An account of Jeeves' trip to Las Vegas latterly in the service of Mr tikay.

[SuuPRlim]

yessssssssss

[Jeeves]

It was reasonably early yesterday morning when my phone rang

"Jeeves?"

a lady's voice, and she appeared to be outside. Possibly running. Possibly running fast

"Yes Madam, Jeeves here"

For a fleeting moment, i pondered whether this could really be an opportunity to miss out on the employ of my master for the next month. The last week had been rather taxing after all

"Jeeves"

I could hear the pounding of footsteps from the other end of the line

"Gill here. The future Mrs Kendall"

"Hello madam, how may help?"

"I will tell you how you can help Jeeves, JUST TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME NOW"

"Pardon Madam?"

"It's all I have had for over a week Jeeves. Phone this, Vodafone that, Pack code, sim cards, shopping centres, shop assistants. Jeeves I put my phone on silent to try to escape but he gets me on skype Jeeves. I block him on Skype Jeeves and he emails. turn off my emails Jeeves and still the messages come Jeeves"

I stayed silent for a moment while she appeared to catch her breath

she continued

"Yes Tony I know you don't like being without a phone. Yes Tony i know your £10 Pay as you go credit ran out in mid phone call to Vodafone. Yes Tony I know you've told me seventeen times today"

I waited

"Then Jeeves, I went down for the weekend and do you know what i got all night Jeeves? Do you? Jeeves?"

She was getting irate

"no madam, i do not"

"Nightmares Jeeves. He wakes up every hour on the hour shouting Jeeves"

"Madam what does he shout?"

I felt i had to ask

"Welcome to Vodafone! You will now be connected with a service adviser. Your approximate wait time is 4 minute(s) and 31 seconds. . We’re looking forward to assisting you today.

thanks for your patience - your approximate wait time is 3 minute(s) and 37 seconds.

Thanks for your patience - your approximate wait time is 3 minute(s) and 37 seconds.

Thanks for your patience - your approximate wait time is 4 minute(s) and 34 seconds.

Please wait to send your question until we connect you with one of our representatives.

Please wait to send your question until we connect you with one of our representatives. "

"all night Jeeves. No Tony I don't know why the wait time goes up the more time you spend waiting. No Tony don't know why they play muzak while you wait. I just want it over Tony. Make it stop...."

Her voice trailed away in exasperation

"Jeeves, can you make it stop?"

"Well madam, i am accompanying him to Las Vegas tomorrow, so that gives you a few weeks off"

There was an audible sigh of relief from the other end of the phone.

"Yes Jeeves. It took him over a week to sort out getting a phone Jeeves, how long is it going to take him to set a date and marry me Jeeves, how long?"

That, i felt, was a question that was somewhat above my pay grade

I had to reply something so settled for a response that seemed wholly inadequate

"Perhaps when he has finished his Sky Sports, for the Poker curious, blog on Lucy Rokach, Madam?"

"Like hell" she replied and it sounded like she resumed running

"He's just got trim Jeeves, all ready for the wedding and he's going to put it all back on Jeeves isn't he? Sticky buns? danish pastries? full english breakfasts...."

The future Mrs Kendall's voice trailed away as the prospect of a life of total abstinence followed by constant binge eating and semi-permanent Vodafone customer assistance dramas dawned on her

"I just want you to do one thing for me in Vegas Jeeves, before I arrive...."

I was happy to help, but hoped it did not involve mobile phones, or park runs.

"Of course madam"

"Make sure you burst that bloody rubber ring Jeeves"

"rubber ring Madam?"

She sounded flustered again

"San Diego Jeeves, train ride down the coast Jeeves, magical setting, the beach at twilight, a wonderful day Jeeves. Memories that will live forever"

there didn't seem much wrong with this, and i wondered where it was leading

"but he wouldnt step in the Pacific without his rubber ring Jeeves. This year, if he gets his rubber ring out when we get to the beach, I am holding you personally responsible. Hide it, break it, lose it, don't pack it but whatever you do, it does not reach San Diego. Comprendre?"

I comprendred all too well, the tone in her voice suggested i had to succeed

"consider it done Madam, consider it done. See you in a few weeks"

and there was silence at the end of the line as the pavements of Staffordshire were pounded once again.....

[Jeeves]

He's asleep and very soon he heads off to California with his fiancee. I am not required in California because, get this:

"Jeeves, I need you to carry on writing my Sky Poker, yet another chip stack challenge on soon, Vegas blog. You are staying here"

So there it is, no Amtrak journeys for me, no paddling in the Pacific and frankly i feel like a bit of a spare part but on the upside a few nights off for Peppermints and the luscious delights of Lucy and Cassandra. At the same time. Bring it on.

I thought, whilst Master is at repose, that you might like to see the annotated draft of Master's last blog

My instructions were texted to me as follows

"Jeeves, next blog cover off Jesus, non runners and the Venetian. 750 words max. submit tomorrow. Off to lose my money at the Nugget."

My attempt was as follows

Master's annotated notes are in bold italic

Fortunately we were on deadline so i was able to safely ignore his remarks as he was so keep to submit it and keep his superiors at Wellington Place happy.

As he said to me before he went

"just send it, Mr Tyrell won't care. At least he's not here this year. Did absolutely nothing last year."

"Chris "Jesus" Ferguson showed up at the WSOP, which most certainly caused an arched eyebrow or two Jeeves, do eyebrows arch? just tried to arch my eyebrows and Gill said i looked silly. Chris has been AWOL jeeves do you require leave not to play poker? and under the radar since Black Friday and most thought he'd not dare show his face again. In fact, his alleged yes jeeves, got to get it past legal partner in crime, Howard Lederer, was the favourite to break cover first, as he had recently issued an apology, seen by many as clearing the way for his return.

The whole Black Friday thing did not reflect well on any of those involved bit of an understatement Jeeves, but nice corporate speak, well done, though let's not forget, there were 3 sites involved, not one well hinted. We need to move on though, and none of us know the real facts, or who did what jeeves, move up the fence a bit, i am getting splinters. There's no shortage of finger pointing and plenty of angry folks around, and maybe deservedly, it was a bad do. jeeves, do you think i belong in Downton abbey or something? a bad do? would i really say that?

What seems to be in short supply is an understanding that these things are in the past yes jeeves forgive and forget, and in my opinion, speaking personally, there's nothing to be gained by carrying on with the hate and accusations. A little forgiveness never did anyone any harm, but it seems to be in short supply right now. thats right jeeves, you never know who you might be working with next, or who might want to give you a job

Let's be done with all the bad blood, and bring these guys back into the fold jeeves really? lets keep it real I'm really not sure what harm it would do, and there's certainly nothing good to be gained by prolonging the matter. It's history, move on, next case. ever thought of a job in politics jeeves?


Non Runners

The Rio don't have chip runners this year, and that has set the tongues well and truly wagging bit of an exaggeration jeeves. also, do tongues wag, i just tried to wag my tongue and Gill said i looked silly. The red-shirted chip runners were very useful. If you were playing cash and needed a pull up, the cry "CHIPS PLEASE" was enough to ensure you never had to leave the table, you could put cash on the table and get it changed by another player, and the games flowed better. all too frequent for me jeeves, well observed

Now players have to wander across to the cage and get the chips themselves, and cash - folding money - is not permitted on the table. It's not the worst inconvenience in the world, far from it, but it is certainly a backwards step. i know i said that these poker players are mollycoddled and should get in the real world jeeves, but well done for recognising what i really meant and writing it

So what gives? The WSOP people are all singing from the same hymn sheet - this was a directive from the Nevada Gaming Commission, and if that's true, fair enough, it's best not to mess with the regulators. The alternative theory is that the WSOP suits have decided this would be a good cost-cutting exercise. ooh jeeves, controversial

I've no idea which is the real reason nice get out, do you think anyone will believe that jeeves?, it could be either I suppose, you can pay your money and take your choice. You have to go to the cage to pay the money, though.

Venetian Poker Room, the love and the loathing

Mention of the poker room at the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas is generally enough to excite some extreme views. I know, for sure, Sky Poker Ambassador Neil Channing marvellous jeeves, simply a marvellous mention is a strong advocate of boycotting the room. Why? Well, in short, the majority owner of the Venetian, Sheldon Adelson, has lobbied strongly against online poker, and advocates it be banned. Which, of course, would be a bad thing yes jeeves, it would be. no more trips to vegas for you for one thing It's easy to see Neil's point that, arguably, we should not support Mr Adelson's poker room.

Let me say this, though go for it jeeves, you know i really like the latte there and the seats are so comfortable, who needs online poker anyway?. This debate will not go away any time soon, and some of us - no names mentioned thank you jeeves, i am only 68 are not getting any younger. Whilst I don't dispute the facts, and maybe Mr Adelson is a nasty little spoilsport christ jeeves, can we take that bit out?, the fact remains that playing the Sands Poker Room at Venetian might just be the best live poker experience in the world. do you think they might comp me now?

The room is just gorgeous, in every way shape and form, and you'd be hard pressed to find a better place to play live poker, or one in a grander setting.

The tables are large, they all have auto-shufflers, the seats are plush soft leather told you jeeves, well spottted, the tables include charger points for our assorted iPad toys toys jeeves toys?, there are plasmas right around the perimeter showing live sport, and the music they play is the nuts - ELO, Salt ‘N Pepa you what jeeves?, The Beatles and Robbie Williams. What's not to like?

That's it for today, more from Las Vegas, and the World Series of Poker in a day or two. just make it convincing while i am in california jeeves, nothing too controversial next time

[RED-DOG]

Too good.

[Tal]

Formidable pseudonymery, Jeeves.

One concern, though: there is no way tikay would ever pen anything so mind-rottingly, word-limit-eschewingly banal as:

"A little forgiveness never did anyone any harm"

Moreover, and melancholy as it doubtless may be, I'm certain your master would have familiarity from his studies with how the Greek army forgave their enemy in the Trojan War and accepted the Trojans' equine peace offering. Didn't end well, Jeeves. Did not end well.

Whilst we all know tikay plays the fool with such effortless and graceful aplomb that even the keenest eyed scrutineer could be persuaded it is precisely as nature intended, a select few - your brilliant self included - know the truth that it is really the product of a meticulously handcrafted acting algorithm. He'd simply never allow such a slip.

A jolly decent nine, nevertheless, Jeeves. Bravo.

[tikay]

Or. Some.

[Jeeves]

"Well done sir. A magnificent result"

My master pointed at me



"Thank you Jeeves. It was a masterclass wasn't it?"

I waited for more. Every dog has its day after all, and as the sun rose as we headed to the car park i sensed that this particular poker canine was about to bark

"I thought i did extremely well to get a good deal there Jeeves, i always did have good negotiating skills. Superb result to get first place prize money for my friend too. All down to me." 

"Yes sir, i will have to add a positive return column on the spreadsheet now sir. I didn't think we'd be needing one"

He looked at me, somewhat quizzical, but we soon moved on

"Lets get back to the hotel Jeeves, you've got two blogs to write before you go to sleep. Think it is time you tackled Howard Lederer and Super Seniors events. Maybe when i am old enough i should play one, Jeeves?"

We got in the car and it was clear that Master was high on life. We rode down the strip with windows open and 50 cent's "In da Club" blaring out of the speakers.

I inserted my earplugs as My master sang along

"Go, go, go, go go, go, go, shawty
It's your birthday
We gon' party like it's yo birthday
We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday
And you know we don't give a fuck
It's not your birthday!

You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub
Look mami I got the X if you into taking drugs
I'm into having sex, I ain't into making love
So come give me a hug if you into to getting rubbed"

when suddenly

"BANG"

This was the result

Click to see full-size image.

and this was the culprit



"Jeeves" said my master quietly "you've had an accident"

at which point a Mexican gentlteman approached my side of the car

"Hey gringo, Es un pendejo!"

i had to think quickly. Sadly my Butler education had not included Mexican slang, so i was left to guess and make the best of the situation.

I looked across to my Master for assistance but the driver's seat was empty, the car door was open and i could just see him cowering behind a free newspaper stand across the road. Some help.

"No manches!"

"No indeed sir" i replied, somewhat lost

Now in English, the Mexican told me he would get the police. Meanwhile across the road i could see my Master trying to avoid being arrested for jay-walking. Again.

The police soon arrived and asked me for my documents. I explained i wasn't the driver and they asked where the driver was. I told them that the driver was currently in Starbucks with a grand latte and a copy of Las Vegas Review Journal whilst i extricated himself from the situation i had somehow managed to put us in despite not being the driver.

They appeared unconvinced. Meanwhile the Mexican was getting irate

"Dale cabron gringo!” but i was able to think on my feet and told the police officer

"No tiene dos dedos de frente." and winked at him. This didn't go down too well either, but you have to try anything in these circumstances

I had to explain that we didn't have any documents on us, without clarifying this was because my master fretted constantly that a previous incident some years ago which had been unresolved would be held against him. Oh yes, and there was still a jay-walking incident outstanding.

Fortunately though the police appeared more interested in my new Mexican friend and he was soon sitting in the back of their car. We were told to wait for a police highway rider to come to resolve the situation

At this point my master emerged from Starbucks

"Hurry up Jeeves, you've got two blogs to write. Sky Poker, using jay walkers as analysts, are waiting for them"

Under an hour later the next set of policemen arrived.  I recognised them from somewhere, but i couldn't place it. Perhaps it was that club i had been in the other night, by mistake.



I explained to the officers that it was not my master's fault, that he was a sensitive soul and was currently in starbucks, that i had two blogs to write and could we please go? We would produce documents if required later in the day, but the blogs had to take precedence.

After some to and fro we were allowed to leave and as i did so a young laddy thrust the following into my hand

Click to see full-size image.

Meanwhile my Mexican friend was in handcuffs. Off he went, cursing all the while.

As everyone departed the scene My Master re-emerged, as if by magic

"you could have sorted that a bit quicker Jeeves, Leeds won't be happy with you"

"No sir...." I replied, keeping further thoughts to myself

 

[Knottikay]

 

 

That will put Red Dog's mind at ease now the truth is out. Tikay did see a lot of chips that night for sure.

[Mohican]

I had thought you'd taken the rap for your master and was languishing in a Nevada jail cell. Gd to see this is not the case.

[MrDickie]

Absolute gold………..should be made into a TV series.

[vegaslover]

 
Just another day in the life of the Silver Rogue

[Jeeves]

In response to various enquiries I am sorry to have to inform you that for the first time in eight years i will not be accompanying my erstwhile Master Mr Kendall to Nevada this year.

We could not reach agreement on a suitable package. I wanted extra money to cover Oregon and dispensing 17 different mediacations twice a day.

He said no.

"Priorities have changed Jeeves, priorities have changed"

I am currently in the employ of a Brexit negotiator based in Knightsbridge. To be frank, I was looking forward to a few weeks away from Messrs Juncker and Tusk,let alone Messrs Johnson, Fox and Davis (D) but it is not to be

I wish you all the best for the future

Jeeves.

[Mohican]

[booder]

 

[atdc21]

This is a disaaaaaaaaaaaster dahling