Vagueness and the Aftermath - A sporadic diary

[kinboshi]

"Why the long face?" Ralph asked the horse when he came to visit.

[Colchester Kev]

"Why the long face Ralph?"  asked the horse when he came to visit.

FYP

[booder]

Ralph (to horse on the right)  " There is a Whiskey named after you"
Horse                                   " What, Eric?"

[sovietsong]

If you were a celebrity, would you, for a fee, advertise or endorse something you didn't really believe in? You know the sort of thing, slimming aids, life insurance etc.

 

I would do pretty much anything for money, however i would draw the line at tricking elderly or people with no idea of finance into getting a loan at 30% APR like Carol Vorderman.

[Karabiner]

I offered Tom a polo but he said that he didn't want to spoil his appetite.

I had a lovely afternoon in the tranquil countryside with horses which needed a little coaching in the art of quaffing polos, although they caught on fast, and my favourite little dog Kizzy, who ran rings around me as a form of greeting when I arrived (bone sensor obv. working) followed by tea and sympathy from the girls and wisdom received.

[Digger]

I had very much enjoyed hunting with my first ferret “Thin Lizzie” but our partnership came to an untimely end when she died as the result of a rat bite. After a brief but respectable period of mourning, I was keen to replace her as soon as possible. With this in mind, I started perusing the animals and pets section of the “The Star” Sheffield’s local newspaper, copies of which were freely available to anyone who could run very fast.

After a few days worth of diligent browsing, my eyes lit upon this advertisement.

Ferret. Large albino hob. Excellent worker. Not suitable as pet. Free to good home.

To cut al long story short, I went to Rotherham on my bike with my ferret box strapped to the carrier. My cousin Billy Smooth came along for the ride.

The bloke who owned the ferret seemed very keen to part with it. “Ah can tell you lad’s will look after ‘im” he said, “Now dun’t get ‘im near thee face will tha?” And with that, he quickly popped something into the ferret box and went back indoors.

“He’s half mine you know” Said Billy as we rode home, “You heard what he said, he gave him to both of us”

When we got home, I lifted the lid of the ferret box to get a first real look at “Our” ferret. The thing that I saw looked like a lavatory brush and sounded like a well-shaken bottle of Coke with a puncture. This was one angry ferret. Before I could stop him, Billy Smooth put his hand into the box. When he took it out again, the ferret was firmly attached to the fleshy part between his thumb and forefinger.

After a few minutes, he seemed to realise that running back and forth whilst screaming and windmilling his arm as I chased after him wasn’t really working, and instead he stood still, screwed his eyes tightly shut, and held the ferret out towards me. I did eventually manage to ”Pinch it off” by pressing it’s lips against its teeth until it was forced to let go.

After an hour or so, the ferret had calmed down. I assumed that the ride back from Rotherham in the ferret box had upset it, but I was wrong, this ferret was a psychopath.

I came to this realisation the following day when, after watching me handle “Tin ribs” several times without incident, Billy Smooth decided he would like to have another go. He picked the ferret up again, somewhat cautiously at first, but with increasing confidence. Within 10 minutes or so, he was cradling it in his arms like a baby.

Suddenly, and without provocation of any kind, the ferret went all lavatory brush and Coke bottle again and it sank its needle sharp teeth into the nearest piece of flesh. Unfortunately, this happened to be Billy’s right nipple. This time I could do nothing to help; I was transfixed by the spectacle before me.

First of all Billy let out an ear splitting, siren like wail. It was the sort of sound you could only make if you were in terrible pain, or you had won the lottery. “Woooo!  Wooo hooo hooo!” 

Billy grabbed the ferret with both hands and started to pull, howling all the time “Woooo Hooooo!!”  The ferret seemed to stretch to an impossible length, and so did Billy’s tit. Something had to give, and it did.

The ferret didn’t let go, but it’s sharp teeth tore right through Billy’s skin and it came free with a definite twanging sound. Billy quickly lifted up his jersey to survey the damage. He continued to howl, but he stopped every now and then to blow gently on his lacerated nipple. The ferret meanwhile, although perhaps an inch or two longer, seemed to be none the worse for the incident and appeared to have forgotten all about it.

I looked at Billy, his lips pursed, still blowing on his tit. I knew It would be a long time before he forgot, and I suspected his enthusiasm for ferret ownership was waning. 

Just had a catch up .......'Billy Smoth & Tin Ribs The Ferret' .....One of the funniest short stories I have ever had the pleasure of reading ......thank you Red! 

 

[RED-DOG]

OMG!!





I've finally done it........





I'm going........





I'm really going.......

[Wardonkey]

Don't let Tikay drive...

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/T5TBS1UOThQ&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/T5TBS1UOThQ&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

[Wardonkey]

Hmm, first attempt at embeded video goes horribly wrong.

[Colchester Kev]

Tom, you will absolutely hate the plastic cheap tackiness, hate the falseness of every single person you will meet.


But you will love the poker.


Enjoy it!!

[Wardonkey]

Still can't do it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5TBS1UOThQ

Sigh, I need tech advice from Tom!

[Eck]

Still can't do it.



Sigh, I need tech advice from Tom!

[Wardonkey]

Ty Eck, for the magicness.

[Ginger]

click the You Tube button, then insert the URL of the page (in the address bar, not the embedded thingy.)

[Ginger]

Oops, didn't see Ecks post.