The Coup
As Novice entered the breakfast room he noticed Tikay had company.
" Morning Novice" said Tikay. " I thought some reinforcements were needed so I got Red Dog and Milligan to help out."
Whilst Novice took out a pack of cards and started to practice shuffling them Tikay informed them of the days plan.
" Novice and I will continue to follow 3G round giving him encouragement." At this point he handed Red and Milly a map each of the course. "What I want you boys to do is this. On each hole I have marked the 2 most likely spots that 3G may hit it into the trees. They are marked A and B. Red you take the A's and Milly the B's. Don't look for anyone else's ball. Here's a walkie talkie each so that we can communicate. If 3G can just make the cut then I am sure we will then be able to green out."
Green out had become Tikay's favourite expression. He didn't fully understand it. He barely even partially understood it. But he did know it was good, as all the BSD's ( Big Swinging Dicks ) in the betting world liked to do it.
As they all rose to get ready to leave Tikay offered some final advice, " Remember this phrase today and we will do alright - We are not at home to Mr Cock up ."
Arriving at the golf course Tikay, wearing his Fedora, scarf, and swinging his walking stick, accompanied by Novice made his way to the 1st tee where 3G was having a practice swing.
" Oh Jesus ! " he exclaimed to his caddy Hergé " It's them again . I hoped that yesterday was a one off."
Hergé contemplated the pair for a moment. " You know who they remind me of- Gandalf and Frodo."
3G laughingly responded. " More like Gandalf and Gollum"
As they followed the 3 ball round Tikay and Novice discussed their various betting positions. When it came to the euro grannies Novice told Tikay of an interesting communication with them.
" Perusing their website I ended up in a live text convo with them. It turns out that one of them is really keen on poker and I told them of your involvement with Sky etc. She even followed you on last weekends live Tighty up date, saw your photo and everything. She wants to come over for a date with you."
Tikay stopped dead in his tracks and slowly stared at Novice. " Please tell me it's not the one with only 1 hand !" The silence and the downcast eyes told Tikay all he needed to know.
3G had another mediocre round but reaching the 17th hole he was level par and on the cut off mark. 2 more pars would see him safely through to the weekend. A strange sensation then started in Tikay's stomach. With barely enough time to remove his trousers Tikay dived into the nearest bush. A weeks worth of eggs and pineapple came flooding out. As 3G started his backswing a monstrous fart erupted . In latter years when the story was told people claimed to have heard it as far away as the 15th green. A pungent eggy odour enveloped the gallery. It was so thick it seemed to stick to peoples clothes.
With this distraction it was amazing 3G even managed to connect with the ball, but he did and it ended up in a huge slice. With the ball heading for the trees the crowd " ooohed". Hearing the noise Tikay stuck his Fedoraed head out of the bush to see the ball treebound. As luck would have it heading exactly towards where he had positioned Red Dog. Seizing the walkie talkie he opened communications.
" Tikay to Red Dog do you read me?"
" Loud and clear Tikay"
" Can you see it?"
" Yes. It's in a tree about 15 feet away"
"Is it playable?"
" What do you mean?"
" Will he be able to hit the ball?"
" Oh I thought you were talking about the cuckoo. I heard it a little while ago so Milly and I thought we would try and get a picture of it. They are very rare nowadays.
" He's with you! So there is no one looking for the ball. Sodding brilliant. Get your arses back and find that ball "
" But Milly's never seen one before"
"Shall I tell you something else Milly's never seen before?" Tikay screamed. " You with a four iron sticking out your arse!"
Ignoring the last remark Red Dog noticed something even better than a Cuckoo, nestling in the undergrowth, a rusty old wheelbarrow along with a couple of lawnmowers.
" Wow" exclaimed Red Dog. " That's some great scrap. Milly go and get your car we better load it up right away. If we add it to your redundant multi-gym I reckon we will clear £20. Not too shabby for a mornings work."
With 3G's ball lost in the trees and him about to miss the cut his odds were rising rapidly on all the betting sites.
" Green out. Green out." Tikay yelled to Novice.
"There's no Green to out " he replied. " I can give you some Red out if you like. There's a shit load of that. "
" Unbelievable" said Tikay. " Destitution is knocking at my door and I am inside taking tea with Mr Cockup."
Novice then noticed something, the odds on Betfair hadn't altered. They must have a communication glitch and not know Colsaerts's ball was lost.
"Tikay. We can lay Colsaerts on Betfair for a huge amount and get out of this, maybe even make a small profit."
" Brilliant. Do it"
" OK. What's the password to the Betfair account?"
" Novice I've got 162 betting accounts I can't remember their passwords. That's your job."
" I know all the main ones " Novice replied " But the ones we don't use much are on post-it-notes on my PC ."
" Oh Christ" said Tikay " We will have to try them all. I'll shout them out and you enter them. Flying Scotsman, pineapple, grinning, kray twins, Isle of Skye, DTD the nuts, St Pancras.......................... hang on I've got it. It's I poker are bastards."
" Nooooooooooooooo" exclaimed Novice, " Betfair are up to date, the price has gone. There's nothing we can do now. We have lost the lot."
" Get Bad Beat on the line" Tikay said to Novice, " Tell him I am going to need another dog pronto. I am going to have to phone Dubai and tell that he is going to have to walk around his house barefoot."
It was a very subdued car that left Wentworth that afternoon.There was nothing left to talk about. But in truth the pair had plenty on their minds. Novice couldn't help but wonder if the dealers at DTD got first dibs on the stunning valets, and Tikay couldn't get one particular thought off his mind - had she lost the hand that she used to give hand jobs with?
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