Joke!!

[Girgy85]

A 35 year old Pakistani man from Slough has been arrested for punching his wife in the face
Chinda Goodunpropa denies the charge.

[bobAlike]

In honor of Hugo Chavez I've engraved my taps with his initials.

[smashedagain]

Looking to rent an ice cream van to give me a bit of pocket money this summer. Trouble is everyone wants hundreds and thousands.

[KarmaDope]

Click to see full-size image.

[geordieneil]

My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, "100 ways to please your man."

I said, "Don't bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I'll be the happiest bloke ever.

She smiled and said, "Aww, what's that then?"

I said, "Pack your bags and fuck off."

[zerofive]

I just got a text from my mate, who misclick wished me a "happy mother's day" lol

Fortunately, his mom spent the night so I was able to pass the message on.

[Tal]

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

It's not a mainstream number. You wouldn't have heard of it.

[sovietsong]

When U2 last played in Glasgow, Bono started slowly clapping his hands and said "every time I clap my hands, a child dies in Africa..." Someone shouted out "STOP CLAPPING YOUR FUCKING HANDS THEN!!"

[sovietsong]

"Go and have a look at the size of the shit I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.

"No thanks," she replied.

"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it, it's a good two pounder."

Shaking her head in disbelief, she pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."

I said, "It's on the scales."

[bobAlike]

How does the Pope pay for his Internet shopping?

Papal

[bobAlike]

My girlfriend said she wanted to spice up our sex life so I began with cumin on her tits.

[david3103]

Women are like carpets, lay them right first time and you can walk over them for years

[RED-DOG]

Women are like carpets, lay them right first time and you can walk over them for years

Yes, but eventually you get tired of the same old shag pile.

[Tal]

The world is a dangerous place. Only yesterday I walked into Boots and punched someone in the face.

          - Jeremy Lamb

[david3103]

Women are like carpets, lay them right first time and you can walk over them for years

Yes, but eventually you get tired of the same old shag pile.

 

(had to post it here to avoid offering it as advice to Alex in his diary)