blonde poker forum

Well can my life get any worse well yes it can..


18 months ago i lost my brother to cancer, that was after going through a horrible divorce,  i was always in court fighting for the right to see my boys(was actually in court the day before i got remarried to argue that they should be allowed to come to my wedding) or on a trumped up assault charge(found guilty then got the decision overturned on appeal) or dealing with the CSA with tribunals appeals etc,then i had just managed to get over the loss of my brother when i got hit with a virus which has given me (reactive arthritis) that really knocked the stuffing out of me for a year.now I'm on the steroids and all seems to be turning for the better at least I'm not in daily pain.


Then on Friday i received a phone call from my ex as she has to go into hospital on Monday to see a cancer specialist and could i look after the boys on the Monday sure no probs says me.Then i received a call from her saying that she has breast cancer and has to have an op next Monday to remove them, probably followed up with chemo,well that really has knocked me for 6 as the thought of my boys possibly living without their mum is just abhorrent,as much as i utterly detest the women for all she has put me through i know look upon her with sympathy and am now offering her encouragement and support as i am sure things will only get tougher for her along the way,now I'm thinking what happens if she goes?
 
 Do i then take the boys out of their school and replace them where i live now,but what do i do with Thomas (he's autistic)and at 1 of the best schools for autistic children in surrey,or do i move over to where they live to accommodate them from not having to move schools,which in turn would mean me  living separately from the Mrs either way would not be ideal,immediate implications are that i will have the boys more often as she recovers from treatment which has the knock on of reduced income which in itself has its problems.
reading the paper on the way to work this morning an an article said over 12,000 women die each year from breast cancer,which really didn't help my state of mind but them are the facts..
 
am looking for advice but don't know what for
 

Can't offer advise, all I can say is I'm sorry to hear that. Best of luck, stay strong and I'm sure that, if the worst comes to the worst (and the breast cancer survival rate is very high mate..80%'ish so the odds are in her favour), you'll do the right thing for your kids and sort something out.

sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, but just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, and I hope things work themselves out xxx

thanks

just had youngest on the phone crying his eyes out saying saying "uncle gary had cancer but he died,I dont want mummy to die"

 god thats tough

Not much to add, other than she's in the best possible hands so she has the best possible chance.

Hope it all comes good.

Breast cancer actually has a good survival rate now but I can understand you focusing on the negative side of things. There is financial help possibly available for those suffering financially from cancer, it may not be much but all the hospital parking costs etc all add up so i recommend you investigate it if you need to. I think the Macmillan site might have information.

On the personal side try not to look to far into the future but deal with matters on a day to day basis otherwise the enormity of what might happen can be just too overwhelming for you to deal with the everyday stuff you need to. Do get your 'home team' sorted though - talking to friends and family who can help out on the practical side such as picking up kids etc is good to get sorted now just in case. They are your invaluable resource who will help make this experience/situation as easy as it can be.

And remember that the Blonde family is here to help too.....if only with a listening ear. xx
 

Cia, can only echo dings post.

The recovery rate is really very good - information for the win

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/About_Us/Our_organisation/Information_for_everyone.aspx

Personal advice would be if the kids are old enough is not to keep anything from them, be honest and give the chance to digest all the information you receive.  As usual they will amaze you how resilient they can be.

It will be a long hard fight, but one that is ultimately winable, keep your chin up mate.

Best wishes Cia.  Spot on advice, seek the information as it will help.

Best wishes Ian. Thoughts are with you and your family.

Dave

Hi Ian, so sorry to hear what's happening. Thoughts are with you and your family.  xx

+1

+1

I hate these kind of posts on blonde, not because i dont think they should be posted, or because i dont care ... they just make me feel uncomfortable because i never know what to say ... and then when i dont post, i feel guilty because i dont want the OP to think i dont give a shit.

I do read every post on blonde ... (apart from and Indy self promotion threads) ;) .. but please dont think that because i dont post i dont care.


I hope that makes some sort of sense.

No worries Kev your not alone there m8

and thx to all for yr words of advice cheers :)up
 

Boys are all good with it at the mo so makes life easier

sometimes even under extremes their resilience shines through...

+1

Sounds rough, easy to say but hope it all works out. Take care.  ;)

+ 1

Support here as and when you need it, pm sent.

xx

omg this is serious,the ex wife has to have 2 lumps removed,masectomy,chemo and radio as it has got into the lymph glands as well,have got to meet with her tomorrow to sort out care for the boys but looks most likely i'll have to move into her house(she'll stay with parents) until she is well enough to cope,
which means ill be living in surrey from sun nites til friday then come back home with them at weekends,

wow me a full time parent again thats so scary but not as scary as what she wil be going through,

Best of luck to her and yourself mate.

Just take it one day at a time and do what you have to do. No one can do more than that.

gd luck hope it all goes well

good luck mate.,.it is nice that you express your feelings with blonde members.,.,hope all works out.,..,

top advice - best of luck - thinking of you xx

I wish all of you the best of luck Ian and my thoughts are with you and your family xx

Like Kev said its hard to know what to say.

Stay strong for the kids and I hope she pulls through. We are all here for support x

Well the mrs and I took the boys home last night  and was met my her,her mum and sister and the boys,bearing in mind the last time i was in the same room with all of them was when i got found guilty of assaulting her,how wierd was that in it self? But circumstance dictates that we put all that behind us and focus on the future.The boys didnt really open up about it too much and my concern is that they bottle it all up which would be counter productive.

The bottom line is she is going in sooner rather than later for the operations and she is also having reconstructive surgery at the same time which involves taking skin from different areas of the body for the reconstruction.So i now have a no brainer in caring for the boys which basically means if i dont do it then the only alternative will be care and over my dead body would that ever happen.But how strange will it be having to cook/clean/school runs and continue to try to work full time or as much as possible all the things that are taken for granted,how will we all cope who knows?? only time will tell but obviously extra pressures will develop and we are entering into unknown territory oh and they have a dog and cat as well to look after,

one thing that was a bit of an issue is the wife and I have booked a holiday for the 1st october to go to cyprus for a week 1 for my 40th and 2 to assist me in my recovery and to tell the truth am not quite sure how that 1 will pan out but the wife is insistant that we go on it,as she says if i was to relapse then we all would suffer but are we being selfish on this? the hurdle on this being who cares for  my youngest while were away, is this something that i should be pushing for her side of the family to cover??? or should i accept that i probably wont be able to go?

Also what do i do when i am looking after them full time do i then drop the maintenance payments to her or continue? this is something i havent approached yet and am inclined to keep the status the same for now

To tell the truth i am quite numb by it all as even though she is my worst enemy i wouldnt wish this on her or the kids.


Its like this on all threads some we respond to some we dont

What's a holiday compaired to this?

Hopefully, missing a holiday will be the least of your worries.


Sorry. You did ask for opinions, and that's mine.

I think you should review it nearer the time - all carers need respite help sometimes to have a break - hopefully you are insured so if you have to cancel you might be covered financially.

This is all so new you can't know what will have happened by then, don't try and make decisions for October when you don't know how next week will pan out yet.

Good luck Ian. xx

That's a much better way of putting it Trace.

If, when the time comes, you are free to go, then of course you should go.

Agreed

reading back maybe i am being a bit selfish thinking of myself

 like you said Tom what is a holiday in comparrison

to tell the truth my head is all over the place at the mo

Well reading back, perhaps I was a bit insensitive with my comments. It's easy for me to talk, but I just don't want you to have room for regrets further down the line.

I really hope everything works out for you. 

Tom - I think you are probably the most qualified person on this forum to give advice in this area. You posting on this thread only confirms (not that it were needed) your generosity of spirit. Reading and posting here must always take you back to something that will always be painful for you. I love you for it. xx

i think the crux of some problems on threads/forums are that they can never tell the whole picture and they can often be responded to without the OP feelings and circumstances taken into account but not in a derogitory fashion,what 1 person reads into something another person wont, leaving it open to misinterpretation.

This is a horribly tragic situation. 

Reading through it over the last few days, I've not felt qualified to comment.

But through all the pain and fear, I keep on seeing a few lights shining through. 

Your ex is getting immediate, and thorough treatment.  Hopefully that will maximise her chances of survival, and ultimately recovery.

Your kids have obviously got a fantastic dad who will immediately drop everything to be with them when they need him.

You are building bridges with the relationship with your ex.  Hopefully when this all settles down, the old hatred will have disappeared, which has got to be better for the kids.

Besides that you will need to make sure you give as much support to your new partner as possible.  I'm sure she understands, and is supporting you at this time, but she will need affirmation from you as well.

About the kids bottling it up.  They will.  It's what kids do.  All you can do is talk to them, try not to lie to them.  Don't make promises you can't keep.   And encourage them to speak to you, as and when they feel able.

The holiday ?  There will be loads of potential answers to that.  As mantioned already, decisions can be made in plenty of time.  But a couple of ideas to be going on with.  Can the kids go with you ?   Can you claim on the insurance and rearrange another holiday to include the kids ?  Will your ex's family be willing and able to help ?

I understand you are suffering hugely at the moment.   But I'm sure you have the strength to do what's necessary.  You seem to be handling everthing fantastically well so far.

cheers for that   as always it is appreciated

The operation is going to be in the next 2-3 weeks and i've been thinking of saying to my ex that she should try and do loads of stuff with the kids before the op while she  can  as who knows how long it will b4 she will be fit again.Normal stuff like playing tennis,baseball walks bike rides etc but would this be a bit insensitive or hit a raw nerve?

My youngest has been getting very anxious about the impending changes in his routine especially as he is starting high school in september so it looks like he could well be full flight by the time the changeover comes,still he'll keep me on my toes for a bit,but personally I cant wait to be able to do everyday stuff with them both again,rather than crammming it all into a weekend every other week

All the energetic stuff may not be the best idea, but I'd have thought doing some thing nice may be lovely to provide a distraction for a few hours.

Hope the op goes well :)

graham is right, keep them positive and updated as much is appropriate but don't make too much of a big deal out of events. don't want to say too much more but trust me kids are far more receptive to honesty and truth than they are to pampering, and not sure she would be too impressed.

Can you not take the chlidren with you on holiday. By then your ex will be needing rest too and it will give you chance to give the kids a bot of a breather.

well its looks like the op will be sooner rather than later probably next thursday so it'll be action stations from then..

this is going to be some roller coaster............

Good luck

To her, yourself, and all your family ( and to her family as well, )

God I'm bricking it big time,
have just been given a list of things that have to be done like packing Thomas' case clothes,washing,meals,dog walks,bedtimes,when to pack PE stuff,sandwiches, afterschool clubs, the list goes on,

now these are the things that MUMS do so well,  now i have to do so it looks like ill have about 300 'post its' stuck all over the place for reminders,after a couple of weeks I'm sure it will all fall into place but until then the thought of it is worrying me something else

It doesn't help things when her family are not willing to help with anything like dropping Thomas at school and picking him up afterwards as was initially said would happen,Its like we'll do what we can to help her but not you!! well that's what it seems like to me maybe I'm just over reacting or is just nerves I really dunno...

You'll do fine, just enjoy it and it will go smoothly.  The kids will tell you when you do something wrong anyway ;)

good luck xx

Good luck - savour the time you have with the kids, do a great job and be proud of what you achieve. Shame on those who bring family politics in and affect the kids in the process by not helping out.

+1

Not sure how I missed this thread, but will be thinking of the lot of you. 

One thing I will say - don't give the kids false information or guess work.  Know the facts before you give an answer or be honest and say you don't know, but will find out. 

+1

Try not to think in terms of your ex's family as playing sides.  It'll lead to resentment on your part, especially once the stress really kicks in. 

Offer them the opportunity to spend more time with the kids, after all it's for their benefit as well.  And if they don't want to take you up on your kind offer, that's their loss.

( But I'd also maybe have a quick word with your ex (( especially if your relationship has got any better )).  She might not like the idea of seeing her kids used as pawns, just to get at you. )

looks like this aint gonna be easy...
 went over earlier to go through some things,suggested my mum comes over to stay and help, did not go down at all well, ended with ex running off crying fk my life...

where as i thought i'd get my mum to help looks like i'll be on my own as ex hates my mum and wont have her staying in her house!!

She is most likley totaly stressed out with all she is facing, thus not thinkin straight. Maybe if your mum tried to have a gentle chat with her just to put her at ease and reasure her that it is best for the kids having a little extra help around at this awful time in thier lives when they too will also be so unsure as to what is exactly occuring. So many people to think of, so many varied emotions.

unfortunately there is no middle ground there she hates my mum with a vengence,already had her sister on the fone to get me to confirm my mum wont be going over there..

Happy birthday Charlie    :)up

I have just heard that the ex is going in for her op on the 10Th of September, which is a bit of a blessing at least the boys will be back in school full time by then which should make the transition easier for them.

Are you and her talking any better nowadays ?

I wondered if, as she doesn't want your mum helping, maybe she could have a word with her mum, saying it's for her own peace of mind, not as a way of helping you.  ( does that make sense or are there too many 'her's in there ? )

Keep your pecker up. 

good advice    ;whistle;

her her her its all about her lol, the conversations are kept to a minimum but there is some

As it stands at the mo HER mum will be helping out by collecting my youngest from school on Thursdays and Fridays,taking the boys back to her house then i have to collect them later,and as she says they will be helping her out while she recovers,it would just be a lot simpler if my mum was allowed to help that way the boys have an organised routine every day,but that isn't going to happen FACT,so i have to make do with how it is,without sounding negative.

other bit of bad  news is she doesn't have sky wtf????

Great article in the times today about a very similar situation and the way the carer and person with cancer were thinking. I really recommend you read it. If you can't find it on line I've kept it so I can post it to you. PM me if you want to.

Tracey

Thanks Tracey,I did find it and if anyone else wants to read you can find it here:

   http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article4620358.ece (http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article4620358.ece)

was this the entire article?

Having helped my brother through the entire length of his illness i am fortunate or unfortunately aware of the stresses put on family life throughout the course of the illness,as there were quite a few family issues within his household to which i found myself advising/guiding them all how best to cope with it.personally i think its easier,when your not in the immiediate family ie: the family home to be able to suggest certain things as it appears that you are not taking sides or biased in anyway.

But i am not in the family home and have dont really have any body that could fill the role,this is partly due to the way my ex wife is,without pouring too much scorn on her she really is a vicious,spiteful women when it comes to me and my family,beleive me when we were together we even went to relate and came out arguing and feeling worse than when we went in,again it was down to my family.(it stems from our upbringing she was from a well off middle class family and i was from the working class council estate and the differences were huge and eventually led indirectly to our splitting,now I could tell you all the things i had to put up with but to tell the truth I really cant be arsed with that side.

I just want to do whats right for my boys but feel handcuffed to a certain degree.

well it looks like my marriage is going to be a bit rocky for a while as my wife is finding all this very hard to cope with,she understands fully my position but is just uncertain how she will cope with it all.Like she said how far can she go before breaking? something which she cant do as she has to look after her girls FK FK FK.

Also due to previous non-molestation and occupation orders put on me I am thinking of having a contract drawn up between me and the ex just to safeguard myself should something blow up...

well the holiday to cyprus is now off!!!! hey ho

just not the right time to leave the boys at the end of the day

pitty that mate you could have watched me swimming around,.,.,.,,.ah forget that.,.,lol
hope all works out for you mate.,.,.,.,.,.,

just think i could have raced ya.,.,.,.,., would have kicked yr ass too


cheers m8

Hey Ho ? All your posts on this thread seem to go the same way..'feel sorry for me'. Your ex wife or 'her' your children's mother has cancer. Stop moaning about past history, present day rifts holidays, money, your health, getting contracts written,  and just get on with looking after your children and put youself and your own needs at the bottom of the list.  Your a parent and that's your job.  The day you decided to become a dad was the day you decided that your children came first..regardless . Im sure that if your present wife is a good woman she will support you....even if it means her getting a second job cleaning toilets and eating beans on toast for the foreseeable future. 

Interesting view. I do think at some point we all need a vent to let some of the downsides of life out. My guess is that this is CIA's and therefore the posts may follow a certain style. My own thread of course is one that screams "LOOK AT ME I AM WONDERFUL COS I AM LOSING WEIGHT" and I think the wonderful thing about this forum is that if you feel the need you can feel sorry for yourself in print and get support and if necessary a kick up the bottom. Both can be effective contributions.

I suppose you really would have to know all the facts that exist between us to fully understand my position.

But you have your opinion and you are fully entitled to it.

Yes i agree that this is pretty much a negative thread and yes i do feel sorry for myself even slightly depressed about the situation, but then it is a bit of a negative situation,and this is just my way of writing things down as i see it.

but on the other hand 1 thing i think you are not thinking about in your reply is what if I was to relapse then where would that leave my boys with no Mum OR Dad to look after them.

Right it all starts tomorrow and although am nervous as hell i really cant wait for it to start apparently the 1st meal is spag bol how easy is that?

,have just wished my ex all the best,and i can tell that she is as nervous as anything which is understandable but have told her i'll do my best to make sure the boys are well looked after.

and also the boys go to bed a lot ealrlier when they are in their house lol bet they dont when i'm there, but then i think i should keep as much as normal routine as poss.. we'll see ..........

Deep breath.............

And begin.

I'm absolutely sure you're going to have to do a lot of 'venting' over the weeks.  Just rant away as much as you need.  If you feel the need to do it away from the public forum, feel free to pm with as much crap as necessary.

I, for one, was hoping that things between you and the ex would improve a tad more than it seems they have.  So if possible you're going to have to prioritise ( ? ) 1) Kids 2) New Mrs 3) You.

No matter how much things are getting on top of you, you'll be no good to anyone if you don't give yourself at least a few hours a week.

Like you say, try to keep the kids routine as samey as possible.  Remember to tell the Mrs that you do love her ( A well timed hug is worth a few thousand bonus points ). 

And GL to you, above all.

Thx to all  :)up

what a great start it's going to be 2night i get to take Charlie to Judo something which i have never had the chance top do b4 and after a trip to asda to get all the Man essentials...............

Enjoy every moment and get them to bed at the right time, keep to routines as much as possible, normality is comfortable. Good luck xx

well the 1st day is done and dusted no major probs was "wicked" as the youths say!!!!

but i take my hat off to all the mums out there there is just soooo much to do and think about didnt stop til just gone 9 last night

 but the real test is today when i have both of them to sort out am absolutely cream crackered eyes drooping now

spag bol was spot on and none left although i did drop half the spagetti om the floor when i pulled it out of the cupboard the wrong way but the mad dog ate it raw and hard wtf???

fajittas 2nite wooohoooo

and as we speak my ex is in the operating room and it's a 12 hour op wow

And my new name is



Mrs Doubtfire

Photo pls.

Yep...must have photos. 

yr just kinky!

I'm picturing John Travalta in Hairspray

wow this is seriously hard work how knackering? its non stop from the minute i get up.I take my hat off to all the single mums out there well done to all of you  ;tightend;  ;hattip; its just constant ironng,coking cleaning washing,checking homework,walking the dog descaling the iron washing the ironing board cover (god I'm anal) etc etc you dont get any respite.even harder when yr not used to it and you dont know where everything is.and i thought it would be a breeze havent had the time to do anything meaningful yet with the boys,but am sure as time goes by all will become easier.
 2 nite is the earliest i have finished 8.30 normally has been 9 and i have to go to work as well after dropping thomas off then be back to collect him and i forgot to give him him his medication last night and this morning so he was well wired when i picked him up ooopps wont be making that mistake again,also didnt help with my train delayed by half an hour grrrr

.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz am yawning my head off here lol


i will be here probably for about 8 weeks for the 1st stint then as and when her chemo/radio therapy starts.

am taking the boys up to see her tomorrow afternoon,spoke to her earlier and the op went really well but she sounded well out of it on the morphine,i got the boys to make her some cards and cut passport pictures onto it with speech bubbles to make it a bit more appealing.


Its not until you expeirience something like this you really do appreciate what they do for the kids so wp gg

Sounds like you're doing a great job of keeping up.  Running a home and looking after children is time consuming.  You have to prioritise to make maximum use of that time.  Here's a wee tip.  Things like washing the ironing board cover are just not necessary and a waste of that precious time...unless you've caught up on everything else and have nothing left to do.  Then (and only then) can you do silly things like washing ironing board covers.     rotflmfao

I have a wee poem hanging in my kitchen.  It was given to me by a friend back when I'd first given up trying to be super housewife and was feeling a bit down about the state of the place.  Opened me eyes a wee bit and it might help you get along too.


Excuse This House

Some houses try to hide the fact that children shelter there.
Ours boasts of it quite openly, the signs are everywhere.
For Smears are on the windows, little smudges on the doors;
I should apologise, I guess, for toys strewn on the floor.

But I sat down with the children and we played and laughed and read;
And if the doorbell doesn't shine, their eyes will shine instead.
For when at times I'm forced to choose the one job or the other
I want to have a tidy house, but first I am a mother.

what a tops poem

but when i ironed there white school shirts they needed washing again so more time taken/wasted lol grrrr and to make matters worse hve lost me fone yesterday grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr back home later for a well needed rest lol

Boring women have tidy houses imo.  ;D ::)

That's almost an invitation for Jeeves to come round and attend to the housekeeping whilst you're out leading your interesting life...

Jeeves would take one look and turn round and walk back out again! Way too much girly stuff in my place for Jeeves, he wouldn't understand it.  ;)

He lived with Bolt.  He can surely handle you.

Dear Ms D'Bell,

I will be in Northampton to meet you at 9am on Monday as agreed. My employer has given me leave of absence to assist you

Kind Regards

Jeeves

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!   ;applause; ;applause; ;applause;  This should be fun.   rotflmfao

Love that poem Laxie .... yes I am going to be anal myself here and write that out and shove it on the fridge.

Keep going Ian, now you know why single mums can't play as much poker right  ;)

(hmmmmm washing the ironing board cover ..... you anticipating someone else coming to do your ironing for you  :dontask:       ;D)

As we enter into week 2 in the house all seems to be going well.I havent yet managed to burn any dinners and the boys seem to like my cooking either that or they just aint saying anything,

i took the boys on fri and sunday to see there mum and already the hospital have releaesed her from the hospital to live at her parents while she recovers as they were very plaesed with how the operation went.Charlie and Thomas dont seem to be overly affected by the changes as of yet,which is a right result in itself.

Seeing as thomas boards mon-wed( the logistics of getting all the kids to thomas' school looks a nightmare to me,there must be over 35 school buses/taxi's all with a carer in them just to get the kids to and from scholl sheeeesh)

 I took charlie to the pictures yesterday and gave him free range on what we watched and where we ate.he chose Disaster movie and a take away from the local chippy then we had a session on his electric guitar played at very high volume although it was too much for me i just cant the hang of having to move all yr fingers up and down the gutar to get the right notes so just let him show me what he could do and he is quite a good little player (no slash ) but ok. Judo 2 night for him while i scour asda for some morsels

have promised to have 1 of thomas' friends over for tea on thursday so that shoud be fun just hope they dont both kick off at the same time...

Although it is still knackering I am finding it easier to sort everything out and have managed to sit down for a game of poker most nights by 9 although the internet connection is really quite shiddy and have just found itv on channel 84 so that helps 2 nights viewing of champions league highlights.

1 thing,

their dog is barking and eats anything its a cavellier king charles spaniel and it woofed down some onions and peppers that i dropped ealier wont do it anyharm will it??

 it seemed to enjoy it so i gave it some more...

oh and mich the door is always open if You wanna help with the ironing,

 hell its open to anyone who wants to do some, ill even clean the floor where you stand if it pleases.....

And Jeeves i'm thinking that yr services would go down  a treat here so if you find yrself short of employment give us a shout,loads to keep you occupied,school runs.cooking cleaning dog walking oh and the grass would need some attention as well,

sounds like you're doing a great job Ian - glad to hear things are working out ok.

Knew you could do it.   ;)

Yeah keep going - well done you - and keep getting distracted at home and donking your chips towards me on the Open, Ta x

Seriously - well done - just make sure you keep your home life at your other place in perspective - if I was your Missus I would be pleased you were doing so well but feeling a bit out of the loop.....difficult balancing act with you being a housewife you know - get to it and make a fuss of her too. xx

Keep it up, you're doing better than most could ( me included )

If you carry on at this rate, I reckon that soon you'll be eligible for honary womanhood. 

That's a double edged sword tho'.  The more you can prove you can cope with, the more you are expected to do.

ian

although i rarely post on these types of threads im thinking of you and hopeing things work out ok

take care

paul

just when u think yr at the lowest Eb there is always something else to come along and smack you in the face, my sister in law(wife of my brother who died 18months ago) has just found a lump in her breast and also there is an irregularity in her smear test results but here's hoping that it all nothing plzzzzzzz

I am feeling totally overwhelmed by all of it at the moment I just don't know my arse from my elbow,the worst time is when the boys are in bed and I'm on me own in a house which just doesn't offer any comfort,when i say that i mean the sofa is like a hard block and the bed isn't much improved on that,so after a long day all i wanna do is just chill out comfortably.Aside from that all is as well a scan be expected,apart from my ex having to have another op to remove some dead tissue.

My wife is also finding it really hard which makes it harder knowing how she is feeling,simple things like the kitchen lights blowing after i had left on sunday and will stay off until i get back on Friday,

ALSO I NOW KNOW WHY WOMEN LIKE TO BE GIVEN FLOWERS SO CMON YOU BLOKES CHEER YR WOMEN UP AND GIVE THEM A BUNCH NOW AND THEN...

the boys really do seem to be coping really well with it and although this is real hard work for me seeing them happy means its all done for the good.

On the poker side of things when yr mind isn't focused properly i do find it impossible to play my normal game and keep donking off at some stage so Tracey ill be doing my best to keep it up lol@ A3  sigh................. and ffs i have to contend with virgin broadband which is real shite....grrrrrrrrrr

on a brighter note ill be 40 on sunday. so I am having all me family up to celebrate/commiserate  and to mark the occasion I'll be giving up the dreaded fags wow what a time to be thinking of giving up but i will give it my best shot and think of the boys...

Apologies to all for the continued down side to this thread but am sure things will turn around real soon......





wont they?

Oh Ian - it's horrible when it's coming at you all at once, I'm so sorry you're having a horrible time but just keep looking at the smiles on your boys faces and know that you are doing a great job.

The intial joy at being with the kids is possibly fading a bit as looking after everything becomes more of a chore, you're missing the Missus - and quite right too, and you are genrally riding a white charger without as much thanks and love as you should be getting under normal circumstances. In another scenario you would be the great hero but because of the problems and history between the family I bet not many are telling you you're doing a good job.

I know you're not doing it for the thanks but it would be nice now and again....?

Remember - It's always darkest before the dawn. It will get better and you will know that you have done right by and for your children. x

thx for that you have hit the nail spot on xx

also thx for all the support on here and pm's it certainly helps

Havent had a chance to catch up on this thread for a while. Sorry to hear about your sister in law, and sincerely hope she is ok.

Not really sure what else to say to be honest, but best wishes to you and I hope things improve soon. I cant imagine what you are going through and to attempt to give up smoking in perhaps the most stressful few months of your life is brave !
Dont get too down on yourself if you dont manage it this time, just give it another go when things settle a bit. I am giving it a shot at new year.

All the best. Keep up the "diary" here, there are lots of people who are would like to know how you are getting on and putting it all down in writing certainly helps.

Take care m8

Alex

Yup.

I always pop in when I see a new post.

You're hitting situations  wayyy beyond my experiences, and I sorta don't feel quailfied to give advice at this point.

But I'm rootin' for ya.

Keep posting, and take advantage of the extra discount you can get on buying wine by the 1/2 dozen.

And enjoy the 'phone sex with your mrs.  ;)

I properly LoL'd at this

if the situation wasnt so delicate i'd lol as well but the Mrs is not having the best of times of things at the mo almost daily phone calls with tears from her.

Soz.  No offense meant obv.

none taken m8 and i'm open to offers for any surrogate wives for fone sex  ;)

to tell the truth somehow it seems to be affecting her more than me.

That makes sense.  You're so busy you just get on with it, not concentrating on the difficulties.

From a distance, she can see all the difficulties that you're in, as well as her own problems ( one's you'd normally be there to help her with ).   And it wouldn't surprise me if she's feeling a little insecure as well - it would be perfectly natural.  She's seeing you cope really well without her, and she knows she's struggling to cope without you.

But I'm sure she's also feeling guilty about feeling bad about you being away from her, because she understands why you're doing it.

A vicious circle.

All you can do is support her from afar as best as possible, and make sure you see her as often as you can.

I think communication is the key with her.  Talk as often and as openly as you can.  Don't try to be the strong silent one.  It'll make her feel more secure in her own mind if she knows how hard you find things without her there beside you.

Sorry - Bollox ramblings alert.  I got carried away with that, spouting rubbish as always.   If it's unwanted intrusion please ignore.

 ;ashamed;

From a female point of view...I was actually very impressed with your ramblings. 

+1

me too - not bollox at all

+2

Cant wait to get home 2nite just got to get away from work 1st.....

have had tears and been sick so far today as it just seems forces are against me at the mo....

what a time to think about givuing up the ciggies wooohooo roll on sunday....

keep battling ian, you are a strong character (sp) with a strong will, good luck mate

Sod the ciggies, I think you'll need something a tad stronger.

personally I think you're crazy for trying to give up smoking just now, but if you really want it, I'm sure you'll do it.  Best of luck!

along with the ciggies that goes with it....


i think i'm crazy as well but at least if i CAN do it now it'll be worth it..

cheers m8

Oh we do have a laugh on a monday,firstly i took charlie bowling as there is a alley just down the road from here and its sooo cheap a tenner for 3 games each we like that,anyway i do like a bit of a bbowl and told charlie i'm in it to win it,his response was yeah but yr old now and yr back will give in after 7 bowls,cheeky git!!

Any way game 1 I managed to get 5 consecutive strikes Now i might be wrong but i think its called a turkey when you get 3 strikes in a row so whats 5???? finished with a score of 193

and a big "hey m8 u seen that score" to the young guy in the next alley trying his best to impress his young filly

after bowling i asked master Charlie what he fancied to eat and he nodded behind me and said That! A foot long hot dog with chips easy this parenting gig eh?

any way on the way home i remebered we needed bread for tomorrows sarnies so gave Charlie £2 and told him to jog in the shop while i wait in the car and get a loaf.Job done

Gets home start making the sarnies and find the minging bread is wholemeal hard and had mould on it, also it had  dodgy black spots on it as well FFS now we have to walk back to get a new loaf,I asked him why he bought that 1 and he said " it was the only 1 in there,well somehow when we walked in there was about 15 odd loafs left grrrrrrrrrrrr

well Wednesday's are always fun as Thomas comes home from boarding and he has a suitcase to sort out,so i get it all washed and ironed and repacked in 1 night as to not have a mad rush on sunday night,as well as cooking and usual other bits i decided to be a proper women and multi task by playing poker at the same time missed out on the sky sat after tilt when i got timed out with pocket Aces whilst ironing ffs so decided to play the open and managed to cash so that's 3 out of 3 cashes in that this week roll on PRIMO on Friday,pah this stuff is a piece of wee wee.

Main problem i have is sleep i just cant get enough it just takes ages to get off so am on about 3 hours a night at the mo,didn't help with thomas getting up to go to the toilet at 5.30 this morning but at least i managed to sneak out of the house to nick a pint of milk off a local doorstep as i forgot to buy more yesterday was a bit of a SAS MISSION LOL,

so NYTOL ftw me thinks..

The wife isn't coping well with the arrangement it seems harder for her somehow but i think its harder for me as i just don't have time to sit about thinking about the situation where she does,it didn't help with me telling her that 1 of my ex's parents had snooped through my mail,How do i know ?I put a strip of sellotape under the envelope flap so i would be able to tell and sure enough they had opened it,which caused my wife more distress than me as it was a card she sent me.

apart from that life's a breezeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

next time take the post out of the envelope and replace it with a note saying **** off you nosey bugger!

yes thought of that with a twist gonna make a fold in it and fill with hundreds and thousands

lol - I like it!

+1

lets make that 4 out 4 woohoo motherhood is good for poker lol

Having after inadvertently ringing the ex She told me that she is having another operation today I believe to remove some more of the cancer and she will be in hospital for another 2 weeks at least. they are really keen to start the chemo/radio as soon as possible,the details are all a  bit vague as i,m sure that she is only telling me the bare minimum but reading between the lines this doesn't look good at all in my eyes.

Thomas is starting to really miss his mum and I have asked his school to keep an eye on him,he had a big kick off with charlie this weekend with Thomas biting a chunk out of Charlie and Charlie retaliating by kicking Thomas' head against the door.Now i know what is like to fight with brothers ( i grew up with 3 with nose bleeds and black eyes the norn) I told them both that now isn't the time to be fighting each other as it is their Mum that needs to do all the fighting and by them being happy and good it will make mum feel stronger for her fight. after i had calmed him down and he'd stopped crying he said when is mum coming home?? all i could say is when she is better and feels strong enough, but until you stop fighting together she wont be able to,as she wont have the strength to. (  that was before i heard todays update)

Charlie is very much like me and doesn't show his feelings, he just bottles it all up,so i told him that i am just like him and dint show my feeling,so can  can we agree that we can chat to each other if things are getting stressful so that we both have someone to turn to,he seemed quite keen on this idea but time will tell if he does open up hopefully he will.

last nite we had a chill out watching the X factor (which they both like) and eating DAD dogs ( hot dogs made Dads special way far easier than traditional way spear the roll with a pair of scissors open them enough to make hole for sausages then squirt ketchup into hole followed by sausage) + less mess as ketchup stays inside roll followed by  cakes and chocolate mini rolls.

It seemed to work as they both woke up happy this morning especially thomas at 5.50 bounding into my room Daddy Daddy I have just completed the next level on super paper Mario (on Wii) and now have Bowser...

How long had been up for ?? beats me lol

 Wasn't Mrs T famous for only having 4 hours sleep a night??

Was gonna let Charlie kick my butt at bowling 2nite but his Guitar lesson has been moved to a monday and he says after he just wants to go on runescape so he can chill.....

Do i stop this thread as i can see it getting very depressing?

Update..
1 operation today another 1 due next week,cancer apparently spread to the bones and all the lymph nodes in armpit removed.

I would be careful if I were you.  This sounds more serious now and telling the lads they need to stop fighting so mom can get better, might work against you later.  God forbid she doesn't get better, you don't want them feeling it was their fault.  Sorry if it seems harsh, but it was the first thing that came to me mind when I read the latest updates and wasn't sure if I should post. 

Will make mom feel happy to hear they're getting along, but not make her better.  Am I making sense? 

Hang in there.  You're doing a grand job, all things considered.   ;)

God yr so right didnt think of it that way

see still gotta long way to go before full motherhood status is accheived

Laxie is spot on. You are doing brilliantly Ian - I can see daddogs catching on. x

You're more of a woman than I'll ever be.

 ;)

The high heels do give me leg ache

A Dads gut feeling: I have been thinking lately that Charlie just didn't seem quite right since i told him we'd have a honesty thing going where if he is worried he can come to me and vice versa during this time of change as neither of us is good at talking bout feelings and stuff.

Anyway..

As i was picking Charlies school shirt up off his bedroom floor, I noticed what looked like a small trainer imprint on the back of it,I asked him how did that get there? he said "when he got back from games it was on the floor" after asking him on purpose or accident? he seemed unsure, i looked at him and he had tears in his eyes,I knew what was coming and yep it turns out he is being bullied,the tears flowed and it was like  a knife through me,

He said it been virtually from the 2ND day he started high school mostly verball but some physical,some of the problems it turns out stem from the playing field,football/rugby basketball etc,(charlie has no coordination whatsoever he just isn't into sports at all,never has been,he will be the 1 who none wants on their team.) but he makes up for it in the intelligence department.He said he only has 8 friends out of 207,the rest don't like him,

Some of them have used his mums condition in the mix saying he'll have to live in a cardboard box soon cos his mum cant work no more,and why don't u just slit yr wrist,you could just see the pain in his face.

I reassured him that he is worth 10 of any of the others and that he is the best son anyone could want. i just cant get that this has been going on for so long.

Am straight onto the school tomorrow morning to get an appointment with either year head or headmaster.

WP that man  ;applause;

Good read.

You're getting good at this. 

Horrible for your lad, of course.  But just more proof that he's got the best dad in the world.

+1  Yep...deffo a keeper.  {{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}} to the wee man too.   

I'm afraid i'm rubbish at hugs and stuff.

Is he old enough to take down the pub for a pint or two ??  ;whistle;

eventually the school got back in touch with me and after speaking to his year head,obviously they were unaware of this,and want to nip this in the bud asap,She asked me to sit down with Charlie and write down different events that have occured and by whom so that they can start dealing with it,but was reassured that it will be handled delicately with all parties involved.

I had a big long chat with Charlie and he says he feels a lot better having finally talking about it,so we agreed from now on when he gets in from school I'll ask him "how was school" and if he says "fine" then its a no issues day but if he says "a bit iffy" i'll know and we'll talk about it when the time is right,so he knows he wont be going through it alone.(Sometimes due to other parties being present it will reassure him without anyone else knowing)

Charlie wanted to type the list out instead of writing because he can type faster than write here's his list:

Regular events:

•   Mocked by **** (http://www.blondepoker.com/blondepedia/blondepedia_view_player.php?player_id=1273) **** (http://www.blondepoker.com/blondepedia/blondepedia_view_player.php?player_id=1273) and ****** because of look (E.g. Hairstyle and look of face)
•   Face grabbed and deformed by *******
•   Had food knocked out of my hand onto the floor by *******.
•   Mocked because of Name and Surname by *******.
•   Put down by countless amount of people during Games and PE because I do something wrong, don’t catch the ball etc…
•   Accused by half my class (Mainly ***** ****,  ******, ********* and **** (http://www.blondepoker.com/blondepedia/blondepedia_view_player.php?player_id=1273) **** (http://www.blondepoker.com/blondepedia/blondepedia_view_player.php?player_id=1273)) of calling ****8 racist names. This resulted in a Year of torment and accusations and last year ended up being rugby tackled and beaten up by an unknown person called ***** something and countless amount of people who I didn’t see.
•   Mocked by countless people with Yo’ Momma jokes, some people of which even know she is in hospital (One of them is *** (http://www.blondepoker.com/blondepedia/blondepedia_view_player.php?player_id=1273) **** (http://www.blondepoker.com/blondepedia/blondepedia_view_player.php?player_id=1273))
•   Called names like “Emo” and “****ing neek” by *********,***** **** and ********.
•   Pushed out of conversations by ****** even from conversations I started.
Pushed out of groups by ****** and ******

This is all bar 1 from the start of this present school term.

The school has taken an in depth statement from Charlie and was he more worried about writing down the swear words used than the actual names and events,the boys involved will be spoken to in due course once the different year heads have all discussed the situation,and charlie has been told to make any teachers aware of any incidents and to keep a diary from now on.
He seemed good and and has a little sparkle back. I asked them bearing in mind what his Mum is going through not to inform her at the mo,but they told me that Alison has specifically asked to be informed of anything and between them they will tell her but maybe not all the details..

Bless him, am dropping him and 5 of his mates off for a days paintballing tomorrow so he can take some anger out there,am taking thomas/Keeley to Thorpe park

Sunday is earmarked for doing nothingness.

Hi Ian

Keep going, you are doing really good stuff here and I love the way you have decided to have the "everything fine" or "a bit iffy" code thing. Nice 1.

Might be best to edit the post though and remove names hun.

Take care
Mich

Thx so much to learn yet ...

Well it looks like a quick resolution to Charlies problem has been established which is a huge relief to him.I took him out to bluebeckers for his favourite Ribs last nite and he was the happiest i have seen him in ages.

I took him and 5 of his mates paintballing on Saturday which he loved I think it was just what he needed the chance of unloading some built up anger in a safe controlled manner (wow those places take some money) Below is an email from his school year head,

Dear Mr Attwater
Again sorry that Charlie has had to go through this especially at such a difficult time.
All of the boys involved have now been spoken to and in the main they have admitted to almost all that Charlie has said.
A couple of the boys were very upset as they felt that they were friends and that Charlie had said some unkind things to them. It seems that as they did not realise that Charlie was upset they just continued. It has been made very clear to them how unacceptable their behaviour is and their parents have been informed and support any action that we take.
I have spoken to Charlie this morning and explained everything to him. He said that he felt quite comfortable with it all, but please do speak to him again as I would hate that he just felt he could not tell me or was uncomfortable with the action that has been taken.
I will call Mrs Attwater today and give her an update.
Regards

I would just like to add that as a parent hearing something like i did is absolutely heart wrenching,so to all the parents out there have a chat with your kids and make them feel comfortable in the knowledge that if anything should ever happen to them that they SHOULD ALWAYS speak to someone asap rather than bottling up for years,speaking from personal experience this is easier said than done though.

Wow what a night,

The usual for a Wednesday afternoon is: grandparents pick Thomas up from school, come back to the house meet Charlie here then they go to the hospital to see mum then back to grandparents house for tea where I collect them. Giving me an hour or so to get stuck into the washing/ironing..

This afternoon though was different.

I got back about 4.15 and was met on the drive by the ex father in law asking where Charlie was? He said I don’t know , I walked indoors and Thomas was there on his Wii and was told Charlie hasn’t been home bearing in mind he is always home at 3.15,pm.start to panic now, phone the few friends of his I had numbers for all to no avail, as far as they were concerned he’d left school as normal.
Phoned the school and voicemail Fook!!

Told father in law to wait here ill drive around and go to his school, took Thomas with me.

Got to the school and straight into see the year head,she had to check to see if his bike was there then to check attendance, bike was gone and he was in his last lesson. Year head gave me a few other numbers to try and I kept trying home on school phone as no service inside the school, and she phoned her husband (who is in police force) and he said after 2 hours it must be reported looked at clock it was 5.15.So called 999 and was asked for details: last seen, what he was wearing, how tall, what, clothes he had on when I last saw him was there anything upsetting him or worrying him?.Jees that got to me what a horrid situation I just about held it together in front of year head. The police told me to go straight home in case he comes back and that some officers will be round shortly. Year head gave me her home number to call with any developments, jumped back into the car and sped towards the house, on route message alert on phone goes it’s a voicemail Charlie “ hi Dad am home now am just going to the hospital with granddad” tried to ring back no answer. Why did they just go without waiting for Thomas? Called the police to let them know and they said the officers will still come round to check he is ok and take statement. I’m like fook they turn up and Charlie isn’t there omg grrrrrrrrrrr, called his mums phone and spoke to Charlie who quite merrily said hiya we’ll be leaving in about 30mins, got onto father in law and told him that he wont be leaving in 30mins he needs to get home now as the police are on there way to question him,
I get back with Thomas and police followed 5 mins after and Charlie 5 mins after that. All ok and Charlie given talking to by officer. He was round his mates and lost track of time.

I told Charlie bearing in mind all that is going on we will just learn from it and don’t make that mistake again, part of the problem is the school have always said that mobiles are not allowed into school, but there is an unwritten rule that as long as they aren’t switched on and the school are not held responsible for any lost/thefts or breakages then its ok to have them in their possession. So from now he doesn’t leave home without it…




Kids eh?? Am sure I said this parenting gig was easy

Been there and done it.

Trouble is your kid takes a phone to school but it has to be switched off so whats the point as most kids will not remember to switch it back on when the school day ends.

My oldest son had 2 phones stolen from his backpack at seperate times from the locker room when he was at PE and even though the second time was during first lesson and the school was locked down they refused to search the other kids bags KNOWING the thief could be caught, he had also taken other phones, cd players, cash etc

The policeman I spoke to on the phone was very rude to me, saying a kid of 14 shouldnt have a mobile phone anyway.

I wrote into the local press calling him a right pompous git (or words to that effect) and complaining that surely if a theft has happened kids should turn out their bags, thats what happened when I was at school. Apparently they cant do that anymore  He phoned me and arranged to visit me at home to update.

He picked the wrong lady...I dont back down when im angry grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Keep up the good work Ian..you are doing a grand job x

Thx suze but at least if he has the fone he'll be able to switch it on lol


At last a little bit of good news it looks like the ex will be released from hossie on tuesday & is going to go home to her house,her chemo/radio starts in about 2 weeks time so even if its 2 weeks at my house ill settle for that am 1 happy boy

 ;karabiner; ;karabiner;

Just catching up.

Hope things are still moving in the right direction

To tell you the truth I'm not sure where things are moving really,I know she is starting chemo/radio soon but not sure when and if I will be needed to look after the boys,I suppose it depends on how she feels.I know the boys are both happy she is home.6 weeks without your kids must be tough on both sides.I do feel in a it of limbo at the mo have asked but I didn't get a very good response,relations between me and the ex are still very strained,Believe me I have tried.

it does seem a bit weird not being there for the boys and i do miss it,I am sure I'll be doing it again.But BOY it was tough going,so at the mo I'm just enjoying a bit of downtime.

Also thx to all that gave me advice and encouragement during the Mrs Doubtfire weeks..

I know chemo is a real drain, so I'm sure your help will still be needed.

Recharge your batteries, so Captain Dadtastic will be firing on all cylinders when necessary.

Have you bought yourself a cape yet ?

yup and mask  :D

Latest update is that Chemo starts next monday but she has to have a scan as there is a shadow on her vertabrae sounds like its spreading to me,

I have asked if i'll be needed to look after the boys but as of yet have had no reply sometimes i just wish she would open up a little bit more but it seems i'll be last on the list to find out whats going on

She must be shitting herself at the moment.  Assume you'll be needed, and have a backup plan with the mrs if you're not.  But don't worry about her keeping it all in - it's her loss.  You just concentrate on the lads.

PS Who was it that said you should have been wearing a mask for the last 10 years anyway ?

Stetson i could understand but mask??

Update:

Alison(ex)
The shadow on the vertebrae is deterioration whatever that means?? but not cancer,BUT she now has another lump which i presume is in her breast to which she is having a scan tomorrow with results on Monday,abusive texts to myself have started again but i am just ignoring them what else can i do??

Charlie (son) No more incidents of bullying since which is great news and he is really happy.. and he is going to join air cadets which from what he says is pretty cool..

Thomas (son) is going to start having behavioural therapy as he is kicking off quite a bit at the mo (understandable) but its getting to the point that the girls are starting to get scared of him when he kicks off,and if this isn't sorted i can see it leading to major problems in the future,he is also boarding an extra day which I'm sure helps the ex,and he really enjoys it..

Wife's Nan  bless her she is 89 and it looks like she will be at peace imminently and the wife is really took this badly but at least they have had a bit of time to get used to it.She really is a tops women and ill miss her as well...

Vincent (cousin) A year and a day after my brother died from the big C Vincents wife lost her battle with it,and ever since Vincent has said that he wouldn't be around for the 1st anniversary of her passing,after  after  few attempts to take his life he was sectioned under the mental health act,he subsequently convinced them that he was OK to which they released him.His mum came down and spent the week with him after they let him out of hospital,she went home last Saturday and Vincent hung himself on sunday he really couldn't go on without his wife....RIP Vincent...


am trying to hold it all together but fk it is hard but i will get there eventually sy its been a grim read...

RIP Elizabeth your be sorely missed xx

Sympathies to you and yours.  xx

My heart goes out to your whole family mate.......thinking of you

Snatx

Oh Ian I feel so sorry for everything you are going through. It really does put everything in perspective for the rest of us.

So so sorry.

Give your boys a big hug next time you see them - they are what makes all of this worth it. xxx

ty

ty


ty will do x