In Soviet Russia, fish stack you!
Last night did not go at all to plan. I almost stayed in bed, but I figured I couldn't miss a Friday. The fish are even more terrible than usual on Friday. In fact, this particular Friday was home to a bunch of my favourite kind of fish. No, not Mahi-mahi... I mean the fish that thinks he is a pro; henceforth known as Protard. Protard has three settings: getting it in almost dead and winning, "yeah mate, I'm just gambling 'cause I normally play higher stakes/omaha/online"; getting it in on the good end of a cooler, "I knew you had that, what else could you have? I played it well"; and getting it in and not binking a miracle, "you play so bad, I'm going to have a childish moan, the sort of which is so borderline tantrum that everyone else at the table is going to feel awkward and almost embarrassed for me."
This table was the second table to open up, and we were playing six handed for a while. I was in position to whom I will consider the best player at the table, and out of position to all the freshwater inhabitants, so not the ideal table setup but I was winning a few small pots nonetheless. Then I find the
and open her up in a straddled pot for £7.50, the player to my immediate left who practically masturbates when he finds any pair 3bet shoves for £40~, then Protard cold calls. I move all-in for an effective stack of £130 and Protard calls again. The board runs out a ton of bricks, and after ejaculating a little, the other player in the pot shows
and is awarded the pot. But Protard is such a pro that he didn't realise we'd generated a £180 side pot and slowrolls the
for a rivered pair of queens. It is at this point that he realises that a pair of queens is actually superior to a pair of eights, and he scoops. Thoroughly deserved. One hopes he puts my money towards getting
a lot of cosmetic facial surgery.
A seat became available on the next table and I snap sat down. Admittedly there were plenty of decent players on this table (Chris, Tim, Tony, PeeJay) but there was also some top-heavy, surfer looking guy whose sexuality I still question, despite the fact that what I thought was his beard resiliently claims to be his girlfriend. He is my favourite fish to play with ever. He doesn't moan when he loses (which is not as frequently as it should be), he spends a long time incorrectly justifying his play when he gets there, he always sits with the max, and he is clueless. For this man alone, it was worth sitting in the minefield of a lineup. I only managed to score £80 of him though, when I raised pre with
and three-barreled on
and got a fold. I distributed this money to Tim Chung, who triple range merged me again. Probably going to have to stop calling that man off so light. I hope he's reading this so I can immediately regain balance...
After we stacked all the fish, I moved back over to the other table where there was a handful of new faces, including a very loud drunk man who had a reply for everything - henceforth known as Re: tard. He opens to £8 and the whole table calls to me in the cutoff where I find
. The flop comes
, Re: tard moves all-in for his last £12, Tony calls, I'd had a trying evening so I decided to compound all my mistakes in one go and balloon the pot with a raise to £50. Tony calls again. The turn is the
which we check/check. Don't ask me to explain that - can't. River was the
and Tony snap bets £60. I waste everyone's time for a bit, before lying about my hand and saying I had two pair and then folding. Tony shows
, and Re: tard goes off on a tantrum at him after tabling his
and losing a small, feeble amount of money. "He donked it," he muttered as he was walking away. Great entertainment.
Shortly before I went broke, Tony was nice enough to apologise for all the quips about my diary by buying me the last supper, after he got out of a pretty sick hole. I have agreed to repay the favour if I ever get stuck and get out of it, but I don't think Tony realises I'm freerolling this agreement, because I'm "so f*cking bad" and when I get stuck I get stuck good. Case and point: lost £420 last night. That brings my winning streak of 12 sessions to a close. I hope to break that within the next 13 sessions. Poker's fun.
Winning £10.20/hr this month. Just as long as I don't tell you how
many few hours I've actually done, this sounds reasonable. This is the Dull-as-Dishwater Degenerate signing out and seeing what that weird noise coming from downstairs is. Peace.
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