Ha ha ha"

Master looked up from his book and raised an eyebrow over his pince nez. He did not laugh. Merely snorted and returned to his Chapter on HotDog Eating Contest Betting patterns since 1992, written by a Mr Doyle.

We went down to the Ground floor early and I gave Master my instructions while Dan worked out where the on button was for the camera

"Master. We want your viewers to feel like they are here. Character. Stories. Nothing too eccentric"

Silence. Perhaps I was overstepping my directorial mark, after all I was working with experienced talent.

In one take, My Master delivered

"Sir, do you think we can do one without you holding a Starbucks latte?"

"Jeeves, its my prop"

"I know sir but it is rather large"

"Jeeves, I am talent. Look after talent don't take away what makes them feel comfortable. The Latte stays"

"Sir could we do a take without so much time walking in corridors? Oh, and can we lose the lobster section? Oh and the shoe shine bit? Oh and the bit about the laptops?"

Master stamped a foot, stuck his bottom lip out and looked sullen

So we stayed with the first take, as follows. Readers, I tried, really I did



"Jeeves. One take tikay. Enough. Lets go outside. Everyone will want to know about the car park"

I went to speak but the look was such that I decided to demur.

Twenty minutes later, after My Master had spent fifteen minutes driving a red Ferrari around the parking lot, the following emerged



Overnight, I need to find a way to ask My Master if I could please not be director and could I be cameraman instead? I can feel my ability to put "film director" on my CV is waning, by the hour......

 

[RED-DOG]

Walks fast for a fat bloke dunt e?

Flower shops, mobile phone covers, car parks.... What drivel.

He'll be doing washers and end caps next.

[Rubbish2407]

Jeeves, really sorry but I have to make a complaint. Either get Tikay to speak up or turn the background music down. Couldn't hear a word he was saying although maybe that's not a bad thing. Top report once again.

[Jeeves]

It is the end of a whirlygig 48 hours of interviewing the great and good of poker in the Hallways of the Rio.

Master is asleep, though will be waking soon ahead of his play in Day 2 of the WSOP Main event later

He has just received a text message

"Tokay, you are bug blond to my biltong. Hahaha I migt huv a shoave espec"

I consulted my Plinop translation page, built lovingly by myself on a google spreadsheet over the past fortnight. I am convinced it saved my Master hours

I replied as if I was My Master's voice

"Get a new buttplug son, your arse is mine"

but I deleted that, lets it fell into the wrong hands and replaced it before sending with

"Bring it on Plinop, bring it on"

Much less open to blackmail and misinterpretation

So I have spent much of the last 48 hours on camera duty whilst Sky Poker, jollies for cameramen, Dan procured subjects for interviews

Dan would message across

"Got Warne, will be with you in 5" and My Master then consults wikipedia, panics a little, asks me for suggested questions and then does the interview

My questions for Shane Warne got rejected in favour of "Who do you think will win the Ashes?"

Boooooooring.

Fortunately in XS-Peppermint-Bojangles later when we were both chest deep in g-strings and pneumatic breasts, I was able to ask Mr Warne the questions that everyone except my Master wanted asking, largely surrounding his beau Ms Hurley. Suffice to say my interest was piqued.

With some subjects though, Master has very little to work with

"So, cambridgealex, how has Vegas been for you?"

Answer, and I paraphrase "Mumble, shrug, mumble, look miserable, mumble again, shrug"

I made a note to speak to his people about media training. However his people appear to have spent the trip eating, playing OFC and losing at cash, so I will wait for a more opportune time

Anyway, while my Master played Day1a he "Lived the dream" At the end of play I "Lived the nightmare" of having to film a man with an unbuttoned and unironed check shirt interviewing my master



I made a note to speak to his people about makeovers, and to the Sky Poker, travel irons for talent, people about introducing sartorial standards into service contracts.

Finally last night, we went outside into the heat to see an RV owned by a man who looked like a cross between a Village People tribute and a chipmunk, called Daniel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=SqnHKJ8ESvQ

Afterwards, as My Master began suggesting to me that next year he would hire an RV and live in it in the car park or, if he could, hear a station or on a bridge or under a flyover or near the airport (the list of suitable locations went on a bit) I had to admonish him

"Sir, don't tell anyone that you want to marry them on camera. Litigious society sir, don't commit to what you can't deliver"

"and if you do sir,no more talk of ripping new arseholes this trip, please"

Master looked at me, weary. Our time together in Vegas was coming to an end, and we both knew it. I was expecting a telling off but instead

"Big day tomorrow Jeeves. Day 2a. Plinop on the Biltong to my blond. Prepare my bed, and get rid of the caterpillar door stopper ovoid thing on top of the bed as usual please"

"Yes sir" I replied and scurried ahead to make preparations.

As I looked back, My Master measured the height of the RV.

[tikay]

"Tokay, you are bug blond to my biltong. Hahaha I migt huv a shoave espec"

[Kev B]

   "Get a new buttplug son, your arse is mine"  

So so funny WP Jeeves.


Go on Tikay rip a new one into the day two table GL GL.

[Karabiner]

Pure pwnage ITT.

[Jeeves]

"Jeeves I have had enough"

"Yes sir, home soon sir. Osterley, your BMW, RED-DOG. All your favourites"

"I don't mean that Jeeves, happy to stay in Vegas. I mean I have had enough of interviewing poker players"

He paused, and I could feel a tornado of emotion welling up inside

"I'm eating healthily this year tikay. Feel less tired tikay. Fruit, vegetables, macrobiotic foods. Yoga. Still in the main event. Live poker etiquette, don't tap the tank. Exercise, I'm eating healthily this year tikay"

I stayed quiet

"blah blah blah Jeeves, they all say the same things. blah blah bloody blah"

"Except Shane Warne's weave sir. He told you to get on Ashton Agar in the Ashes. My Skybet, punting for non-punters as long as they don't want any amount at any reasonable price, account has been closed now, thanks to Warney"

Ignoring me, he paced round the media centre, muttering to himself over and over again

"blah blah blah blah blah"

Eventually he stopped

"Enough Jeeves. I am going to do a report just for me. No more fruit, vegetable and plenty of exercise talk"

"Trains? Boats? Bridges? Ducks? Stock trading? Any of those sir?"

"No Jeeves. Call Dan. We are off to the ground floor"

A few minutes later, we found ourselves outside the Penn and Teller theatre once again. I wondered what "a report just for me" was to entail  

"Dan, Jeeves. One of you grab the boom. One of you grab the camera. Don't care which. One take tikay, watch and learn"

and he started

"Over six thousand players....we all have the dream.....final table....great excitement...Just look over here this for me is Vegas. Starbucks sticky buns"

I stuck my hand up

"Sir, there are thousands of Starbucks all over the world. How can a Starbucks signify Vegas for you?"

A withering look ensued. Dan shuffled his feet looking down at the floor

"Shut up Jeeves" said Dan "He's the talent, lets get this done as quickly as possible"

"Jeeves" tikay mounted his high horse and put his feet in his verbal stirrups "Starbucks Sticky Buns. Be quiet, and learn"

Rarely had I heard him so assertive and I did as I was told and followed him and his collection of newly purchased buns into the media centre

We set up.

Four sticky buns side by side on the table, my Master behind

"Clubbing, drinking, Spearmint Hippo..."

I put my hand up again

"Its not called Spearmint Hippo sir"

Another withering look. A darker look from Dan, who had indeed just come from Peppermint Rhino and in the light of this I wondered why he did not want to correct the inaccuracy of the talent

"Jeeves"

I waited

"Spearmint Hippo. Its Spearmint Hippo"

"All that glitters is not Gulch sir" I proferred, rather bravely and he carried on

"Neapolitan, two stage jobbie, Apple danish, blueberry danish"

and when he finished went to a corner of the media centre and ate them one by one. Sadly this was not filmed

He returned triumphantly

"Fruit, vegetables,exercise, healthy eating, yoga, macrobiotic yoghurt and tofu indeed Jeeves"

This is what I say to that, and he stuck two fingers in the direction of the Amazon room before going off for his fourteenth latte of the day

[Tal]

As ever, top scribing, Jeeves.

Chances of a Heart Attack Grill appearance video before the journey ends?

[RED-DOG]

tikay on top form, doing what he does best.

Talking bollocks.

[Jeeves]

I am afraid the trip has finished ignominiously, for me at least



I am currently writing at 1am from the McCarran Airport Best Western, awaiting my alarm call for the red eye flight to London via connections at Atlanta, Miami, Dakar, Paris, Amsterdam and Shannon as this is all I can afford

and the day started like any other

"Jeeves, this is the Camel"

I shook the gentleman's hand and offered him a cup of tea from the suite teasmade

"One hump or two sir. A hahahahahhaa"

The Camel looked at me with the disdain of a man used to dealing with Sky Bet, no bets for dromedaries ( however parched ) odds compilers. He shook his head. He had yet to utter a word.

"Jeeves we are going to the baseball this afternoon. Please pack for me, tidy up and print out our boarding passes ready for tomorrow. Will be back this evening for one last trip around the media centre"

"Yes sir" I said as they departed, with me trying to avoid the evil looks of the Camel.

The day passed uneventfully until at 5pm there was a knock at the door

I opened it, and before me stood two members of hotel security

"You haven't checked out and you haven't paid your bill. We need you to leave now"

I prepared my ingrained sense of British indignance and rose to my full height

"We have one more night to stay and I am sure My Master will settle the bill in the morning"

The fiercer of the two security guards began to fondle his truncheon menacingly

The good cop of the duo showed me the reservation. Indeed thenight previous was the last night.

He then showed me a letter from the bank. A card had been declined

I decided to finish packing, and when finished I transported the luggage to the foyer from where I was unceremoniously dumped on the boardwalk where I was soon undergoing a Bored walk waiting for My Master to return

I decided to ring him on his cell

"Hello hello hello Jeeves. Bottom of the sixth here. Great fun. One sec"

I heard a muffled sound as the stadium band appeared to strike up in the distance

soon, I could hear my Master singing

"and its hi-ho silver lining, everywhere you go now bbbbbbbbaaaaaaaaaaab-yyyyy"

I could not hear The Camel. Perhaps he had sensed it was me on the line and had clammed up in disgust

"Back now Jeeves, can't really hear you, back soon. Shot sir. Time for a sacrifice fly with a stolen base attempt off a curveball, Camel would you say?"

I obviously did not have Master's full attention. There was nothing for it but to wait

Wait I did, sitting on the Samsonites, until the taxi pulled up about 90 minutes later

"Jeeves, tomorrow man not today, what ARE you doing?"

I explained. Booking problem, truncheons, credit cards and expulsion

My Master went to reception and came back with the inevitable words

"Jeeves, you are fired"

"but....."

"Jeeves" My Master put his hand up as if to brookie no argumint and sent me on my way with a few hundred dollars to settle my stipend

Hence here I am, Best Western for the evening.

I did not book the Rio suite dates, and the credit card was not mine, yet I am fired.

Such is the lot of a 21st century manservant, in the employ of the eccentric.

Such was the lot, I should say


Goodbye all, a three hour stopover in Dakar awaits.


  

[Tal]