Vagueness and the Aftermath - A sporadic diary

[Ironside]

Whatever happened to that horse-story involving the infamous Millie Hot-Lips or whatever her name was ?

And that bloke who used to fart on you in return for letting you win at snooker, whatever became of him ?

Wasn't there a partially-complete super-high-powered air-rifle fable left in suspenders too ?

Time sure does fly but some of us have long memories

they might be in the missing 71 pages

[tikay]

".......Tom 'the grinding rock' Red-Dog has banished his before mentioned nick name by ending a night of outdraws and suckouts playing £50 5-card-omaha flips with the rest of the degenerate regs who were also doing their bollox.....".


You are such a degen.......

I can't believe you did that.

One by one, my heroes turn out to be mere mortals.

Red to join the Shrewdies?

[RED-DOG]

".......Tom 'the grinding rock' Red-Dog has banished his before mentioned nick name by ending a night of outdraws and suckouts playing £50 5-card-omaha flips with the rest of the degenerate regs who were also doing their bollox.....".


You are such a degen.......

I can't believe you did that.

One by one, my heroes turn out to be mere mortals.

Red to join the Shrewdies?

http://blondepoker.com/forum/index.php?topic=30479.msg1101730#msg1101730

[jakally]

".......Tom 'the grinding rock' Red-Dog has banished his before mentioned nick name by ending a night of outdraws and suckouts playing £50 5-card-omaha flips with the rest of the degenerate regs who were also doing their bollox.....".


You are such a degen.......

I can't believe you did that.

One by one, my heroes turn out to be mere mortals.

Red to join the Shrewdies?

That's not the half of it.
Our hero is back on the food as well.

Two extra valets and three extra kitchen staff have been rota'd by DTD for the coming week.
I blame the influence of those around him..........earlier in the evening Mr Dog was seen talking in hushed tones to a mysterious gentleman known only as The Karabiner..............

[tikay]

".......Tom 'the grinding rock' Red-Dog has banished his before mentioned nick name by ending a night of outdraws and suckouts playing £50 5-card-omaha flips with the rest of the degenerate regs who were also doing their bollox.....".


You are such a degen.......

I can't believe you did that.

One by one, my heroes turn out to be mere mortals.

Red to join the Shrewdies?

That's not the half of it.
Our fallen hero is back on the food as well.

Two extra valets and three extra kitchen staff have been rota'd by DTD for the coming week.
I blame the influence of those around him..........earlier in the evening Mr Dog was seen talking in hushed tones to a mysterious gentleman known only as The Karabiner..............

FYP.

I agree - when he gets near Karabiner, he gets all silly.

Have they applied to be Shrewdies yet?

[AlexMartin]

Right. This has been bothering me. When a plant (A tree for instance) dies, what happens?

I mean, at what point does it stop being a living tree, and become a dead tree?

  when it no longer converts co2 into 02

its reverse frm of breathing

If it stops converting, surely it doesn't die instantly. And anyway, wouldn't it stop converting because it was dead, and not the other way round?

Iron's pretty accurate I guess with his answer.  A plant photosynthesises carbon dioxide in the air using the energy in sunlight into organic molecules.  When this process stops, the plant is not longer 'living'.  Of course, plants are able to 'hibernate' for long periods, so an absence of photosynthesis isn't necessarily an indication of the death of the plant - but it could be.  I guess the answer is that there isn't a single moment where it goes from living to dead, there's a grey area.  You can cut a branch or stem of larger plant, and left as it is the branch will die.  But plant it and give it the right nutrients and environment and it will continue to live and grow.  Ain't nature brilliant!

If you didn't see 'Life' narrated by David Attenborough this week, watch it on the iPlayer.  All about plants.  Some stunning camera-work.  The BBC might get a lot wrong, but it does natural history like no one else.

so true, i was so thrilled when sir attenborough himself gave me my graduation speech. how 1 guy can have done so much in life, be british and be so goddamn cool atounds me.

[RED-DOG]

For several years, I was at war with the moles.

This war, like most others, bestowed no glory. It was dirty and it was bloody, both sides sustained heavy losses.

One day, sickened by a particularly heavy bout of fighting and killing, both sides managed to agree a ceasefire, the terms of which were this.

I would allow the moles to dig up as much of my field as they like, (Over 2 acres) and in return they would respect the few square feet in frond of my caravans where molehills would be a real nuisance (not to mention a hazard in the dark).


Everything went well. Peace reigned, and for over two years, we lived in harmony, each minding our own business. We might exchange a friendly nod or a wave if we passed on the lane, but that was it, we didn't fraternise. Respect was mutual.


Yesterday, on Christmas day of all days, the moles reneged. (See exhibits 1 & 2 below)


Exhibit 1 shows evidence of a brief foray on to my front lawn to test my reaction.

Click to see full-size image.

Exhibit 2 shows two very large molehills, strategically placed to offer the best chance of me tripping over one in the dark and breaking my neck.

Click to see full-size image.

I did trip. Fortunately, I didn't break my neck, but I well might have done had my fall not been arrested by my head coming in to contact with the Portacabin.


Of course, this means war......

[tikay]

The Grand-Daddy of all story-tellers is BACK!

More Tom, when you feel the urge. It only works when you have the urge.

[Laxie]

   Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii - mole tales are back!!!  Apologies to Red and your damaged Portacabin, but those tales always have me in stitches! 

[Karabiner]

That reminds me of someone I know who used to booby-trap the hotel room he was sharing by leaving suitcases on the floor between the beds for unsuspecting folk to trip over in the dark.

PS Got any Xmas Freddie Casserole stories for us ?

[RED-DOG]

Today, regretfully, after letting them lay dormant for over two years, I have unearthed my mole traps.

Unearthed is a good word in this context, considering my views on scent contamination.

“Scent contamination?” I hear you cry “Wow! That’s interesting Tom, tell us more”

OK.

Unlike us humans (who rely predominantly on sight) the primary sense for most mammals is smell. Let me try to explain why this is so.

 Using sight, you can tell if there is something in front of you, be it a mate, a meal, or a predator. But, if that something happens to be behind a hill, around a corner, or cloaked in darkness, sight is useless. Smell however, suffers no such restrictions.

Using smell, you cannot only “See” things that are hidden, but also things that have moved on, things that are no longer there. Smell will tell you if the unseen mate is sexually receptive, (and therefore worth pursuing) if the meal is good to eat, or if the predator is lying in wait. To a mammal, scent is the equivalent of the morning paper, describing in detail what happened, and when.

So, smell is the information-gathering tool of choice for mammals in general, and for moles in particular.

I say “Moles in particular” because moles are blind.

Actually, the mole is not totally blind, although his full stop sized eyes, (Usually tightly closed and invisible beneath fur-covered eyelids) are only capable of distinguishing between light and dark.

His nose, on the other hand, is large and incredibly sensitive. (Note to self: Stop using body parts as part of discription of other body parts, it's too confusing)


With me so far? All right then.

At a rough guess, I’d say that scent contamination is the reason why 60% of all inexperienced trappers fail to catch anything. (Be it a bear the woods, or a rat in the coal shed). 25% fail through lack of knowledge of the habits of the intended victim, 15% through poorly constructed traps, 5% through impatience, and the rest through poor mathmatical skills.


What I’m getting at is this. You can’t catch mammals with traps that reek of humans, and you can’t catch moles with traps that smell of anything other than earth. This is a pain, because it means that when not in use, I have to store my mole traps below ground to prevent them from collecting above ground smells. (Scent contamination).

At this point, let’s pause for a moment while I show you my newly unearthed mole traps.

See if you can figure out how they work, and guess what the big drawback to storing them underground is.

Click to see full-size image.

Click to see full-size image.

Click to see full-size image.

[tikay]

You are different gravy Tom. Keep writing please.

[Dino]

They work sort of like sprung loaded scissors.

 
Alternative methods.

[RED-DOG]

OK. The big drawback to storing your mole traps (Or, as I like to call them "Weapons of mouse destruction") underground is…. They go rusty.

“But how can that be Tom?  You ask, palms up. “They appear to be galvanised”

Yes, they’re galvanised, but the little rivet upon which the whole shebang pivots is fitted after the galvanising process, leaving it prone to the ravages of oxidisation brought about by prolonged contact with the moisture-laden earth.  

Problem: How to free a seized pivot without contaminating the trap with the pungent smell of penetrating oil or the like?

Answer: Elbow grease.

Cover hands with soil (From conveniently placed molehill) and work seized pivot until it frees up.

(Note to self: While performing this mundane, repetitive task, be careful not to become distracted and allow thumb to stray between jaws of trap)


gg manual dexterity.

Click to see full-size image.

First blood to the moles.

Click to see full-size image.

More news from war torn Sharnford as it comes in.

[tikay]

1) How did you get that stunning photo of that Mole Tom? Was it from google images?

2) Please explain - I need technical evidence on this - what a "shebang" is, & why are shebangs usually whole?