The Best In The Business

[The Camel]

I think patrick is going to go super deep in the main event.

[Simon Galloway]

I used to think I deserved to win at Luton all the time because I was playing on a different level, sometimes level 2.5 +, to everyone else.

I'm definitely going to try that Merlot stuff, sounds great.

[GreekStein]

great post Alex.

I've gotten to know Pads a bit better out here than before and he's really a top top lad.

[pleno1]

Woke up and feel very ok.

Through my two blogs the responses are pretty interesting though. I do literally write every exact emotion I have. Like if I won the $10k 6max I would very likely have been feeling I was the ultimate goat and I'm not affraid to post something like that. I really want to write every single raw emotion that I have, I want to look back (and I do regularly) months in advance and see exactly how I was feeling at different times, and strategically how I was approaching spots.

It seems to have really been taken negatively from people, especially on 2p2, but I really think it's feelings a lot of poker players have and I just want to tell you guys how exactly I feel about my poker from a day to day point of view. I will go from being happy to sad within 24 hours, but that's life right? People in normal working jobs go from being happy to sad in 24 hours. People on marriage go from what they think is genuine hate to what they think is genuine love within 24 hours. If they wrote all their feelings on a public message board I'm sure everybody (including me) would think "wtt is this guy talking about, how delusional" so I understand the negativity towards my posts and I accept it, it's ok

I'm not sad in General, as soon as I busted yesterday I was happy for the next 12 hours, I was railing Simon and very intrigued in the whole thing. Previously I had very bad cases of jealousy. This time last year God knows how I would have felt if somebody I knew was on a final table and I had been running bad. I've read a lot about it and it's supposed to be a very normal thing, but yesterday I was genuinely really funking for Simon and wanted him to win as badly as I wanted to win throughout the series.

I've thought long and hard about everything and I understand when I can be happy about things and when I can't control things. I get very unhappy when I go into something with expectations that are tough to manage and that I can't fully control. The whole "bracelet hunting" thing makes my goals unrealistic and I'm the kind of guy that just needs to
Succeed. When I fail and I can't physically do anything to reverse that it makes me incredibly sad and depressed. My sense of
Entitlement comes out and I struggle to deal with it. It's similar with SCOOP, I wanted to be plauer of the series, I prepared 6 hours a day for 2 weeks beforehand, I took off from playing poker completely and went "all in" emotionally jnto the series. I think I didn't run good and whatever and I had a very bad series. That is something I really struggle to handle mentally, just because of the personality and approach I have to the whole thing. I'm not saying it's right, I'm not trying to say anything, just saying how tough it is for me to deal with failing ambitious goals.

The second thing is the high roller culture. Again I'm going to sound arrogant and sound like I'm up my arse but I genuinely think that in the $10k tournament yesterday and any other tournament I've played this summer I will be in the top 10 players in the field. Now I know this may get so so much hate, but it's what I genuinely believe. I could be delusional, but in my brain that's how I feel. So far I've played the following

EPT Barcelona
EPT Barcelona
EPT Prague
EPT Prague
EPT Malta
EPT Monaco (10k)
EPT London
WSOP Main event
WSOP 5kx3
WSOP 10k
Vienna 10k
Monaco 25k x2
Malta 25k
London 10k
Malta 10k x2

I think all the above and maybe a few more completely bricking. My mind is so concerned about them that I remember them so painfully that I could tell you almost all my exit hands. I've blogged about them here of course but just in general I go through the phase in them of playing v good (I'm sure there is exceptions but on the whole) then losing some unlucky all in.

Now the immediate reaction would be wtf it's 20-25 tournaments. But the thing is like people have alluded to, I want to be accepted as the crusher. As the guy who plays great, I want it to be common talk between friends when they are talking abit poker players that I'm one of the best. I want timex to sell me at higher Mark ups than others, I want to be number 1 in Fedors power rankings. I want Jacobson to message me before the main event and ask to swap 2%. I'm sure it's an arrogant thing to want, but it's just how I feel, what I want and how I want to be accepted by the community.

I'm not trying to make out that I am flawless, I'm obviously not. Last week I was very, very tough on myself in these blogs simply because I want to succeed and I don't want to have entitlement. I want to realy fucking deserve to be the best in the business. I don't want to win a tournament after going out the night before and late regging after not looking at a hand history for the last 3 weeks. I know this is a tough game, I know you get out what you put in and I am prepared to really fucking grind hard and succeed.

I just want to apologise for sounding so miserable/entitled yesterday, I literally always walk through my front door, don't take my shoes off and just start writing as if it's a personal diary.

It's 4pm now and I don't really know what to do. A lot of me tells me to go to San Diego, a lot tells me that I'm obviously going to absolutely moan it in and win every flip in this 3k.

Again just ant to apologise again for making everybody so mad at me etc I don't want to be hat guy,
It would be way easier if all of this was anonymous.

[pleno1]

Really interesting this and it's impressive how honest you are about your feelings.

At a whole other level I used to feel like this and basically it is almost 100% a sense of entitlement that does this to us. We are better so why aint it working...totally flies in the face of all we know about poker though and other games with a significant luck element.

I used to think I deserved to win at Luton all the time because I was playing on a different level, sometimes level 2.5 +, to everyone else. In the end I had to decide I had no right to win, however well I played and stop looking at everyone else and thinking everyone else an idiot. I think you're doing this, you talk a lot about soft tables and 7 fish per table. You lose that respect for people and it just doesn't work very well from there. Even if it does, it's too much baggage and scornery to carry around. This sense of entitlement is magnified about 50x live v online because you actually get to see the peoples faces and be annoyed very directly about them, their play, their mannerisms, their haircut, etc

I know a big tall, web footed guy and he can't even play at Luton any more cause he's so scornful of the Luton diaspora. That's a shame for the rest of us and probably him too

Tiny mental adjustments to feel a little more love and respect for opponents rather than just love the game and you might translate your mad online skills to something worthwhile live.

No charge, just my tuppence and really hope you turn your feelings (and results) round on this trip.

hey thanks for the post!

I actually have enormous respect for the bad players. I really do spend most of my time talking to them. I've been invited to some pretty amazing private games all around America this summer from all sorts of different people, but just when I'm soeaking about the hand I mention that they are fish just to justify/Explain why I was doing x, y and Z. Actually awkward moment the other day, the "whale" that I was speaking about was such a great guy, we spoke non stop for the whole time about everything in life. I got home, wrote my report and then a few hours later he had found me and added me on Twitter/facebook. I thought he had found the 0.001% chance of finding my blog and wanted to hurt me! He was a very nice guy and just messaged me to tell me he loved meeting me and if I ever wanted to come to New York he would put me up in his house.

I actually felt quite bad about labelling him as a whale on a public forum but of course I'd never mention his name.

He actually knocked me out when he was almost drawing dead and I sat in my seat till the end, stood up after he hand wished him good luck and to everybody else at the table and left gracefully. Yesterday one of the reasons the kk v ak hand pissed me off was because the flop was 532r and the guy got up, got his bags, started to walk away etc. I really don't like that at all.

Sorry for going off on a tangent!

[pleno1]

I hung out with Pads yesterday for a good 10 hours I'd say on the Deadman rail and I have to say, contrary to his online persona, he's completely sound in real life. He's not even really arrogant, he just loves poker, loves talking about poker and really wants to succeed. He had good banter on the rail and was a laugh to be around.

I don't know him particularly well but he didn't even seem down about things. In fact he told me about why he was leaving etc probably two hours before that he made that post and his tone couldn't have been more different.

I think when he gets back to his room away from people he just all hits him and he just spews out his worst thoughts on to the page. There was no mention of the fun he had on the rail, being part of the brits, so many epic scenes that I know he loved (John Blacks fanboy antics etc!). I know he likes being part of a team, of a group - wants to be accepted by the community etc. Well yesterday, he very much was. If that was a miserable man I was hanging out with last night then he's a better bluffer than I thought.

I also think this is a testament to a) how much he loves the game, so is more emotionally involved than most / is ideal (as others have said) and b) how fkn lucky he's been in the past!

He went on a run that has never been seen before to my knowledge. The most incredible run of luck you could imagine. He may well be the BITB and work the hardest etc, but he still ran absurdly far above expectation and he didn't know it. He thinks he plays great and works hard (which he does) so therefore he deserved / was entitled that insane run. Now he's seeing the other side of it and it seems unfair.

If he'd ran normally in his life then maybe he wouldn't take this so hard. But that run he had as soon as he started playing MTTs completely distorted his expectations, his ideas about how tournament variance works, and that coupled with his passion for the game generally is what's causing this.

It's not his fault, it's human instinct, and as I'm sure you could gather, I'm speaking from experience. It wouldn't be human if we thought differently. Until you know differently, you think it's normal, or just a standard upswing, reward for your hard work.

And is this even the worst you could've possibly run over the last few months, be honest? Like you said, you've had some very lucky swaps and actually profited in some of these series (Monte Carlo, SCOOP, not sure). So I'd prepare to experience a whole lot worse if I were you. Prepare to have all your swaps brick as well as your own action. Prepare to have your stable go on an incredibly bad run too. Prepare to run like we did yesterday in 0ev flips in all your gambling endeavours!

You know now you're not immune to variance, you don't win a tournament every sunday, so learn the right lessons, and prepare for the worse.

Good luck.

Hey mate.

Thanks for the nice post. Yeah I definitely didn't want to be doom and gloom around the place yesterday. Ironically I hate people telling me how bad they run or about bad beats so I refrain from Doing so face to
Face. Guess that's silly when I go and blog it to hundreds instead

Definitely didn't take the railing experience for granted, in fact it's probably been one of the highlights of my summer, as I alluded to in my previous post if this was a few years ago as bad as this sounds (pretty brutal
Honesty) I may not have even wanted Simon to hit the ten on the turn. But I say this with all my heart that I wanted him to hit the ten as much as I've wanted to hit a card all summer and was very, very happy for him.

Like you said I can come across badly online, but it's just the worst thoughts I have on my mind that I spew page after page. In real life there is a happier side.

[celtic]

It's interesting that you think you come across badly online.

I wonder if you had that rant to a friend, face to face, would they think you have come across badly.

I think it's fine that you have a moan. Loads of diaries on blonde and blogs on the Internet have done worse imo.

FWIW, if I was you, I'd stick with it in Vegas, put all that hard work you have been doing to good use in a comp, and not wondering what might have been whilst mincing around San Diego or wherever.

[nirvana]

Really interesting this and it's impressive how honest you are about your feelings.

At a whole other level I used to feel like this and basically it is almost 100% a sense of entitlement that does this to us. We are better so why aint it working...totally flies in the face of all we know about poker though and other games with a significant luck element.

I used to think I deserved to win at Luton all the time because I was playing on a different level, sometimes level 2.5 +, to everyone else. In the end I had to decide I had no right to win, however well I played and stop looking at everyone else and thinking everyone else an idiot. I think you're doing this, you talk a lot about soft tables and 7 fish per table. You lose that respect for people and it just doesn't work very well from there. Even if it does, it's too much baggage and scornery to carry around. This sense of entitlement is magnified about 50x live v online because you actually get to see the peoples faces and be annoyed very directly about them, their play, their mannerisms, their haircut, etc

I know a big tall, web footed guy and he can't even play at Luton any more cause he's so scornful of the Luton diaspora. That's a shame for the rest of us and probably him too

Tiny mental adjustments to feel a little more love and respect for opponents rather than just love the game and you might translate your mad online skills to something worthwhile live.

No charge, just my tuppence and really hope you turn your feelings (and results) round on this trip.

hey thanks for the post!

I actually have enormous respect for the bad players. I really do spend most of my time talking to them. I've been invited to some pretty amazing private games all around America this summer from all sorts of different people, but just when I'm soeaking about the hand I mention that they are fish just to justify/Explain why I was doing x, y and Z. Actually awkward moment the other day, the "whale" that I was speaking about was such a great guy, we spoke non stop for the whole time about everything in life. I got home, wrote my report and then a few hours later he had found me and added me on Twitter/facebook. I thought he had found the 0.001% chance of finding my blog and wanted to hurt me! He was a very nice guy and just messaged me to tell me he loved meeting me and if I ever wanted to come to New York he would put me up in his house.

I actually felt quite bad about labelling him as a whale on a public forum but of course I'd never mention his name.

He actually knocked me out when he was almost drawing dead and I sat in my seat till the end, stood up after he hand wished him good luck and to everybody else at the table and left gracefully. Yesterday one of the reasons the kk v ak hand pissed me off was because the flop was 532r and the guy got up, got his bags, started to walk away etc. I really don't like that at all.

Sorry for going off on a tangent!

Keep working, keep writing, best read on here imho and nice to know that behind the disappointments you like and enjoy being around the whales as much as the pros:-)

Good luck and keep on keeping on

[SuuPRlim]

I think you will look back on this quite positively in a while tbh, without a question the biggest test of a professional gambler is how he handles his biggest downswings, learning to deal with the swings of poker is defo the hardest part of the job, some people just can't hack it, hence why there are guys with enormous poker talent and would instinctively know how to balance a turn check raising range doing an honest job somewhere, and plenty of people who are less so talented but have made a huge success of gambling...

The first thing to learn is that handles the swings, and being able to afford the swings are not the same thing, you can see this yourself because I think over this big downswing you're only a small-ish loser financially (?) and are adequately bankrolled for such losses (all assumptions so excuse me if im wrong) but the mental distress losing can cause is definately something you always feel so so hard in your first big downswing - just as the first big upswing is so great, you feel invincible, you just made a huge amount of money in a tiny amount of time because you're a fkn legend ninja, obviously 60%+ of the windfall is almost certainly a factor of enhanced fortune but you'd never know it or believe it at the time. Just as the first big downswing now you feel like a wasted degenerate, the world beating invincibility is replaced by nauseating self doubt and the proudfull swagger of a champion turns into the feeble embarrassed carrowing of a loser, the affects of the financial swings pale into comparison to the monumental emotional swing this causes, no-one can be ready for it until you live through it...

This is where it turns into a real test of character, you have to push to the back of your mind of the worry, fear, anxiety and continue to walk and swagger like a champion, you need to wake up everyday and look like a winner, the hardest part about this is you HAVE to do it alone, your friends in gambling will offer sympathy for your bad run but the brutal reality is NO-ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR RUN BAD, this is a real tough and lonely part of pro gambling, but you have to face these things and come out of them alone. The cathartic benefit of writing them in a blog or having heart to heart with a friend is undeniable, but no-one can fix this but you, and if you can't then the harsh reality is that a career in gambling is just not for you.

You have to keep believing, and not just telling yourself YOU will be a winner again, you have to look yourself in the eyes and GENUINELY BELIEVE IT, I think herein lies a big problem for you, a huge barrier to self belief imo is caring what others think, or how you are percieved, once you open your sense of worth up to be criticized by others you invite this on yourself.

Yes it's nice for people to be talking about how good you are, and it feels good when you sit at a table and everyone shifts in their seats because you're here - having people like Timex booking your action vs other people would be a huge confidence boost, but at the end of the day none of this stuff matters one fucking bit, in fact it's worse than it doesn't matter it's damaging to yourself. I used to be really keen for guys in my games to say "yeah he's one of the tough ones" and get a kick when no-one plays me HU, I remember a 2+2 thread 4 yrs ago (when I was TWENTY-TWO!!!) where I was described as "past-it" by a reg in my games and was devastated about it for weeks, soon I realised that actually I don't give a fuck what people say or think, and actually the more people that think Im terrible the better because I'll be one step ahead of them somehow...that's how you have to think if you wanna succeed.

I actually think you've got a really good mindset for professional gambling, a VERY sensible approach to the business aspect of the game and obviously a lot of talent and a very impressive work ethic, this all has the makings of a very successful gambler but you have to rid yourself of this need to demonstrate your powers to the world and be revered by the masses, because unfortunately no-body gives a fuck at the end of the day and the amount of money and energy and blood and sweat you will burn seeking this recognition could easily destroy you.

You won a huge amount of money last year, but this doesn't make you successful, dealing with times like this is what makes you successful, everyone who has made a success of gambling has gone through this, it's nothing new you're not one of the unlucky 3.7% of people who have to feel like you feel now...

Vegas is the hardest place in the world to gamble, you have all the temptations in the world on one side and all the pressure of expectation on the other, no-one can do a whole series without going through what you've gone through this last couple of days, so don't feel bad about it - I've had times in Vegas where I've been tempted to take a running leap at a Wynn window...

So dust yourself off, look at yourself in the mirror and you'll either see a champ looking back, ready to fight regardless of what people think or how hard he got beat up last time, or you'll see a shadow, of a man running for a plane, giving up.

Time to grow a pair, basically

[pleno1]

$3000 no limit holdem.

Let's fucking go.

[jakally]

$3000 no limit holdem.

Let's fucking go.

Never in doubt. GL.

[Steve Swift]

Gl

[celtic]

$3000 no limit holdem.

Let's fucking go.

Never in doubt. GL.

[arbboy]

I think you will look back on this quite positively in a while tbh, without a question the biggest test of a professional gambler is how he handles his biggest downswings, learning to deal with the swings of poker is defo the hardest part of the job, some people just can't hack it, hence why there are guys with enormous poker talent and would instinctively know how to balance a turn check raising range doing an honest job somewhere, and plenty of people who are less so talented but have made a huge success of gambling...

The first thing to learn is that handles the swings, and being able to afford the swings are not the same thing, you can see this yourself because I think over this big downswing you're only a small-ish loser financially (?) and are adequately bankrolled for such losses (all assumptions so excuse me if im wrong) but the mental distress losing can cause is definately something you always feel so so hard in your first big downswing - just as the first big upswing is so great, you feel invincible, you just made a huge amount of money in a tiny amount of time because you're a fkn legend ninja, obviously 60%+ of the windfall is almost certainly a factor of enhanced fortune but you'd never know it or believe it at the time. Just as the first big downswing now you feel like a wasted degenerate, the world beating invincibility is replaced by nauseating self doubt and the proudfull swagger of a champion turns into the feeble embarrassed carrowing of a loser, the affects of the financial swings pale into comparison to the monumental emotional swing this causes, no-one can be ready for it until you live through it...

This is where it turns into a real test of character, you have to push to the back of your mind of the worry, fear, anxiety and continue to walk and swagger like a champion, you need to wake up everyday and look like a winner, the hardest part about this is you HAVE to do it alone, your friends in gambling will offer sympathy for your bad run but the brutal reality is NO-ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR RUN BAD, this is a real tough and lonely part of pro gambling, but you have to face these things and come out of them alone. The cathartic benefit of writing them in a blog or having heart to heart with a friend is undeniable, but no-one can fix this but you, and if you can't then the harsh reality is that a career in gambling is just not for you.

You have to keep believing, and not just telling yourself YOU will be a winner again, you have to look yourself in the eyes and GENUINELY BELIEVE IT, I think herein lies a big problem for you, a huge barrier to self belief imo is caring what others think, or how you are percieved, once you open your sense of worth up to be criticized by others you invite this on yourself.

Yes it's nice for people to be talking about how good you are, and it feels good when you sit at a table and everyone shifts in their seats because you're here - having people like Timex booking your action vs other people would be a huge confidence boost, but at the end of the day none of this stuff matters one fucking bit, in fact it's worse than it doesn't matter it's damaging to yourself. I used to be really keen for guys in my games to say "yeah he's one of the tough ones" and get a kick when no-one plays me HU, I remember a 2+2 thread 4 yrs ago (when I was TWENTY-TWO!!!) where I was described as "past-it" by a reg in my games and was devastated about it for weeks, soon I realised that actually I don't give a fuck what people say or think, and actually the more people that think Im terrible the better because I'll be one step ahead of them somehow...that's how you have to think if you wanna succeed.

I actually think you've got a really good mindset for professional gambling, a VERY sensible approach to the business aspect of the game and obviously a lot of talent and a very impressive work ethic, this all has the makings of a very successful gambler but you have to rid yourself of this need to demonstrate your powers to the world and be revered by the masses, because unfortunately no-body gives a fuck at the end of the day and the amount of money and energy and blood and sweat you will burn seeking this recognition could easily destroy you.

You won a huge amount of money last year, but this doesn't make you successful, dealing with times like this is what makes you successful, everyone who has made a success of gambling has gone through this, it's nothing new you're not one of the unlucky 3.7% of people who have to feel like you feel now...

Vegas is the hardest place in the world to gamble, you have all the temptations in the world on one side and all the pressure of expectation on the other, no-one can do a whole series without going through what you've gone through this last couple of days, so don't feel bad about it - I've had times in Vegas where I've been tempted to take a running leap at a Wynn window...

So dust yourself off, look at yourself in the mirror and you'll either see a champ looking back, ready to fight regardless of what people think or how hard he got beat up last time, or you'll see a shadow, of a man running for a plane, giving up.

Time to grow a pair, basically

Fantastic post. 

[Tal]

Some fantastic posts ITT in the last 24 hours. In amongst the long posts, I think this is the one that hit me most:

If only life was so simple.

Life really sucks sometimes, pleno. It feels like there is no justice whatsoever, other people get it all and life isn't fair. You've had experience of that and posted in this diary about some of those times, so I know you've not had it all your own way. But some people have run so far below EV in their life.

Make a list of all the things in your life you are grateful for. Put it somewhere prominent; somewhere you walk past between the front door and the laptop on your room.

Go and meet up with Cambridge Alex one day, perhaps. He seems to have got the balance right and found happiness in a life that involves (but doesn't entirely revolve around) poker.

Keep working hard but maybe one of your goals should be to smile more. Enjoy the experience. You might not be able to come back next year. A lot of us ITT are running above EV in life. You'll be fine and I await news of your success.

Do wins, sir.