Monday
"Look Jeevie" said one of Mr boltpp's posse "If you are coming out wiv us you need to ditch the tie an' tailz. We're gonna dress ya for da hood"
I looked up from buffing Mr bolt's spare VW Passat badge keyring, wondering what the kindly Ms Jaquinta was referring to when Mr bolt himself burst into the room
"Jeeeeevvv---ooooo, Jeeeeeeevvvv---oooo" he half shouted and half sang.
"We're back from Lakeside, and we have the bling for you old son" and he put several bags down on the floor in front of him
Ms Kelly Carried on "take all that into da bedroomz Jeevie, and come out when ya dun."
I put down my polish and picked up the bags and retired to the ante-chamber. I laid out the items on the bed and nearly fainted
From bottom to top we had
- One pair of Nike trainers
- One pair of Adidas tracksuit bottoms
- White Fred Perry Shirt
- Assorted items of jewellry, including necklaces, ear studs and an ankle chain
- Blue hoodie
- Burberry scarf
- Boston Red Sox Baseball cap.
I looked down at myself, flawlessly attired in my regulation manservant's uniform, loving worn for over thirty years and sighed deeply. What had the profession come to, that the only positions worth availing oneself of these days were amongst the social underclass, amongst new money and dressed in such a manner as would have caused arrest back in the heyday of the Manservant.
I undressed slowly, taking great care in folding my now former clothing into a neat pile for forwarding to my abode across London. I then put mrbolt's newly acquired items on and looked at myself in the mirror. A great depression settled over me, and I left for the living room.
I opened the door and stood in front of my "crew". The roars of laughter shook the tower block to its foundations and caused the fire alarm to go off. The kindly mrbolt too pity on me and stood in front of me, pushed my baseball cap to a jaunty angle, untucked the shirt and loosened the laces. He also tried to pull my trousers half way down my thighs, but I was having none of that
"There Jeevo" he said proudly when he had finished with my deportment "Now we can cruise da hood, is payment day boi"
Unbeknownst to me I had an important role to fulfil on that evening's trip around cluttered stairwells and back street passages. I was to bring up the rear, carrying a portable stereophonic unit and generally looking the part. I was given three CD's to alternate in the equipment "Goldie Looking Chain" "So Solid Crew" and, for the ladies I was told, "Kerry Katona" "
Claire MacGregor" and "Lily Allen".
The evening went slowly. I was not permitted to witness the many transactions that seemed to take place in front of me but they seemed to go off to the satisfaction of all parties.
Transactions concluded the group stopped on the Peckham High Road in a bus stop shelter and chewed the cud for over two hours. I would like to be able to report on the texture of the discussions but sadly most of it passed me by. At one point an elderly gentleman in a
Sky Poker ("expert analysis by those who never go to the doctor, for fishes") top and carrying a Doctor's prescription stopped at the bus stop, asking
"Excuse me but where is the nearest chemist please?"
I recognised the gentleman as my former employer but fortunately I was so incognito that my presence went unnoticed. As he was about to depart mr tikay asked one of the crew why he was playing music so loud on the "box"?
The reply was lucid and more than perfunctory
"instead of moaning about it people go do something useful and i dont care about people playin music on their fones or their boxes and i dnt fink sony walkman dus either!! its the chavs hu go round in groups tryna bully vulnerable people on there own shud piss you off not us and i was this close to kickin the Tooting group of chavs in the head the other day if they hit this gur(fortunately for them they never, becus the Tooting chavs r all mouth) but i bet evry1 of them r muppets wen u c shit happenin dnt stand ther doin nuffin fuckin stamp ur feet down u pussies"
Mr tikay stood there open mouthed, managed a brief "good day to you" and shuffled off down the row of shops, passing a gentleman in a "Loyalty Scheme" T-Shirt shouting at a row of televisions at the front of Argos. All I could catch was
"Bloody British Swimmers! trying your best is not good enough. Win you bunch of losing tossers"
As the evening concluded we took over the top deck of the number 45 bus back to Nelson Mandela Towers and I was asked to prepare a brief snack for my grouping. Their favourite is "Oven Chip Sandwiches" involving Oven Chips, ketchup and Bread, nothing else, and I soon delivered the meal to the assembled throng.
Mid way through the nutritous meal, mrbolt stood in front of his crew and asked for quiet
"I has an announcement to make" he said and beckoned his good lady friend Ashanti to the front with him
I waited for mrbolt to speak but as he hesitated Ashanti spoke up
" Big news. Big! Big! Big! News. Bolty has proposed to me and we are getting married. Yup, you heard right, married! Which is just as well, as not only have I said yes to my man, but we've got reason to tie the knot - I's pregnant again!"
mrbolt looked overjoyed. He is to quote him "well out of touch" with the 7 children he has from 4 previous marriages and can't wait for the chance to do it right this time.
Ashanti carried on
"we've already got the names sorted. If it's a boy it will be Artois after mrbolt's hero, and if its a girl then we've both plumped for Shania. Anyway, I think I must have missed a few pills somewhere because it was anything but planned, but I's not sad now it is happening"
barely pausing for breath she continued
"So I's been mental as you can guess! We's off to get the rings tomorrow at Elizabeth Duke"
Whilst I was of course delighted for my new employer I was simultaneously wondering whether I was up to the onerous task of taking a young baby through its early years, as I last did with mrfloppy over twenty years ago.
As I tried to sleep that night, my feet barely covered by the Burberry quilt cover, I wondered if my employment path was best followed elsewhere.....
Below is a picture of mrbolt, shortly after his happy announcement
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