Vagueness and the Aftermath - A sporadic diary

[typhoon13]

When I was in my 40s I started going for a wee a bit frequently. It started off slowly but gradually got worse until I was up to something like 15/20 times a day.

The thing was, I wasn't weeing much quantity wise, perhaps half a cup full or less, but I couldn't hold it, had to go.

Eventually I went to the Doctor and he told me to keep a wee diary for a week and then come back and see him again. I was to record the time and the amount.

When I went back and showed him my 'slasher novel', as Mrs Red called it, there were so many entries it looked like the thesis for a PhD. He flipped through a few dozen pages and said, "Hospital."

Within a few days I was in the urology department of Leicester Royal Infirmary.

"We just want to do a few tests" The specialist said, "Will that be OK?"

The next thing I knew I was without pants, standing in a shower tray without curtains.

Nurse #1 was feeding an alarmingly large tube into my alarmingly small willy and Nurse #2 was pouring lukewarm water from what looked like a 4 litre jug into a funnel that was attached to the other end.

"Let us know when it starts to feel uncomfortable" said Nurse #1.

I resisted the urge to say "It felt uncomfortable as soon as you told me to take my trousers off in a shower cubicle with no curtains" and instead waited until the jug was about 1/5th empty.

"It's uncomfortable now."

"That's great." said Nurse #2, continuing to pour.

"OK" said Nurse #1, "Let us know when it's so uncomfortable that, if you were in the cinema, with 10 minutes to go to the end of the film, you would still have to go to the loo."

By this time the jug was half empty. "NOW NOW" I screamed, screwing my eyes up and wringing my hands, "I would go now."

"That's great" said Nurse #2, continuing to pour the last few pints into the funnel.

"Right!" Said Nurse #1, "If you had 5 correct numbers on the National Lottery, how long could you wait to hear what the 6th number was  before going to the loo?"

I don't know what I said next, it was probably drowned out by the noise of my teeth shattering, but it was probably something along the lines of "Aaaarrrrgggh....  fuck the lottery".

"That's great" Nurse said #2 with a beaming smile as she held the giant empty jug aloft.


After being allowed to pee blissfully and uncontrollably for about 15 minutes, I put my pants back on and saw the specialist again.

"There is nothing wrong with your urine capacity" He told me, "What you have is a lazy bladder."

He told me how to re-train my bladder by waiting to pee. When I feel the need to go I force myself to wait for 10 minutes. After a few days increase it to 20 minutes and so on, until my bladder gets it's act together and behaves normally.

"Don't train your bladder at night though" he warned me, "If you need to go at night, just go."

It works too. Within a fortnight I'm like a normal person. Mentally scarred yes but normal as far as weeing frequency for a man of my age goes.

Every so often, perhaps once a year, My bladder starts to get lazy again and I go through the routine and fix it.

Great story Tom BUT I meant you can train yourself not to fret in the night!

[RED-DOG]

Great story Tom BUT I meant you can train yourself not to fret in the night!

Lol. You might have said.

OK. How do you know you can, have you done it and if so, how?

[tikay]

As misunderstandings go...

[RED-DOG]

The problem: I have to be in Westminster by 10:30 on Thursday, which means leaving home at silly O'clock, arriving for my meeting feeling shattered and getting home at even sillier O'clock.

The solution: Drive down in my camper on Wednesday afternoon, park up near a convenient tube station, (Stanmore?) do my thing of Thursday and pootle home.

The fly in the ointment: I have a long hawthorn hedge running down each side of my place and once a year a local farmer comes and cuts it for me with his tractor & flail. The trouble is he struggles to find time to do it so I have to take what he offers and work around it.

He wants to come on Wednesday, which might make me late setting off.

So. Does anyone have information about parking within walking distance of Stanmore? I only need a car sized space but I want 24 hours without restricted access.

[typhoon13]

Great story Tom BUT I meant you can train yourself not to fret in the night!

Lol. You might have said.

OK. How do you know you can, have you done it and if so, how?

I should of made myself more clearer but then we wouldn't of been blessed with the wee wee story so no apology there

Firstly if you lay in bed in the middle of the night fretting about something the problem doesn't seem anything like severe when you get up in the morning, middle of the night just seems to bring out all the worse case scenarios

When you go for wee wee in the middle of the night totally erase all negative thoughts, keep your eyes shut as much as possible, smile, fill your mind with nice thoughts (probably best to keep them to yourself lol) very important to keep smiling, let your mind know that your in charge and you will choose the path it takes, smile

Learnt this strategy from running a losing position and that actual market out of hours

[RED-DOG]

very important to keep smiling, let your mind know that your in charge and you will choose the path it takes, smile

I love this bit Trev.

One of the most insightful and inspirational things I've read in a long time

[RED-DOG]

When I was young I didn't seem to feel the cold, well I suppose I did feel it but I didn't make any concessions to it. Never wore a hat or gloves or, (Heven forbid) a scarf.

Frost, rain, wind, snow, I'd go out I my shirt-sleves, remark on the weather, "Fek me it's cold" and then just seem to forget about it and get on with my day.

Not so now. Anything below about 20c and I don't venture anywhere, even if it's just to the shed and back, without my coat. woolly hat, and maybe my gloves. (No scarf though, I do still have some standards)

Anyway, the point of this story is, I've started wearing my woolly hat indoors and I don't really know why. It isn't cold indoors so I don't need it, and truth to be told it makes me look a bit barmy, but I just like wearing it.

It makes me feel cosy and safe, and I can roll the front down over my eyes and retreat inside my head whilst still being able to see enough through the weave of the knitting to know what's going on.

Don't laugh. You'll all be trying it by tomorrow.

Click to see full-size image.

[Pokerpops]

When I was young I didn't seem to feel the cold, well I suppose I did feel it but I didn't make any concessions to it. Never wore a hat or gloves or, (Heven forbid) a scarf.

Frost, rain, wind, snow, I'd go out I my shirt-sleves, remark on the weather, "Fek me it's cold" and then just seem to forget about it and get on with my day.

Not so now. Anything below about 20c and I don't venture anywhere, even if it's just to the shed and back, without my coat. woolly hat, and maybe my gloves. (No scarf though, I do still have some standards)

Anyway, the point of this story is, I've started wearing my woolly hat indoors and I don't really know why. It isn't cold indoors so I don't need it, and truth to be told it makes me look a bit barmy, but I just like wearing it.

It makes me feel cosy and safe, and I can roll the front down over my eyes and retreat inside my head whilst still being able to see enough through the weave of the knitting to know what's going on.

Don't laugh. You'll all be trying it by tomorrow.

Click to see full-size image.

We won’t you know.

[tikay]

[RED-DOG]

Do you think this is CGI?

It looks too good to be real.



https://youtu.be/JIbaA66UPLs

[tikay]

Do you think this is CGI?

It looks too good to be real.



https://youtu.be/JIbaA66UPLs

No idea how they did it, but it's not real imo.

[marcro]

Do you think this is CGI?

It looks too good to be real.



https://youtu.be/JIbaA66UPLs

Incredible clip, definitely gives a "feel good" moment and imo, great marketing!

[tonytats]

I must have a lazy bladder too Tom as I’m one of those always needing a wee people
I recently started doing part time 3-4 days a week courier driving and I can now go ages without peeing ,
I’ve learnt to pull over n go though before arriving at a pick up or collection though as the lazy bit pops up again
And it’s not I’m here for a collection/ delivery
It’s ffs where’s the loo please !

Similar with the cold
But going to places like airports with regular clothes on I get so overheated n sweat like anything after a few steps
Yet if at work or home I would be in shorts and a polo shirt and quite comfortable
Always I’m warm and love an air conned bedroom when away
Denise is the complete opposite and wants a warm room

[RED-DOG]

It's funny how couples always seem opposite like that.

I'm always warm but Mrs Red seems incapable of producing her own heat. It's like sleeping with a stainless steel bucket.

[RED-DOG]

Just watching a USA customs programme.

The sniffer dog alerts on a backpack. A search reveals a tiny wrap containing barely enough marijuana to cover a match head.

The owner is arrested and handed over to the police.

Customs official, "What ever it takes to keep America safe man..."