Joke!!

[lazaroonie]

Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a rucksack and
went up to the Lake District, walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat
on a stone wall and had a flask of coffee. Then I walked another
5 miles and had a biscuit and then I...............

Sorry, I'm rambling...!!

i was driving the other day when i got a call from the boss telling me i'd been promoted. in the excitement i swerved across the road, and just missed a bus coming the other way. later he phoned up again and said 'youve been promoted again', i swerved violently, just missing a lorry. third time he phones me up and says 'you've been made MD', i swerved and crashed into a tree.

the police came and asked me what happened. i said 'i careered off the road'


(c) tommy cooper

[outragous76]

bloke comes home from work and says to wife

"d'youknow, i was chatting with the guys down the pub, and they have heard the postman has shagged all but one of the women in this street"

wife "i bet its that posh bitch from no. 54"

[Claw75]

I went to see the doctor today as I was having hearing problems. She asked me to describe the symptoms so I said "Well, Homer is an idiot and Marge has blue hair"

[MANTIS01]

I went to the doctors today cos I've been feeling a bit down lately. The bloody idiot said I was paranoid. Well that's not what he said but I know what he was thinking.

[bobAlike]

I was with my new girlfriend last night.
We were in bed and she said,
'mine was the biggest cock she'd ever had her hands on..!!'
I said,
'Your pulling my leg.'

[Colchester Kev]

Went to doctors, had a tiny bit of lettuce sticking out of my arse !!!




























Doc says it's the tip of the iceberg

[trafficjam]

Husband says to his wife "you should wash your knickers in Slimfast, it might make your fat arse look slimmer".
The next day when the husband was putting on his pants he notices they are covered in powder and says to his wife "have you put talc in my pants"? "no" she replies "its miracle grow"!

[sofa----king]

A taliban deserter is dying from lack of water in the desert when he comes across a jewish market stall holder selling ties. The taliban says "have you got any water?" The jewish young lad replies, "No... but would you like to buy a tie for £10?"
"effff off" said the taliban "I need water ...I should kill you but I need to drink first!" The jewish young lad  said "I will rise above your bad behaviour and tell you where you can find water. If you walk 4.2 miles west towards the sun you will find a restraunt where they serve ice cold water free of charge." Off the taliban goes, after 5 hours he comes back nearly dead and says to the jewish young lad ... "You nasty git, your brother won't let me in without a tie."
i have edited this slightly not to offend anyone .,.,.,

[Woodsey]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.

What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves to the bees enclosure to collect honey from the South African bees. As soon as he starts, the bees attack him. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion’s cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

This lion wanders up to another lion and says
'What's the food like here?'



The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant.

Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.

[RED-DOG]

I lolled.

[Woodsey]

Three dogs sitting in the waiting room of the veterinary surgeon's got talking.

The first said "I'm here because I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the last straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed, and the vet's gonna cut my nuts off. They reckon it'll calm me down."

The second dog said "Same here. I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, and when I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went too far last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch, and it looks like I'm losing my nuts too".

The third dog said "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away".

The other two dogs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

"No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[The_nun]

LOLOL

[The_nun]

A blond walks into the dry cleaners & drops off her dress, as she is leaving, the owner says, "Come again." she then replies, "No, it was toothpaste this time."

[Woodsey]

A blond walks into the dry cleaners & drops off her dress, as she is leaving, the owner says, "Come again." she then replies, "No, it was toothpaste this time."

I wasn't going to post this but as your heading down a similar line..........

Girl asks her doctor how many calories does cum have? The doctor said "Sweetie if u swallow, no one cares if your fat"

[boldie]

You might think this is a bit weird but I've got one belly button bigger than the other!