how?
Well first you need to drive to Wales during the mother of all rain storms to tow a second hand camper van home. When you arrive, the camper van needs to be standing in so much water that you really should be using an aqualung when you attach the towing frame.
Next, you need to get stuck in a traffic jam for seven hours, freezing to death but unable to run the engine to power the van heater because you are almost out of diesel.
When you finally do get home, you need to be several hours late for an evening meeting in Birmingham. This meeting needs to be an important pre- meeting meeting designed to bring you up to speed on the issues that are likely to be raised at tomorrow's meeting.
You also need to have missed joining your wife at the hotel for a nice sit down dinner which has been laid on at someone else's expense. However. you shouldn't know that you've missed it. That way you can get showered, changed and rush to Birmingham at a speed that would make Chuck Yeager jealous just so that you can watch the waiter clearing away the plates.
Oh, I nearly forgot. While rushing to park the car in the hotel car park, you need to leave your mobile phone on the drivers seat, notice it at the last moment, bend down quickly to retrieve it and split your head open on the corner of the car door. Then it's best if, in the darkness, you assume that the blood running down your face like a river is just rain water. That way you can scare the crap out of the hotel receptionist, causing her to hide behind the desk until security arrives.
Note- Try to make sure that the security bloke fixes you up with a giant comedy bandage, including a cotton wool pad the size of a pillow.
Next, cold, tired and hungry, you need to retire to your hotel room with your long suffering missus.
The TV in the room needs to be capable of receiving 63 foreign-language channels, and one English one.
The precise moment that you realise there is only one English channel should coincide exactly with the start of a new period drama that is total and utter pap. Your wife should say "Ooh, this looks good, and you should agree to watch it only because you no longer have enough energy to slit your wrists.
Your wife should chatter incessantly throughout the programme. "Isn't he handsome? Isn't that girl's frock beautiful?" You should be so appalled by the onslaught of mindless drivel disguised as a plot that you are only capable of replying with monosyllabic grunts.
With luck, the programme will finish before your frontal lobes atrophy through lack of stimulation. Your wife will clasp her hands together with a sigh and say, "Wasn't that wonderful? It's ages since we've watched TV together and had a really good talk like that..... You're such an old romantic".
"I'll Sky+ it when we get home, then we can watch the whole series together.... "
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